<p>“Won’t you be worried about her?”</p>
<p>(You forgot that gem, Momof7thgrader.)</p>
<p>; )</p>
<p>Just curious…</p>
<p>…has anyone engaged these people by asking them to clarify their meaning since they seem very hostile, judgmental and negative?</p>
<p>Something like this – adapted to one’s own personal tone: “Are you saying that I don’t love my child?” or “Why did you say that my child is being sent to school when s/he’s simply going to school, just like you say your child goes to school? What are you assuming by saying that?”</p>
<p>I’m asking because I think these people are being rude while counting on the parents here to be polite enough to let these people get away with their bad behavior. There’s no need for bad behavior to be greeted with bad behavior. At the same time, there’s no reason why bad behavior cannot be held in account in a polite way.</p>
<p>Asking someone to explain their meaning because it comes across as offensive seems to be a polite response. It’s confrontational, but it’s not impolite (I think) to tell someone that you’re interpreting them in an unflattering way and, to be fair to them, you’d like to give them the opportunity to explain what they mean.</p>
<p>I think that kind of approach is very different from trying to joust with these bystanders. “Winning” isn’t the ultimate aim of this approach. And it doesn’t require you to take the defensive. You’re simply asking them to say what they mean without pretending it’s not hostile. They’re the ones who need to explain themselves, not you.</p>
<p>I agree with D’yer. While I definitely bristle when I hear comments like that, I’m pretty sure I’ve thoughtlessly said something to someone that was equally rude without really realizing it. </p>
<p>Another approach that has worked for me in the past when I’ve made one of my (endlessly) controversial parenting moves has been, “I used to think that too, but then…” or “You’re right. It is hard, but _____.” More than once, after a conversation like that, I’ve had a parent come up to me six months later and let me know that he/she had also decided to do whatever crazy thing it was that I was doing! Not that it was my intention to convert anyone–but I do like it when conversations open up possibilities.</p>
<p>The comment I get the most often is “I could never do that”, which I don’t take as hostile. My approach is to set the tone right away in the discussion - I talk about being glad that DD has this opportunity even though friendlydad and I will miss her, that it’s not about us, that she’s the kind of kid who will be at her best there, etc. I don’t do this to be a jerk about it; I really feel like my missing DD would be a terrible reason not to let her go to BS. There’s a little part of me that wants to call these parents selfish etc, but I don’t really think it’s that- I think the “I would miss her too much” is sort of a shorthand for all of the reasons that they decided BS wasn’t right for their families.</p>
<p>There are a lot of reasons that I’m glad DD is going to boarding school instead of to a local high school, but I wouldn’t dream of going into them with parents who have kids in high schools where we live. Those kids are going to get terrific educations and have a wonderful high school experience; why should I cut them down and belittle it? However, I think that for our family, the boarding school choice is an exciting one and the right one.</p>
<p>Boarding school is so off the radar screen for most people that it tends to take them by surprise. This time last year I would have told you in no uncertain terms that I would never, ever send my child to a boarding school. (Actually, I would have been polite about the way I said it, but that would still have been my immediate response.) It took time for me to get used to the idea and study out the advantages of boarding school before I was convinced. </p>
<p>I don’t think “ignorant” is a very kind term to apply to people who simply aren’t familiar with boarding school or who cannot even consider it for financial reasons.</p>
<p>I generally say, “they’re very happy,” and move on. My closest friends know why our kids chose boarding schools. As we were very involved in our local public school before the transition to private schools, people don’t raise the topic. Our kids are smart, nice, and well-behaved. That limits the possible reasons for the change in schools. </p>
<p>Choosing to opt out of the local schools signals dissatisfaction with the local options. Being happy about the change is another challenge. </p>
<p>No one’s said to my face, “only bad parents send their kids to boarding schools.” I don’t know what I would do if anyone tried. I think I’d laugh.</p>
<p>In mentioning to our last guy, who is still in BS, that his rising 8th grader sister might do her freshman year at the local PS, he questioned us of maybe being selfish.</p>
<p>Now that both kids are enrolled in distant BSs, thankfully, there is less opportunity for us to interact with the parents of their peers. I have mastered the art of ducking or being in a hurry when I run into them at the supermarket or health club. Awkward, but better than the endless hours – spent after a lengthy conversation - wishing I had said different things. </p>
<p>The kids have their own challenges in the summer, however. Rising BS senior has basically cut ties with all of her local friends. We had been concerned about this until watching younger sib deal with the local scene so far this summer. A popular and gregarious kid, he’s faced some nasty/jealous comments and we are beginning to think he should mimic his sister’s strategy.</p>
<p>Our close friends know the real reason we enrolled S in BS: there was not enough to challenge him in his former school. </p>
<p>But the diplomatic reason we tell other surprised parents at his former school is that as we knew we would be moving to another country for job, BS was an opportunity for S to maintain continuity in the crucial high school years.</p>
