how can i improve my college app essay?

<p>Discuss some issue of personal, local, national, or international concern and its importance to you.</p>

<pre><code> Sharing my voice
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<p>When most of my friends think back to their early childhood memories they reminisce on their first words being “mama, daddy, bottle, or banana. “</p>

<p>Mine were “It isn’t fair”.</p>

<p>Ever since I can remember, things never seemed fair to me. When my favorite brand of multi-flavored gum with the bright yellow packaging was discontinued “it wasn’t fair.” When my sister got her room repainted the same color as mine, she was obviously trying to steal my identity and this certainly “wasn’t fair”. And when my brother got to join a soccer team and I was sent to a ballroom dance school, I stomped my feet and declared to my parents that I was just as good at soccer as any boy and it “wasn’t fair” that he got to wear a jersey and I had to wear an itchy dress and hold hands with some strange boy while doing the cha cha cha. What’s worse is that I was unyielding. While most people would have given it a rest and found another hobby, I sat at my brother’s soccer games (refusing to cheer, of course, as that would be a sign of giving in) and drafted letters to the soccer coach requesting he allow me to join the boys’ soccer team.
Two weeks into the season, I was allowed to join the Lyons soccer team.</p>

<pre><code> Looking back, I really do think that this was the beginning of my strong belief in having your own voice and making sure it’s heard. Because if you don’t take a stand, someone will take one for you. I never realized the importance of this until I grew older.

Jay used to sit next to me in advanced reading in middle school. He was a scrawny little boy with round glasses that didn’t do anything except read, and he was brilliant. He and I had a strange relationship. He viewed me as a friend, but I viewed myself as his protector. Because kids can be mean and while Jay could have proudly told you all the presidents in chronological order along with the years which they governed, when Riley, the class bully came over, his confidence drained him, and he was just another vulnerable target. Every day Riley would pull out his chair and as he fell she’d taunt him saying, “Hey Jay, no one cares about who was president in 1812, you nerd!” Every day I’d sit there pretending to read my book thinking, come on Jay, don’t let her bully you. Stand up for yourself! But it wasn’t that he wouldn’t, I think he couldn’t. Eventually, losing my patience, I grabbed the chair, helped him up, and turned to Riley. A familiar phrase popped into my mind, “This isn’t fair”. He may not have a voice, but I’m giving him one now. “You ever bully him again and I’ll come knock your chair from under you.”

I’ve always been taught to stand up for those who can’t stand up for themselves because if no one ever acts, when I need help, there will be no one to stand up for me. I find that society is becoming more and more indifferent to those who are suffering and can’t get their message out. I also wholeheartedly believe that this problem can easily be fixed if everyone joined together and fought for what is right. And while, many researchers and reporters find excuses for this in violent games and crude music, I think it all leads up to personal accountability. Because no one deserves to be treated unfairly for being different. That’s “just not fair” which is why I am changing it. Whether it’s through my involvement in Mini medical school or my study of the law, I know I’m preparing myself to advocate for those who need help finding their voice.
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<p>rule #1: don’t put your essay text here. Easily lifted and stolen by others.</p>

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<p>Helpful link about essays:
[Essays</a>, Admission Information, Undergraduate Admission, U.Va.](<a href=“Redirect Notice”>Redirect Notice)</p>

<p>How do i delete this off here?</p>

<p>I like it because it’s simple and straightforward. In the mids of complex, wordy essays, yours may stand out. From this essay, it seems that you are a practical, opinionated, no-******** type of person…</p>

<p>It’s well written, but IMO a bit shallow. How exactly do you propose to get everyone to join together and fight for what is right when people can’t even agree with ‘right’ is?</p>

<p>You also need more focus. Of course it’s nice to stand up for others, but what issues exactly compel you to to do so? If your issue is bullying in school, can you link it to something more recent than one example in middle school? I would eliminate the first paragraph and explain more fully how your concerns has played out in the mini Medical School and your study of law.</p>