<p>I have been a long time browser of CC and have got a lot of help from you all. I have a problem with S a junior. S has been a high acheiver, consistent A student. Ivy material, many ap's, high scores,... but this year, S is spending hours on his cell at night with a sohomore girl, until 3 AM. S could have been studying or even better, sleeping. S is always exhausted and napping after school, doing homework in the car, bec S claims there is too much work and no time. I have no issues with S having a GF, and have told S so, but S has been denying that S is up and on his cell with her. When I asked him abt her, S says she is just a friend. If he is on the phone he says it is one of his other friends and it is for homework. I tell him every night to to go to sleep and not be up chatting, to which he agrees. The lights are off, but he's on his cell ...the bill revealed it all. I want this to stop, so that it doesn't interrupt his studying and worse, his sleep. Should I put a 'no calls after 11' limit via the cell phone provider on his cell for calls? Should I confront him abt the bill, and let him know that i know that he has been lying? Will it spoil our relationship bec, i'm snooping/spying on him w/ the bill. How do I deal with this? S is barely making his A's now and not studying for his ap's as before, because he is exhausted. It hurts that S is lying to us, just so that he can do something that is in turn hurting him. I know am the parent and would love to just confront him and take away cell privilages from him every evening, for lying and have him use the landline if he must. But I still want to be sensitive to the teen who is struggling with his emotions. If I take the cell away won't S still find another way - chat online? S has always been a good and responsible kid for whom his studies were above everything else. S has worked very hard all these years and now i see him ruining it. This year's grades are very important... what do i do? Why can't S be honest? How do I deal with this puberty/ adolesence issue? Help!</p>
<p>Give him a time (say 11:00/11:30 pm) when he must put the phone away. That means out of his bedroom, out of his pocket, on a window sill or with you. If he doesn’t, then sign up for Usage Controls with your cell phone provider and use it. I had a similar problem with S and his gf texting late into the night and S starts school at 7:00 a.m. First I talked to him about it, told him when I expect text conversations to stop, and if he doesn’t, I respond accordingly. It works like a charm.</p>
<p>Why can’t he be honest? Because he’s a teen-age boy experiencng his first love.</p>
<p>I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling him you have the phone bills to prove he’s lying and that you’re worried about his health (trying to be as matter as fact as possible, not confrontational). Don’t make it about the girl because that’s not really your issue (you say) – it’s his health and grades. Tell him you don’t want to come down on him by doing things like taking his cell phone away but that you will if he doesn’t step up and act more responsibly. He’ll know you can check up on him.</p>
<p>Grades just aren’t as important to him now that he’s in “love,” so I wouldn’t even make that a big part of your argument. You are well within parental rights to enforce some rules, including getting enough sleep.</p>
<p>My friend’s junior son had similar issues and did pretty much the same as campbellmom. My friend talked to her son several times, gave him plenty of warnings, then he must leave his cell phone with them by 11pm (or some time like that) but she didn’t have to sign up for usage control with the provider.</p>
<p>She also had a different time for her son to turn in his cell phone depending on week nights or weekends.</p>
<p>Do you pay the cell phone bill? I don’t see how it’s snooping if you look at your own phone bill.