<p>S has come back to visit his former school and sit-in in classes. He is shocked by the much lower discipline & academic standards. Though he was initially sad about leaving his former school & friends and had a rocky start in BS, he now has no regrets.</p>
<p>It’s easy to tell when people are honestly, genuinely curious about the choice and I’m happy to explain - to a point. I always start with a disclaimer “I think LPS is an excellent school for most kids but DD wanted something different”. There are other people who are anything but genuine. </p>
<p>I’ve been involved in my DD’s schools’ PTA’s since Kindergarten and there is definitely a feeling that I’ve moved to “the other team”.</p>
<p>To avoid either side feeling judged, I used to say things like:</p>
<p>“I guess it does sound a bit different, but it really works best for our family.” OR</p>
<p>“She loves her independence and having new experiences. Plus. it’s a great school that gave us financial aid too.” OR</p>
<p>“You might be confused with the difference between prep boarding schools and therapeutic boarding schools. Prep boarding schools search for high-achieving kids all over the world and bring them together in a college-like setting. It’s awesome. Therapeutic schools are the ones that are trying to address a problem.” OR</p>
<p>“These schools are filled with the most amazing, accomplished faculty who live right on campus right with the kids. Fantastic role models everywhere. Finally, in addition to us, she’ll have the chance to live and study with other incredible musicians.” OR</p>
<p>“It’s incredibly exciting because these kids come from all over the world. You wouldn’t believe the energy on campus and the learning that comes just from the mix of kids.” OR</p>
<p>“Really, these schools admit the whole family, not just the kid. We’re heavily involved from start to finish, constant communication with advisers, other parents, faculty, the headmaster. We play a bigger part in boarding school than we do in day school!” OR</p>
<p>“Yes, it’ll definitely be hard not to have her around every night, we love her so. It’s actually because we love her so much that we’ve agreed to let her have this experience.” OR</p>
<p>“I’ll email you the link to the school and maybe another bit of info. That’s the best way to understand what a great choice this is for her.”</p>
<p>Momof7thgrader, yes, there are different categories of questions. Some parents ask, because they’ve heard this wild rumor we sent our kids to BS. Other parents ask because they’re contemplating a family school change of some sort–BS, “going private,” moving to another town. </p>
<p>The latter group ask about the positives AND negatives of the experience; the former are convinced it’s mostly negative (from the start of the conversation.)</p>
<p>@ops: Interesting. While our younger girl has always been more of a homebody than her older sister, we will be encouraging her to research/explore BSs that “fit” her for her HS years so that we aren’t restricting her choices — since we didn’t restrict her sister’s. I’d prefer to avoid any “But you let SevenDaughter1 do x, y, z…” drama down the road. ;-)</p>
<p>Given that her niche sport isn’t supported that well by many BS, I’d put the chances of our younger one (SevenDaughter2?) staying home for high school at 50-50 right now.</p>
<p>Classmate in school chose to go to BS for a “postgraduate” year. Deerfield. Everyone was so sympathetic – going to BS meant that he must not have gotten into any colleges and so had to repeat senior year.</p>
<p>Really, very few people (outside of the Northeast) have any clue about boarding schools, the quality of the kids who go there, and the culture. In many places, going to BS is some kind of admission of failure on the part of both kid and parents.</p>
<p>At the age of 6 my d decided she wanted to wear her hair “naturally”. As african-american woman in our family, we wear our hair in “locs”. Even within our community, I got the strangest comments and “out-of-line” statements from complete strangers as well as people we knew well. (Comments like: what will other kids say, how could you do that to your child, how will she fit in…etc)</p>
<p>As time went on, I thanked these people. It gave my d such strength of self. It was the beginning of many conversations about the ignorance of those who do not know of which they speak. </p>
<p>I understand that many “friends” and family always thought that I was “strange” anyway, and my favorite comeback has always been:</p>
<p>BS isnt for every kid or every family, but it is right my her. (before they can say another word, I walk away—lol…smiling).</p>
<p>We had an experience over the weekend that falls into the “insensitivity” category rather than the “hostility” category but I still thought I would share it here. My DD is starting at St. Paul’s in the fall. Over the weekend we had dinner with a neighbor who started going on and on about what an armpit of a town Concord NH is - right in front of my daughter! Now, we all realize that Concord is not the earth’s garden spot, but what would possess a grown woman to spew on about how ugly and boring the place is to a 14 yo who is about to spend the next 4 years there? Once I got my wits about me I cut her off, but the cluelessness of some people really amazes me.</p>
<p>^ cluelessness or passive aggressiveness??</p>
<p>Friendlymom- that is not cluelessness, that is just meaness. In my cranky middle age, my standard response to any mean question (ie, "how could you send him away?) is to respond with a question, like “why would you ask such a thing?”</p>
<p>Your neighbor is crazy…another reason to send your daughter to BS!</p>
<p>My neighbor definitely has some pretty questionable personality traits - but that gets back to the original point IMO that people who think they need to say something or pass judgment on a family’s decision about boarding school are saying more about themselves than they are about the family they’re questioning.</p>