<p>Anyway, I’m about to go pick him up and bring him home for the holiday weekend, so we’ll have time to talk about this together. Maybe this will be the time he says, “Dad, I’ve decided what’s important to me in a college.” Even if it’s only that there should be a lot of red brick buildings, at least that would be a start! (Come to think of it, he did mention that he likes Gothic architecture. That’s a start, right?)</p>
<p>And to those of you whose posts have made me bristle a bit, thank you for challenging my assumptions. It helps.</p>
<p>Mantori, you may be lucky enough to have a kid who can find his people and place in the universe virtually anywhere. There are people like that in the world. I have one sibling like that (and another who is a hot-house flower so I’m distinctly aware of the difference!)</p>
<p>So don’t get too upset that your son won’t articulate his optimal set of circumstances. Some people don’t need optimal to blossom- good enough, or the absence of really terrible, or just crispy french fries in the cafeteria and a bunch of stimulating professors, is enough to get him launched.</p>
<p>Sorry to keep babbling, but I just re-read my original post and noticed something. I said that a list of colleges that he’ll be applying to is starting to jell.</p>
<p>That’s not true.</p>
<p>A list of colleges that I think he’ll be applying to based on what I think he wants and needs is starting to jell in my mind. He may have entirely different ideas, or no idea at all.</p>
<p>Man, this is confusing. And humbling. And frustrating. And wonderful in a way. I’m tired.</p>
<p>Don’t fret. Our kid didn’t articulate the reason for PICKING the college to which she matriculated until we were on the plane ride to take her there. And her two top choices were quite opposite.</p>
<p>Remember one very important thing. YOUR KID is going to college (or not)…not you. No matter what happens, keep that in mind. The decisions that you might make and the decisions your kiddo might make could end up being polar opposites. If you trust your kid and feel you’ve done a good job raising him, let HIM be in the driver’s seat on this college search…not you parents. I know that’s hard, but the reality is that sometimes our kids don’t share the same ideals we have. We need to let go of that when we are assisting (and I mean really assisting) them with their college choices. </p>
<p>And…he’s a boy. Many of them (no offense intended here) do not really articulate the reasons for their college choices. They just choose a school and that’s the end of it.</p>
<p>Could very well be. He is a low-maintenance kid, come to think of it. Thank you for making this suggestion; I will keep this in mind as I talk with him. You really may be onto something.</p>
<p>YOU are the one who keeps bringing up prestige over and over. Read your own posts again:</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>IF you want to get advice, don’t rile up people who try to help by scolding them for addressing issues you yourself raise (such as engineering and prestige and prestige and prestige).</p>
<p>OP: You repeatedly talk about “prestige” and “elite” schools, including your second post (#6) where you say “I’m willing to pay for prestiage.” Perhaps that’s why some of us assume that it is very important to you.</p>
<p>I think it’s useful for you to try to put a dollar value on prestige, if for no other reason than it’s helpful for you to examine your priorities and the degree to which you care about other people’s opinions of your priorities.</p>
<p>Prestige was wholly irrelevant to my son. Many other factors students and parents consider were irrelevant to him as well. For example, he applied to only one school (because he was accepted early) and wasn’t at all concerned that it doesn’t even offer classes (computer science) in the field in which he will eventually work! He chose the school primarily because of the myriad of ways in which it shares his educational philosophy (he was home schooled K-12), so he will major in something else (math) and instead study cs in grad school. He has found many very smart peers at his small, relatively unknown school, and enjoys being responsible for the degree to which he is challenged in his classes (it’s an unusual school). My son’s school would not be a good choice for students or parents whose self-esteem is tied to what other people think about the school they attend (the school mascot is {}), but it’s the best school for my son. </p>
<p>So when you figure out the dollar value prestige has for you, don’t forget to ask your kid to do the same. You may be surprised when you compare notes!</p>
<p>It’s difficult to put a dollar value on ‘prestige’ since the term really describes an emotion rather than something tangible and is sometimes confused with the term ‘exclusive/ultra-selective’. If we throw out that term then I think the OP might be indicating that she thinks that HYPS will result in more dollar earning potential and therefore be ultimately worth the additional cost vs. the non-HYPS level colleges in comparison to the good state U. Although many HYPS grads do quite well regarding earnings, so do many grads from all kinds of other colleges and even people who never graduated from college. In addition, there are HYPS grads who don’t go on to earn huge $$ for a variety of reasons. Some of the grads end up as leaders and some end up working for people who attended a bottom tier college or perhaps don’t have a college degree at all. The bottom line is that taken as a generality, I think having ‘HYPS’ on the resume’ might open some doors and raise some eyebrows but in the end it’ll come down to the individual to succeed in whatever way they choose to define success for themselves.</p>
