<p>I'm one of 3 children; my older brother and I are pretty independent, but my younger sister, a HS senior, is very much the "baby" of the family and my parents are more hands-on with her. Lately she and my parents have been arguing a lot because they disapprove of her college list and major. She wants to do ED to SUNY Geneseo, and apply to SUNY Binghamton, SUNY Stonybrook, Skidmore, and Dickinson if Geneseo doesn't work out. Meanwhile, they're pushing for Brown, Barnard, NYU, Fordham, and Sarah Lawrence. </p>
<p>They're also imploring her to drop Anthropology for something more lucrative. It should be mentioned my parents (Darmouth, Barnard, Georgetown grads) are both in Finance, as is much of my extended family. They're proud of my brother, a Princeton junior, and they were ok with me at NYU, but they dislike SUNY and are pushing for something more "elite", saying she can do better. It's true Geneseo is easy for her to get into, but she loves it, and she's set on Anthropology. She visited Geneseo but they won't even take her to visit the other schools (less than 5 hrs by car and they have time) and are refusing to sign the ED app. </p>
<p>I'm tired of all this bickering - how can I get my parents to lay off her, and why are they more controlling with her? Do parents just get weird about the youngest kid or is it just my parents? They think they're acting in her best interests here.</p>
<p>It is a tough question. Most of parents are hoping their kids’s bright future and obviously so are your parents. My wife and I often crash about my S’s college matter. According to her, I am too open minded. She wants to send her kid to colleges with high selectivity as possible. I have a different idea. But both think their thought is his best interest.<br>
Do you know the reason why your parents are sticking to more “lucrative” majors for her? If your parents are “there is nothing money can buy” type, it would be hard to convince them. But I think this major thing has priority than college selection matter. In your observation, how strong is your sister’s intention to study Anthropology? What motivates her to study it. What is her career consideration?
Do your parents mention “more lucrative” more concretely? Do they want her into finance? If it is not so, they simply see her current wish less serious and temporal. They may have had experience in similar thing and consider it as mere youthful enthusiasm.
It is hard to tell, but usually, it’s better not accuse your parents of obstinacy.</p>
<p>Here’s my two cents: they think she’s settling for an easier school when they know she could do the work at a more competitive one. To be completely honest, I wouldn’t be thrilled if my child could get into a Brown or a Dartmouth and settled for Geneseo (yes, I know that is college snobbery at its worst, but I do think someone coming out of an Ivy has a better network for jobs later on). (and I didn’t go to an Ivy and my rising senior daughter most likely will not be going to one)<br>
That being said, I’m not sure there’s anything you can do. Why does she want to go the SUNY route, has she said? Has she laid out a good argument to them for why Geneseo would be better than the schools they like? </p>
<p>If my child could give me a really good argument why a SUNY school would be superior to an Ivy, I might consider it. But if her argument was “all my friends are going there” or “it’s good enough for me”, I think I’d find that really frustrating. </p>
<p>Now, trying to convince her not to study Anthropology is silly. She should study what she wants and let the chips fall where they may. She’ll probably change her major anyway - what’s the statistic? That kids change their major an average of three times? </p>
<p>And they really could all just compromise on Skidmore and Dickinson - great schools.</p>
<p>Anthropology can be a great pre-professional major. Point this out to your Dad. He is right about school selection. Your sister should try to go somewhere he finds acceptable (his nickel, right?) but major in something she likes as an undergrad. </p>
<p>There is no reason to do ED at a good but mid-level state school. If she is viable for Brown, etc. she is in at SUNY Geneseo.If she is marginal for SUNY Geneseo, ED might be justified.</p>
<p>At this point, she should keep her options open by applying to many schools, including Brown, etc.</p>
<p>If she needs them to pay, she’s going to do it their way. I also would not be happy to pay for a SUNY if better options were available–and this comes from the parent of a kid who started at one.</p>
<p>OP: If I were you I would play the role of neutral mediator and strike a deal. Convince your sister to apply regular decision instead of early decision. That will keep her options open. In return your dad has to stop nagging her until December. Both sides get time to build their arguments and hopefully come to a resolution before deadlines have passed.</p>
<p>Hearing about a parent disliking what their child wants to major in makes me cringe. It’s HER life. I read over and over about kids who are disliking college, not doing well, uninspired, etc. Why? Because they’re majoring in something that their PARENTS want them to major in…not something that really grabs their interest. </p>
<p>Personally, I majored in something that my parents wanted me to…I was okay with it…but I never worked in the field. (Never done much of anything really and it all falls back on less than great college decisions, CC vs 4 year, major, etc.) I wish I’d know then what I know now (I had no clue that student loans were even a possibility…I figured that what my parents were willing to pay for was my only option…period.)</p>
<p>If you can possibly get them to back off nagging her that would be great.</p>
<p>My own sons are majoring in stuff that people question, but it’s what THEY want so that’s what’s important to me.</p>
<p>“If I were you I would play the role of neutral mediator and strike a deal. Convince your sister to apply regular decision instead of early decision. That will keep her options open. In return your dad has to stop nagging her until December.”</p>
<p>ABSOLUTELY NOT! Maybe speaking to the younger sister, but negotiating on her behalf with the parents is both inappropriate and a recipe for disaster.</p>