You’re the parent, you don’t need to be his friend. Restrict the cell phone/computer use in some way either through the cell phone company or through your own methods.</p>
<p>I know it’s hard to deal with a kid who has always been good, you’re used to trusting and respecting him. But even good teenagers need limits sometimes. I know you probably don’t want to humiliate him, so I suggest you just simply make the rules and enforce them. Tell him you saw the phone bill and that late night calls for any reason (even homework) are not acceptable. Bed time is this time…after that, no calls, computer, anything. You could put that 11pm restriction on the phone if you still don’t trust him. I wouldn’t allow him to bring his computer into his room at night if it’s a laptop. I don’t think it has to get too ugly or complicated, he will probably be embarrassed enough getting caught. Kids need alot of sleep, it is critical.</p>
<p>You’re his parent, not his friend. Put in place a set of house rules that are reasonable to both parents and child with clear consequences for breaking them.</p>
<p>How is checking your phone bill “spying?” You are the parent, you are paying for the phone, you make the rules. He breaks the rules, he loses his privilege. You seem almost fearful of upsetting him. We can’t worry about being friends with our children because that prevents us from acting in their best interests when we need to be tough. He’ll probably be upset with you for a while if you take away the phone, but he’ll get over it.</p>
<p>We had this problem and it was quickly solved. Our phone plan allows you to limit texting, limit calls, etc. at certain times of day. We can block certain numbers or allow her to only call certain numbers. There are various ways to address the problem. There have been times when our D has had NO cell phone privileges and other times when we’ve had to limit them at certain times of the day or evening.</p>
<p>If he’s been lying to you, then he’s got to have consequences. Sleep is very important at this age and staying up until 3 am talking on the phone is unacceptable regardless of who he’s talking to. JMHO.</p>
<p>Who pays his cell phone bill? You can simply state that when the phone is interfering in family goals (son’s sleep and success), the phone is a detriment, thus must be given over to a parent at midnight. If he can control his usage, he can have it back. </p>
<p>Reading the bill is your responsibility as payer. His responsibility is to tell the truth, or suffer ramifications. The parent-child relationship cannot always be cozy, especially when the teen starts lying. It’s time for you to initiate boundaries and limits in order for him to thrive. He might actually be relieved to have a reason (mom) to shorten the calls to girlfriend, and get more sleep. </p>
<p>Campbellmom’s ^^suggestion is great.</p>
<p>A friend and I dealt with this, too. She has a “charging station” in the kitchen and both of her kids have to turn their phones off and plug them in at 9:00 P.M. every night. My problem was the computer - we started turning off the internet access at 9:30 P.M. S would grumble but it worked. We only had to do that for a few weeks until he just developed better habits. Going on the computer and using the cell phone often become habits (just look at some of us on cc 
!) Don’t engage in arguing/negotiating/begging. It doesn’t work. Enforcing the rules does.</p>
<p>*
I have no issues with S having a GF, and have told S so, but S has been denying that S is up and on his cell with her. When I asked him abt her, S says she is just a friend. If he is on the phone he says it is one of his other friends and it is for homework.</p>
<p>Should I put a ‘no calls after 11’ limit via the cell phone provider on his cell for calls? Should I confront him abt the bill, and let him know that i know that he has been lying? Will it spoil our relationship bec, i’m snooping/spying on him w/ the bill. How do I deal with this? S is barely making his A’s now and not studying for his ap’s as before, because he is exhausted.*</p>
<p>Absolutely…as a matter of fact, before I got to the bolded part of your post, I thought…gee, doesn’t he realize that this can be checked. Heck, I can check online about a call/text made within a half hour or so. </p>
<p>Yes, confront him. Tell him that you don’t appreciate his outright lies to him (that is the point; the point is NOT that you looked thru your OWN bill and discovered this!). </p>
<p>Now, that he’s proved that he’s not trustworthy, either take away his phone completely or make some reasonable rules. Let him know that you can check daily online to see if he’s following the rules and the phone will be taken away if the rules are not followed.</p>
<p>I’d simply tell him the rules and the consequences if he breaks the rules and then follow through with it. Tell him he’s to be off the phone at 11pm (or whenever you state) and that the first time you find he isn’t, he’s to hand you the cell phone which you’ll then keep for some period of time (example - a week for the first offense, a month for the second, forever for the third). If he feels he has a school assignment that just requires him to be on the cell at midnight or something, which is highly doubtful, tell him he has to come see you and he can have that conversation with his peer while sitting next to you.
