This is such an interesting thread. There is indeed a lot of “BS of BS”, as we have learned over the last couple of years. We found Choate, Andover and Exeter “college-light” experiences. Some kids, often preternaturally mature, love this environment. Hotchkiss, Deerfield, Groton - more “homelike”. We visited, but didn’t apply, to Concord - but we found it incredible homelike and think it should get more buzz here on CC. Since our young 'un is still truly just a “kid”, we wanted “homelike”. Happily, so did the Kid.
The tricky part with this is also that kids change a ton over the four years, and so while homelike may be great for freshman by the time the kid is a junior they may well hate it. I know Hotchkiss kids in particular come back to NYC a ton on weekends junior/senior year and seem to manage to be at all the parties etc. Maybe if the school was more college like with things to do off campus this would not be the case (i know the parents don’t love it).
Most of the boarding school kids are quite old with repeating being rampant, so many kids are legal adults before they even hit their senior year. And at that point it has to be hard to be at one of the schools with lots of rules and hovering, especially when they see their non-BS friends with a lot more freedom. I realize schools know this and there are fewer rules for older kids (I think the mandatory study hall and bedtime goes away at some point at most of them) but it must be hard to make it developmentally appropriate for all.
I guess I have a different definition of “home-like”. To me, it isn’t the amount of guidance a kid gets nor the additional structure or lack of independence. My kid does not get any hand-holding, prodding, over-the-shoulder monitoring of his study habits during study hours. He doesn’t have a service doing his laundry - he does his own. No one is telling him to eat nutritious foods or shower or turn his lights out when it’s time for bed, even if there’s a “lights out” time. To me, this is not home-like, because he didn’t get this at home, either. He’s always had to pack his own lunch (since age 8), do his own laundry, wake himself up in time for school, etc. So, I didn’t look for this type of overseeing or structure in a BS.
My definition of home-like is does everyone (or at least the majority) know who my kid is? Is he a person or a number? Do they really know him? When I visit, do the faculty and staff recognize me? Whether or not they do, do they say hello or stop for a quick ‘how do you do’? Or are they too busy with their own responsibilities to take the time to make us feel at home? When my kid is sick, does the staff take extra care to help him when mom is 2000 miles away? Do they think of the little extras that provide comfort or do they strictly do their job and hand him medications and then on out the door with you? Does the faculty get a chance to notice inadvertent things about him and suggest activities he may enjoy that he hasn’t been exposed to?
Being so far from us, I want BS to truly be a home away from home. My independent kid can handle responsibilities on his own just like he will in college…this does not mean he does not need a home-like environment. People who know him for who he really is, not just as a student in one of their classes.
In fact, I sometimes wish his “home-like” school would threaten him within an inch of his life when he’s being lazy, apathetic or flippant, like we would at home!!! Alas, I must continue to do this via FaceTime…
@buuzn03 Totally agree with you. People knowing my kid and my being able to trust that if he isn’t well he will be taken care of is huge.
Kiddo has been doing his own laundry, responsible for his own work, etc forever, too. I wasn’t worried about that angle for him in the slightest. I feel like that the thing he is getting there that he isn’t getting at home is the expertise in identifying his particular needs and how to address them. The adults get him and what he needs to work on because they know him. They embrace their job of helping him be his best self. I trust that “they got this.”
Just to reaffirm my previous post, I believe the home-like feel really reflects the culture of the school and the commitment of the school community. When looking at schools, do ask your student if this is something they are looking for. Is it more important to your student or to yourself? Define what this means, also, to yourself and your student.
When looking at schools, parents should ask themselves how important this sense of community will be to the student. Then ask about community building activities and how the school actually tries to foster this through programs, events, faculty training, and time for sharing. My hunch is that if you ask about community-building, this may also cover some of the aspects of school life you are asking for. Some schools are more “warm & fuzzy” than others. Our HOS knew kiddo’s name at drop off and asks “how is golfkiddo?” every time we meet. Other schcools have Deans that keep close tabs on kids in their grade/grouping/dorm, etc.
Home-like may also mean community spirit. There are schools where the students really get involved. For example, some schools have a Senior Class President who knows every student’s name and every student says “hi”. There are “uppers” that serve as “big brother” or “big sister”, or “green keys”, etc…IMHO The home-like feel has to go beyond this. Some schools have training for dorm parents and proctors on community building. I also think that some schools have a physical environment that just lends itself to feeling more home-like. For example, dorms that are houses or small sections/wings of a building with its own identity. Back in the old days, more BS’s had “house” systems - it transcended dorm life. Some schools still have this. Now, that type of thing seems to be limited to a handful of schools. The Freshman dorm at Taft had a great gatherine place with an open kitchenette. Emma has big comfy chairs and fireplaces with kitchens on every floor. MPS dorms have a feel like a house. Some schools have snack bar areas that have comfy seating with fireplaces and are meant for gatherings. It’s where you see big groups of kids gather after school - good places to get a school vibe if you are on a tour.