<p>“Hearing about a parent disliking what their child wants to major in makes me cringe. It’s HER life.”</p>
<p>I wouldn’t dictate my children’s major, but the basic principle remains the same. Her money, her choice. Their money, their choice. The parents are under no obligation to finance something that they view as a waste of money.</p>
<p>Then she better go to SUNY G if it is going to be on her dime.</p>
<p>I get the whole “their money their choice” in the college to some degree, but NOT the “their money their choice” in major. That is a recipe for disaster. </p>
<p>There are parental responsibilities and obligations, but to take TOTAL control of the college chosen AND the major? The money spent on THAT will be a total waste. If she goes to an IVY on their dime, and then HAS to study—say, finance, she will surely waste their money and her time.</p>
<p>If she can easily get into SUNY G, I agree with not applying ED. I think she should compromise and visit and explore some of the colleges on the parental list. And they should visit and explore some of the colleges on her list. The biggest problem with ED is that lots of students change their mind between the application and signing the ED agreement in AUG/SEPT and matriculating nearly a year later. </p>
<p>I think your sister is digging her heels in. So your parents are going to as well. Everyone can keep their feet firmly planted, but get the heels out of the dirt and look for some common ground.</p>
<p>SUNY G is a great school. It’s not easy to get into and many are surprised when they get their rejection in the mail. Last year, a cousin got into John Hopkins, Rollins, Vanderbilt, and Tulane and got rejected from SUNY G. Many of the Val’s around here choose it over higher ranked private LAC’s. </p>
<p>People need to get over some of the CC elitist views on undergraduate education. Help your younger sister present her reasons for choosing SUNY G in a mature and thoughtful way to your parents. I’m not familiar with their anthropology program but their biology/biochem dept. is rigorous. They have a beautiful new science building on campus.</p>
<p>Your sister sounds like a very smart girl. Help your parents to understand that they’ve done a great job in teaching your sister to find her passion and the fortitude to fight for what she feels is right for her.</p>
<p>You left out my last sentence from your quote of my post:</p>
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<p>I am not asking the OP to negotiate but to mediate and as a NEUTRAL mediator. The two sides still have to resolve their own conflicts on their own. The biggest danger I see in this is that the sister is going in for ED and closing off her options. She is perhaps motivated by a desire to close off all arguments from her parents by going for ED, and may regret her choice later. </p>
<p>By starting this thread, OP has clearly indicated that he plans to insert himself into the conflict between his sister and the parents and I’m actually asking him to stay neutral while he does so.</p>
<p>Dad should realize that he might be able to force his daughter to go to a more prestigious school, but he can’t force her to stay there. It is easy for a student to flunk out after a year or semester if she feels she was railroaded.</p>
<p>Maybe the compromise is a year at a more prestigious school required by Dad, with the option to transfer – no questions asked.</p>
<p>As far as the major goes, there are double majors or a major and a minor. So major in Anthropology and minor in Math, or something similar.</p>
<p>The ultimate compromise (which someone else might have suggested already) – Dad’s school, Sister’s major. Or vice versa.</p>
<p>“I am not asking the OP to negotiate but to mediate and as a NEUTRAL mediator.”</p>
<p>Whether you describe it as being a neutral mediator or negotiating on behalf of the sister, it is most emphatically NOT the OP’s business to give unsolicited advice to his dad to “stop nagging” her sister in return for something else. The OP is the child, the father is the parent. By inserting herself in the middle, the OP can only damage her own relationship with his parents.</p>
<p>As to the question of major, I think that all of us would place limits on what subjects we will pay for. I wouldn’t pay to send my child to circus school, for example, even if some prestigious university had a circus school. If you accept that premise, as the well-known joke goes, we’re simply haggling about the price.</p>
<p>Sometimes saying “I am suffering here” can actually help. Consider telling both sides that this is making YOU ill. Can you ask them all to take the discussion to a therapist and leave the discussion at the therapists office? If there are some guidelines for the family as in: we only discuss college application stuff between 8 and 9 p.m on Wednesdays when Alix is at guitar . . . it can give a framework that gives everybody some relief
Good luck!</p>
<p>I see. You have a problem with OP’s query “advice for my dad” in the first place. Looks like you think he should stay out of it completely. I guess you and I have philosophical differences.</p>
<p>Personally as a parent I like to get advice from my teenager. The advice is frequently unsolicited and sometimes unpleasant, but I value it anyway. If she sees me doing what she believes is the wrong thing, then I hope that she would speak up and let me know. It is up to me to take that advice or not.</p>
<p>In general, I have no problem with my children expressing their views about almost anything. However, I continue to believe that it is a mistake and inappropriate for a child to insert themselves as a mediator between the parent and another child without being asked. I think that the most likely result is simply to damage the relationship between the parent and the mediator, who is not fundamentally different from a negotiator in this case and will inevitably be viewed as intervening on behalf of the sibling.</p>
<p>Is there any advantage to applying ED at a state uni which the applicant seems sure of getting in anyway? Could the OP suggest to the younger sister that she apply to a range of schools (NYU’s anthro department may actually be better than Harvard’s) including Geneseo. She can decide which school to attend later when offers are in.
