Home has always been a nice place for me, but not necessarily the best. My parents favor my brother (18 months my junior) over me, and it clearly shows, despite their various excuses. I can sort of understand why they like my brother better: he’s a boy (duh), he’s the younger one, and he’s “slow” for lack of a better word (teachers suspected some type of LD in elementary school, but we never got him tested). I have the better grades (not perfect), test scores, awards, extracurriculars, and friends. My parents get this disappointed look on their face whenever I bring home Bs (and I have 10 of them on my report card, so you infer), but let my brother slide after he got 2 Cs and virtually no As on his report cards. It was in an honors class, so they feel like it’s justified that the grades he got was because of the accelerated pace. I took the same honors course when I was in his grade, brought home 2 Bs, and they yelled at me nonstop for a week. My brother is virtually set to graduate in the bottom quarter of his class, but my parents say it’s “ok” and “not a big deal”. Meanwhile, they yell at me for basically skirting the top quarter of my class (ranks not released yet, competitive school).
I feel like my parents are setting a double standard for their children. It makes me feel ignored and neglected, and sometimes I cry myself to sleep at night because I feel like they don’t love me anymore. How should I talk to my parents about this? Should I turn to my school’s GC?
I’m very sorry to hear this.
It’s quite possible your parents are trying to “overcompensate” because they perceive your brother as the weaker one who needs encouragement, and yourself as the go-getter who’ll be fine no matter what. In short, they have high expectations of you because they think highly of you, whereas your brother, they think, “well, he’s, well, slow” and immediately feel they need to add something positive like “but he’s sweet” or whatever, because as a parent you try to go easy on the weaker kid.
Still, they probably don’t realize that you, too, need positive reinforcement and affirmation on their part.
I’m not quite sure how to broach this but I hope other parents will.
@MYOS1634 thanks for your input. I feel like they shifted all of my brother’s expectations to me (I am a former athlete, and I played three instruments and took a lot of STEM classes). I had no idea how to put the thing I was missing (positive enforcement in this case) from them. Thanks for naming what I was really missing.
I’m sorry! I think your parents just want you to do well in school. They are probably just trying to motivate you to do your best and don’t realize they are hurting you. They have probably accepted that school is not your brothers strong suit, but you are obviously very smart. Tell them how you feel and I bet they will understand.
@Madeline25 sigh… Like all other parents, my parents refuse to admit they have a favorite. I’ve tried doing it the really nice way where I talk to them about how they leave me out, but they always deny it.
Michelle, Try rephrasing the discussion around the irrefutable fact that, whether they favor him or not, YOU FEEL as if they do. Nobody can deny what you are feeling. Tell them the point is that you need to not feel that way. Then be direct and ask them why there is a double standard. I suspect they simply have higher expectations of you and don’t realize it feels like unfair pressure.
We don’t get to choose our family unfortunately. Sometimes we are put into tough situations that there really isnt anything we can do and it just sucks. You have to remember that soon you will be able to get out of the house and get away. Do what’s best for you and if your parents can’t see that you do try, then really, oh well. If you are satisfied with yourself, that’s all that matters. Every parent loves their children, and show their love in different ways. As does every child loves their parents and tries to make them proud.
I’ve been in a similar situation. I live with my grandparents and feel they expect me to be perfect and every little thing I do they act like I’m going to be sent to hell. But their children did things much worse than I would never think about doing: sneaking out, getting drunk in high school. But they catch a little bit of attitude in my voice or I don’t make my bed-I’m the worst kid EVER.
But really I wouldn’t let it bother you. Tell yourself that you will be a better parent to your children and this isn’t the end of the world. Your feelings are valid, and you will get through this and be happy.
Ok. I have to bump this. I am so thoroughly frustrated with my family. My dad just went ahead and PICKED OUT MY ED SCHOOLS for me. He said if I don’t make an effort to apply to these schools (and get in) that he wouldn’t pay for my college and he would give all the money to my brother. My brother is going to a state school for sure, and I have a solid chance at some privates (even if my dad doesn’t like them). I don’t see why he needs the money. With our 280k income bracket, we should be able to support the both of us just fine. My dad officially has 0 (possibly negative) faith in me. He just signed me up for some time consuming tutor because he doesn’t believe I can handle Calc. My brother’s the one that almost got a C in math if it wasn’t for the curve in the final. Not me. I don’t understand. I’m so upset. I just don’t know what to do anymore.
@michelle426 ED schools??! You can only apply to ONE school ED. You need to explain this to your dad. Many colleges share lists of accepted students at ED time, and if you apply to, and are accepted at, multiple schools ED, you may lose your acceptances and have a difficult time finding another school to let you in RD. Also, other students from your high school who apply to those schools in future years might get put in an “auto reject” pile because you broke the ED contract.