You can also tell him you’ll shut down his internet access at 11pm as well so he won’t be able to IM. </p>
<p>Explain why you’re doing all of this and have a discussion about honesty since it appears that he’s lying to you about his cell usage. You should explain the exact rules and specific consequences up front so he’s well aware of them. Somehow kids managed to survive thought history until now without constantly being on th ephone, IM, texting, facebooking, etc. If you take it away he’ll still survive.</p>
<p>I have nothing to add except to say that I think it is very important to confront this. </p>
<p>My S was a sophomore in college when he started lying to us about things with his GF (when he was home for the summer.) I won’t go into details, but it was very, very difficult.</p>
<p>As it turns out, a lot of the intensity of the constant involvement and texting was motivated by the GF who was actually suffocating him. He had to help him extricate himself. He was lying because even he wasn’t comfortable with how much this girl was talking over his life, but she had enormous influence over him for obvious reasons.</p>
<p>I’m not saying that this is the case here, but it’s a possibility.</p>
<p>I think “first love” is a very important time for the rules and expectations of the family be stressed to give an anchor to keep the student from drifting off into hormone land.</p>
<p>He’s a junior now, and I’m glad to say, the situation is no longer with us.</p>
<p>PS: I also welcomed GF and felt GF wasn’t the issue. The issue is the strength of the young man to steer his own ship and steer it wisely.</p>
<p>Keep it simple and matter of fact. Tell him you saw the bill (which obviously you would), and focus on the outcome facts: he’s on it too much, it is clearly affecting his health, his grades. Don’t complicate it with your feelings, lying, trust etc. </p>
<p>From what you say, he sounds like a great kid and at some level knows you are absolutely right. He’s just ‘in love’ and lacking self-discipline with this. Good he’s working through it now instead of college! </p>
<p>Everyone - even adults- sometimes need external discipline or help with their own self-discipline when its lacking. And this is a new juggling act for him to figure out how to manage. Can you talk through with him ways he could manage it better - he probably has good intentions but keeps letting ‘one more hour go by’, or tomorrow will be different, or (fill in the rationalizations). He knows school matters, he probably knows his girlfriend is also being negatively impacted, but he keeps letting it slip and repeating the same problem behavior over and over again. How can he reign it in? What could he (or they) do differently than what they have been doing? </p>
<p>Then let him try it out one more time on his own, but tell him if it’s not working after X (time period), you have to play the heavy (e.g. take his cell phone and laptop at X hour, or whatever is practical). And by doing so, you are doing him a favor (and girlfriend too…maybe even doing their relationship a favor!).</p>
<p>He (and his girlfriend’s parents) will probably thank you if you put limits on his phone time. Once he can’t spend all night talking to her, he will probably be secretly relieved and rested.</p>
<p>I don’t have any problems with turning off the phone at a certain time. It’s his job to get good grades. If he was working and not being productive, his employer would talk to him about it and so should you.</p>
<p>Back in the dark ages when the only two phones in the house were the one in the kitchen with a long cord that stretched down the hallway, and the off-limits one in my parents’ bedroom, my parents had a pretty strict rule about no phone calls after 9:30 pm. </p>
<p>Just because technology puts a phone in most teenagers’ pockets doesn’t mean that parents shouldn’t impose limits on their kids usage, whether it be total time used or time of day. You are the parent. I don’t see it being a lot different than a curfew.</p>
<p>^ Wow, you had two phones? You must have been one of those rich kids on the other side of the hill, lol. </p>
<p>We just had the one phone on the kitchen wall, with a twisty cord. For a private conversation, we had to pull the cord around the corner and sit on the edge of the tub and close the bathroom door on the cord (in the only bathroom we had…for six people!).</p>
<p>I had a similar problem with my daughter. While in her junior year she started dating a college boy. He was a great kid, but he also never had restrictions placed upon him when he was in HS. He was never told to “get some sleep” or “put your phone away”. He made all his own decisions. He made her feel like a “baby” she said. I found she was texting until 2am and sitting at the computer (not in her room) until bedtime emailing, IMing, skyping and facebook messaging instead of doing homework. We had the ‘keep up your grades’ discussion. I did what many here are telling you to do and I agree with them. I gave her rules about the late night contact and followed through with consequences whenever she broke those rules (this is very important). </p>
<p>But what I felt was most effective was I gave HIM rules too. I made it perfectly clear to him (the next time I saw him in person) what my expectations were regarding my daughter’s use of her cell phone late at night. Worked like a charm! Even now, although she’s moved on to a different boyfriend (also a college boy), she still follows the rules. How do I know? I check MY phone bill!! :)</p>
<p>To all CC parents who responded to my plea! Thank you so much for your advice, i will place limits and tell him that i will be checking the cell bill and talk abt consequences… and stick w/ them too. Your ideas are practical and they give me the li’l confidence i needed to do what is right. Thank god for this support group!..parenting is the hardest job and yet it is one where we only get to learn with hands on experience with no practice. It’s like being on a battle field with guns and rifles with no training whatsoever, where either both sides win or both sides lose!.. thanks for helping me survive this battle and hopefully we and our S will win it. sorry for getting too philosophical. will keep you posted</p>
<p>Man, teenagers can be annoying.</p>