<p>I have a slightly different take, ucsd<em>ucla</em>dad, because we had a prestige issue with my parents when D began her search. In their case, they took the concepts of “exclusivity” and “cost” and “quality” and “name recognition” and “rankings” and “prestige,” and rolled them up into one giant ball called “grandparent bragging rights.” That, I finally figured out, was the bottom line for them.</p>
<p>They’re still not completely sold on D’s college, a tiny, little-known (at least to their friends) LAC. I’ve tried to educate them on its merits, but in the end, there is only one person who has to love it, and she does.</p>
<p>Lasma, I’m in the same situation with a number of friends and relatives. They cannot believe that we are supporting our son’s decision to go to a small unknown LAC out west when he was accepted at some schools with much better name recognition. If they 've never heard of a school, as far as they are concerned, it’s not worthy of attending in their minds.</p>
<p>At one point during our listing making last year when I kept bringing up various schools, my son said, “This may sound weird, but don’t want to go to a school I’ve never heard of before.” Okay, that helped us narrow the list and explained why he wasn’t considering some I thought were good options. I was glad he could realize that and that he told us.</p>
<p>Here are some things I learned from son1’s college search that may help you:</p>
<ol>
<li><p>My timetable for a decision was not the same as his.</p></li>
<li><p>This is his first big decision; I’ve had practice: picking a college, getting married, having children etc. He needs to know you are there to help, not decide, support not criticize. </p></li>
<li><p>He wants to make his own decision, but doesn’t want to disappoint or overburden you. Making himself happy may not be the same thing as making you happy; he needs to reconcile that on his own. </p></li>
<li><p>He knows what everyone else wants but not what he wants. </p></li>
</ol>
<p>My suggestion is to tell him what the restrictions are (financial, distance etc) if any. Then tell him you are available for advice and counsel but it is his decision. Remind him that this is not an irreversible decision, he can change his mind if after getting there he hates it. </p>
<p>Then close your mouth, only answer questions that are asked and suffer in silence.</p>
<p>The last one is virtually impossible, but you may be surprised by how mature he is and how often he turns to you for advice.</p>
<p>However, making these posts here, rather than burdening him with all of these thoughts and questions as they arise in my mind, is my way of suffering in silence. Those who assume that I’m burdening my son with everything I’m unloading here are wrong. I’m using this as a kind of therapy, I suppose, to help me get past the worry. He’s off doing his own thing, mostly oblivious to his old man’s agony. (I exaggerate.)</p>
<p>Okay, but once more, for the record: I am willing to pay for prestige. I do not feel obligated to pay for prestige, nor am I willing to mortgage my family’s future for it, nor am I willing to pay for prestige to the exclusion of all other factors. It is simply one part of the equation.</p>
<p>Do I overuse the word? Perhaps, but I’m not sure what better word there is. I use it to mean, “the perceived value of the education that follows one into life after graduation.” Fifty times more people say “wow” about Harvard than about South Dakota State. That is prestige. It has real, tangible value. This does not change the fact that one may receive a better education at South Dakota State depending on one’s major, attitude, life circumstances, etc., and if the conditions are right, it may very well make more sense to go to South Dakota State.</p>
<p>But I am hearing a lot of out-of-hand dismissal of prestige—perhaps because some people just don’t like the sound of the word—and I believe that’s foolish. If someone says, “I want to attend a prestigious university,” you shouldn’t just jump all over them for using the word “prestige,” which is what I feel some are doing here. I’ve now made, what, three separate posts clarifying where prestige falls on my list of priorities. What else can I say?</p>
<p>And if that is important to your family, then you need to decide it’s value relative to other factors in order to be able to make choices. Nobody begrudges you your values; we all have our own.</p>
<p>Think about the word “reputation” instead of “prestige.” Reputation, to me, feels more grounded, tangible, solid – Harvard has a great reputation because of blah blah blah programs and resources. There’s a reason behind a good reputation (or a bad one). Prestige feels more about just impressing people for the sake of impressing them – Harvard has prestige because everyone says, ooh, Harvard.</p>