As for the major, again, she can delay such a decision until later. Maybe she will change her mind once in college and takes classes in a variety of fields. She can also remind her Dartmouth graduate parent that Tim Geithner studied government and East Asian studies there, not, at first glance, the most potentially lucrative majors.</p>
<p>It may not be best for the OP to act as mediator, but she could defuse tensions by reminding everybody that a decision need not be made right now.</p>
<p>Thanks for the comments. Some of you are debating whether or not I should get involved - well as this has become an issue and my parents and sister have asked me for their input. It’s true my parents can choose what’s worthy to spend their money on, but ultimately it’s her education and her future, right? Also, they’re not pushing her to study Finance, but they dislike Anthropology because they feel she hasn’t put enough thought into it, and they’re a bit ignorant about the field. But double majoring or minoring is definitely a great option; I know she’s interested in International Relations. The major isn’t as big a deal right now, since people generally change their minds.</p>
<p>She really loves Geneseo, and wants to do ED so she can get in this December and not bother applying to other schools. Geneseo is a top state school, ranked #11 in it’s category by USNWR, and Binghamton/Geneseo are considered the best here in NY. Brown is a huge reach, Barnard a reach with legacy, NYU is a “low reach”, Fordham and Sarah Lawrence are “match” schools. She dislikes NYU and Fordham because she wants a rural environment, and she prefers her own schools to Sarah Lawrence. </p>
<p>I know this will offend some of you, but my parents are too obsessed with college prestige and I think many CC parents are too. Dad breezed through Darmouth in 3 years, my Mom graduated with honors from Barnard and has a Georgetown Master’s. They’re so proud of my brother for being HS salutatorian and excelling at Princeton, they pushed me toward Columbia (didn’t have my major) but were fine with NYU, but they’re embarrassed by their kid going to a State U. They like SUNY in general, just not for their own kids.</p>
<p>My family’s history has much to do with it - we are directly descended from founding fathers who penned the declaration, our family has attended Ivies since the 1700’s, and for centuries, we have been active in the fields of Law, Business, and Politics primarily. She’s kind of the oddball going to a State U to study culture. :)</p>
<p>It’s an interesting twist on the usual take on the “dream school.” Usually, the parents cannot afford it or are not willing to pay for it if there’s a cheaper option.</p>
<p>Are there colleges that your parents might approve of that share characteristics with Geneseo? Is there an EA option at Geneseo? If so, she could fill out a couple of applications besides the Geneseo one. I suspect both your sister and your parents may be in a different place by December. Suggest to them not to lock themselves into a position, but to explore all angles and various alternatives. Plenty of time yet before a decision is reached. Meanwhile, your sister ought to think about her essay. It may clarify for her why she likes Geneseo.</p>
Some of you are debating whether or not I should get involved - well as this has become an issue and my parents and sister have asked me for their input. It’s true my parents can choose what’s worthy to spend their money on, but ultimately it’s her education and her future, right? Also, they’re not pushing her to study Finance, but they dislike Anthropology because they feel she hasn’t put enough thought into it, and they’re a bit ignorant about the field. But double majoring or minoring is definitely a great option; I know she’s interested in International Relations. The major isn’t as big a deal right now, since people generally change their minds.</p>