how do I get my parents to let me go out of state?

College Search & Selection
1

I’m going to be a junior in high school next year, and since I started as a freshman, I’ve been ardent on searching for colleges and thinking about majors. I live in southeastern GA, and am originally from northern CA (near SFO). This past year, I realized that at the moment, many of my top-choice schools are out of state. My absolute dream school is Stanford, however I understand the academic vigor of the school and its selectivity, and know that I’ll be applying to many safety schools, as well as other schools out of state that I am interested in. My unweighted GPA is a 4.0, I’ve lettered in multiple varsity sports since my freshman year. I’m bilingual, and my course load is heavy in honors and AP classes. I’m also in my school’s vet science and agriculture program, have fundraised for FFA, done community service, etc. and this coming year I’m looking to do even more with my passions in my extracurriculars. I’m Latina, and a first-generation American, so naturally, my mom is really strict as it is, even though I consider myself to be very responsible, level-headed, and considerate to her wishes. I’m becoming more independent, little by little, which I enjoy, since I don’t have as much freedom as the typical American high school student. Recently, I worked two jobs to purchase a laptop for school, and did so whilst maintaining my grades, and balancing track practice and AP Exam prep, but I digress…

My parents know that Stanford is my dream school. While I understand it isn’t extremely likely that I’m accepted in the first place, I still would like for them to be open to it being an option, in the event that I am accepted. While private institutions don’t have different in-state and out-of-state tuitions, I’m not sure they understand that, and Stanford is expensive. However, I calculated it on their website, and I’d be able to receive substantial financial aid, making it less expensive to attend Stanford than my top choice GA school by at least $2000 (the GA school tuition including financial aid for that school). I qualify for the HOPE scholarship in my state, and I understand its a unique opportunity to lessen the cost of college. She’s made it very clear to me that the “bottom line” is that I attend an in-state school, and I truly do understand where she’s coming from. However, if I do end up making it into my dream school, I feel that I’d regret it forever if I chose an in-state school over it. It actually would be less expensive, and I know she worries about my safety, but I lived in the area half my life and know my way around there, and have common sense.

Help!

2

At this time, keep all options open. Do everything you can to keep your grades up and get the best scores you can to be eligible for Stanford and other elite schools. When the time comes, apply to Stanford, but apply to GaTech and UGA and others too.

It will probably work itself out as you’ll either get into those elite schools with lots of financial aid, or you won’t. If you don’t, you’ll be happy to have the Georgia options.

3

@twoinanddone ill definitely keep that in mind! luckily, UGA and GA Tech are also great schools. I hope it’d be easy for me to get in, so they’re semi-safety schools, but ill apply for Savannah State and Valdosta State, too.

4

You could think about a longer-term plan where you do your undergrad in GA but plan to go to CA for grad school.

5

What is their objection to going out of state if the out of state school is less expensive?

6

@ucbalumnus I don’t know if they know that, but i’ll try to explain it to them when the time comes to apply.

7

What are you hoping to study?
Are you recruitable for your sport(s), if not at Division 1 level, then possibly D3?
Are you interested in other West Coast schools besides Stanford?

8

@aquapt I’m hoping to study environmental science or political science, or possibly double-major. I don’t believe I’m recruitable for my sports (cross country and track), but if I work really hard this year I could possibly make D3. Yes, I’m interested in many other west-coast schools, in and out of California. Stanford is just my top choice,

9

Well, it’s a little early to strategize, but sometimes parents can soften when a coach takes and interest in their child. It can help to put a human face on the school. I realize this isn’t really going to happen at Stanford (you would probably know by now if it could - they often start recruiting top athletic prospects sophomore year or even earlier!), but there are some D3 schools on the west coast with great environmental studies/science, poli sci, and public policy programs.

It’s early days yet, though. And you do have some great in-state programs in Georgia too.
This looks like a great way to combine environmental and political science:
https://spp.gatech.edu/undergraduate/why-bspp
Maybe if you study in GA, you could look for ways to do your internship(s) in California.

