<p>Betcha the young lady’s parents have no idea she’s up til 2-3 am on the phone, either. (Not that I would be calling them to spill the beans, howver…)</p>
<p>I regularly take away the cell phone and laptop from my daughter. (This is our 3rd child and she has an old laptop, and a cell because she goes into the city a lot to dance; the other two never in their wildest dreams had either a cell or a laptop).</p>
<p>I pay and receive the bill (does your son get his own bill?) but do not need the bill to know what is going on. My daughter doesn’t hide it anyway. She may grumble a little, but I think she appreciates the limits. We work together to transfer this control to more self-control, over time. She gets it back, slips back into staying up late every few months, and then we go back to the limits, again removing them, usually after a week or two.</p>
<p>I also think that these technologies can isolate the kids from the family. They can stay alone in their room, in their own virtual world. I gather that some kids even have their own tv. I have sometimes asked our kids to open their doors and/or come down and spend time downstairs with the rest of us. I just say that I miss them.</p>
<p>The “battle” imagery is often used about teenagers, but I wonder if it isn’t part of the problem. Why does your son feel as if he has to lie to you?</p>
<p>Besides the controls on his cell and computer use, I would go for a long drive with him. They always seem to talk in the car. Tell him that he is growing up and that his goals are his business. Tell him he does not have to go to Ivies, that he has a right to come up with his own values and aspirations at this point. Free him from your hopes for him and let him develop his own.</p>
<p>It may seem contradictory to work on having a good, cooperative relationship, while at the same time setting strict limits, but it can work, and shows that you care about who the kid really is. His health is your business; where he goes to college and how he does his work will increasingly become only his. For this transition time, it can be difficult with the contradictory moods of dependence and rebellion, but if you have a trusting mutual relationship, it can be a pleasure in many ways.</p>
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<p>A laptop is required at my daughter’s school, so taking away computer privileges is a little tricky as it is an integral part of her education. I do ban her from facebook or e-mail, but it’s a lot easier to take the cell phone away.</p>