What schools have your dad picked out for you, and what are your stats? You need to take a look at the Common Data Set for each of the schools your dad has picked out and show them to him. Explain your likelihood of getting in. Then, apply to the schools he wants you to apply to, making sure he knows that you are, as well as some schools you want to apply to. Ask your dad why he picked the schools, and try to convince him to look at the schools YOU want to look at, too.
It’s possible your dad is just saying that he won’t pay now, and will change his tune once the acceptances (or rejections) start to roll in. In the meantime, though, you need to look at some schools that will give you merit money. There’s a thread on this forum that lists automatic merit scholarships that you might qualify for. You can also receive about $5000 in loan money I think, and you can earn a couple thousand a year by getting a job. Depending on what your stats are, this could be enough to fund your education without your dad having to sign off on anything. That way, even if you don’t get into the schools your dad wants you to get into you’ll be able to live away from home and go to school somewhere. If you’re paying for 100% of the school costs, neither of your parents have to agree with where you go.
In terms of the tutor- even if you don’t think you’ll need one, a tutor can be helpful. Give it a month or so, and if you really don’t think it’s helping, then talk to your dad about that. Show him your grades, and ask if you can take a couple of weeks off from tutoring. Perhaps make an agreement where if you maintain your grades during those weeks, you don’t have to continue receiving tutoring, but if your grades slip (you’ll probably want to define percentages for that- so if your grade drops .00001% your dad can’t force you to go through tutoring because “your grades slipped”) then you’ll resume tutoring.
I’m really sorry this is happening to you. Take a deep breath. I think turning to a third party could be a good idea. Your school’s GC would be the best person for that. Meet with your GC and explain the situation, then ask for help in talking to your parents. Perhaps your GC could also meet with your parents and advocate for you. Your parents would probably listen to the GC.
@michelle426 ah, okay. But you can only apply ED2 if you get rejected from your ED1 school, I believe- though I would check out the ED1 and 2 policies of the two schools, pretty sure most schools say you can only apply 1 ED school, regardless of whether it is 1 or 2.
Where do you want to go to school and qhere does your dad want you to apply ED?
Are your parents from a culture where the son is favored over the daughter ?
@MYOS1634 My family is Chinese (not mainland) so maybe? My parents claim that they don’t have gender bias, which I think is true, they just like my brother more.
I am fine really going to any school with a lively atmosphere (medium-large school) with a strong physical sciences department and a fair amount of resources. My dad is making me apply ED 1 to Scripps and ED 2 to HMC (this is subject to change, but these two are the only two schools available for my ED slots). I like Scripps, but it’s not my first choice school (I don’t have a “dream” school) and would only consider it as A CHOICE. I’m doing all I can to put effort into me being deferred.
Scripps actually sounds good for what you want - very supportive of women in the sciences, 5,000students in the Claremonts (all colleges are adjacent and you can take classes any where), very much into women’spower so you’d learn how t deal with your parents… Thosr may not be the reasons tjat made your fathe choose it for you but you can make it work. If that were the only choice beside the colleges on the YOLA list wouldn’t you choose it?
I HIGHLY. doubt you can get into HMC if you can’t get into Scripps. Don’t waste your Ed2 on that.
Perhaps pick Barnsrd ED2?
@MYOS1634 Barnard does not offer an ED 2 plan, and I have no intention of applying there. If you take a look at my stats, I feel like I have an okay chance for Scripps, and I don’t think I will get rejected (maybe deferred) ED.
Until you got to Chinese, I thought you were my son!
Parents treat kids differently based on what they need. You are smart, independent and seem personable. You need less from them (in their minds). It happens. You may hit the time When you need more. I went through this with my 2 S’s. S2 got all the time attention due to his disability. Now older gets more attention bc of colleges and his general teenage PITA ness.
Try to remember no one gives us instructions when they hand us babies, so we sometimes screw up;)
My S and his dad are having ED issues too. Just try to keep making your case. He is used to having to “steer” your brother, so may have a hard time with control.
They do love you just as much. It just doesn’t always seem like it. I’m sorry it makes you feel sad. I agree, just point that it makes you feel that way instead of pushing on the you love him more thing.
You’re probably 50-50foScrippsmaybe more, it’s a match but their selectivity makes it unpredictable.
What will happen ifyou’re deferred from Scripps? On the positive side you get to have a choice. On the negative side what’s the risk of your father deciding he won’t pay for college ?
I think you need to apply to EA and rolling admission schools that offer large merit awards just in case.
@MYOS1634 If I am deferred or rejected from my ED 1 or 2 schools, then my dad will pay for any school that I want to go to. However, there are conditions:
If I get into Scripps RD (deferred), then the only UCs I may go to are UCB, UCLA, UCSD, and UCD.
If I get into UCB, LA, or SD, I cannot go to any OOS school.
If I get into Cornell or NYU, the only way I can go is if I do not get into any of the top 4 UCs.
I don’t think lying is a great idea, but you could do the ED and have your GC “tank” the app for you by informing the school you are only doing it bc your dad is making you…