I will go out on a ledge here and guess that many parents want their child’s school to have a home-like feel or as someone said above make them feel their school is a “home away from home”. Maybe there are some parents that do want a “mini-college” experience for their entering 9th grader. Know that going in and ask yourself “why” you want that? You want enough support for your student that will make them feel confident in gaining more independence as they grow through the BS years — maybe this is something that will evolve with more opportunities for independence offered each year.
Fostering a sense of community is something that many (if not most) schools advertise. Not all really do it (BS of BS). Feeling part of a community and finding your home-away-from-home at school “family” is one of the important growth missions of students at BS.
Perhaps, one thing that most of us can agree on is that dorms should be designed for more comfortable community gathering.
I do know this much: It always feels like home in the clubhouse⛳️
@417WHB , as a parent of 2 Hotchkiss kids, I must respectfully say that you are talking about a minority of kids (the NYC and NYC area families). That contingent is a chunk of the student body (as it is at other schools). However it is not representative of the student body, and is getting smaller each year. So most Hotchkiss upper class students don’t in fact go to NYC for parties etc. Just to clarify.
Thanks @BordDuLac - should I trademark my “BS Of BS” from post # 38??..
On another note - since this is the Homelike thread - maybe we can also share with the new parents/students ideas @how schools or parents can promote a more home-like feel to BS?
FWIW - I do love those schools (SPS, Taft, Pomfret) that have the brick pizza ovens. I also like the schools that bring in therapy dogs during Finals study week!
^ @Golfgr8 , George has both a brick pizza oven (outdoors in a garden) and therapy animals during exams. Wish I had those at work!
@417WHB and @cinnamon1212 , I have two kids at Hotchkiss as well. And they do have a bunch of NYC friends and they do visit them in the city on vacations but by reading many threads on this site you would think that they go in every weekend. That’s just not the case. Many Saturdays they have classes and sports and even if they could go to NYC, it takes about 3 hours door-to-door so going in for a random Saturday night isn’t very practical. And there are permissions hoops that need to be cleared before you can leave campus too. It just does not happen often while school is in session. There also seems to be an assumption in many threads that these kids are somehow warped by their privilege and big city ways. My kids’ friends from NYC are all very nice, grounded kids.
If being homelike is about support and sense of community, I’d say Hotchkiss has a great sense of community and school spirit. As for support, it’s there but self-advocacy is important.
You have to be a dog person at Cate - The teacher to dog ratio feels like 3:1? Some attend classes regularly. I have joked to myself that Cate has a dog program comparable to Thacher’s horse program. Not at all true, but they are a part of the culture. Definitely made the transition easier on kiddo, and I know they help a lot during the stressful times.
In my day, the Hotchkiss kids partied in the NYC families’ country homes even more than they partied in their Manhattan apartments 
Thacher has a ton of dogs, too… There’s one in particular who loves to frolic among the horses…
I’m also in the two Hotchkiss kids camp, and neither of my kids went to NY with friends for the weekend a single time in their 4 years at Hotchkiss, even though both of them had very close friends who lived in NYC. Their NYC friends didn’t want to leave campus for the weekend, so they all stayed put.
I’ll chime in for Concord. Half of the population of the school is actually boarding, so it is a small group of students that are incredibly tightknit. We actually live in old colonial homes along the Concord Main Street, so it feels like we actually live in a home instead of a dorm and most dorms are getting renovated this summer with kitchens and flatscreens installed in the bigger living rooms.
For boarders, every week we have ‘house comps’ where the houses compete against each other for points and usually, the biggest house points get like Chipotle for the entire house paid for. The competitions themselves are usually fun and silly, sometimes its stuff like guess that song or dodgeball. During finals week, we had a dance competition against the houses. It gets very competitive! We also have weekend activities every week, like trips to an arcade, the mall, the local buffet and rides to Boston provided by the Student Life Office. Also, during finals week BC (Boarding Council) likes to order food and desserts after study hall as exam snacks; nice little gestures that really makes boarding unique.
Being that the boarding community is so small, it isn’t uncommon for the students to be incredibly tight and close. it was totally acceptable for a freshman to be having a conversation with the upperclassmen on a Friday night. My closest dormmates were very welcoming and accepted me as their friend, even though I was just a freshman. At CA, there is not that big of a class distinction of your grade, which becomes even more invisible in the boarding community.
House faculty (dorm parents) and the Head of House usually act as our parents in the house. The house faculty come to the common room after study hall ends and usually just hangs around as help for any assignments or just to ask how your day was. The Head of House starts checking in people at around 10 o’clock and he/she goes to everyones room and just asks how their day was and has a nice conversation. They could easily just see me and check me in, but they always strive to have a nice conversation which always felt nice. House Faculty usually rotates everyday with a different parent. It’s usually 3 families living in one house + a roamer who doesn’t live in the house but aids in being a house faculty that just leaves when everyone is asleep (12ish). The House Faculty always cooks a meal every Saturday night for the entire house and we have house meetings every Sunday and Wednesday just to go over what we need to do and do our house jobs like vacuuming or washing the plates.
And for dogs, there’s at least one dog for each house. Frankly, I’m afraid of dogs but I’ve gotten over that fear after meeting so many dogs on campus just on the quad haha. If your boarding, CA is such a great homey option that I really enjoy!