10

Apply and see where you get in. If you get into someplace like Stanford, they will likely pay for you to visit. Try to take your mom along so she can see it (although they probably won’t pay for her visit). But it could help change her mind.

Hopefully by a year and a half from now your mom will see you as more grown up and capable. Maybe you guidance counselor could help talk to her if you get into someplace like that.

You should ditch the “dream school” idea, though. It isn’t very helpful in the college search process.

11

If one of the issues is you being far away, you might check out Emory. It is in state, but private and a fantastic school.

12

CA publics cost ~$50k or more/year for OOS students. How much would GA public colleges cost after you apply the HOPE grant?

13

Who will be paying your bills? Will your parents be contributing to the cost of your education, or will their only involvement be providing information for the FAFSA? Because you will need their information, they do maintain some control, but if they are not paying for your education, I would remind them of that - this is your investment in your future. You might ask your guidance counselor to encourage them to consider out of state schools. You need to sit down with them, and discuss what’s behind their insistence on an in-state school. Make your case for Stanford and other schools, but also listen to their reasoning. Perhaps they have valid concerns that you don’t realize. It might not really be about you, but about their needs, and you should consider what they have to say.

If their concern is all about money, have them run the net price calculators with you, so they can see what other schools offer. Show them what scholarships are available, even if they’re not guaranteed - in some cases, leaving the state could be significantly less expensive than your local options.

14

as someone just starting 11th grade you have lots of time. You are in a big negotiation here, as you realize, yet you have announced the outcome you expect and are implicitly demanding they concede; eg: “I pick my college, you get on board with the program.” This is not a great approach as you have noticed.

Before you talk about college any more and cause them to dig in their heels even further, read thru the book “Getting More”. It isn’t a book of tricks to bamboozle somebody but lays out a reasonable way to negotiate. As Chapter 2 says, “It’s About Them.” What I think you’ll want to come away from the book is that you need to make the college choice a joint decision. Rather than assuming you already have it all figured out, turn this into a shared process where you both learn the process and explore colleges.

Get a book or two on college admissions that talks about the whole process – finding colleges that are a match, how to best present yourself when applying, what to look for on a college visit, how to pay for college. One such book I recommend is “Admission Matters.” Both you and your parents read it and then work together to follow the steps. You may not be an expert in all these areas yet, and I think your parents would appreciate advice too. It’s hard to imagine parents refusing to learn more about college admissions.

Maybe it turns out Stanford is the best match for you, but its funny how dream schools are always some place like Harvard or Stanford instead of NoName U. In other words be open to taking a fresh look at colleges rather than perhaps subconciously going with a school that impresses you and your friends. It could turn out Stanford is a great fit and preferable to State. At this point, having worked thru it with your parents, you both agree it is right for you if you get in, and they understand how they can pay for it.

The joint approach to me seems more likely to bear fruit than the path you’re on now. Just a thought…

15

In general, if your GC can convince them that a high stats 1st gen Latina has the opportunity to some great financial aid at a very top school, that is good. Ditch discussion of California and Stanford for now. You can move to CA after graduation if that is too far for your mom. If you are a good candidate for Stanford, then you likely are for other top schools a little closer to home (East Coast) as well. Consider Cornell, Duke, Wash U, and other schools that meet need. LACs as well. It is somewhat childish to fixate on one school or one part of the country. You have some currency as a URM with high stats. Leverage that into acceptances that your parents can also live with.

Although you don’t have test scores yet, and many a 4.0 student has been derailed in their admissions process without those.

16

The OP has done the exact opposite of this. She’s said that she understands it’s not likely that she gets into Stanford, but that she’d like her parents to be open to her attending Stanford or another OOS school as an option should she get in. It’s her mom that appears to have taken a hard line, by saying ‘the bottom line’ is that she has to attend a Georgia college or university.

17

So my nephew also lives in GA, and not only got the HOPE, but additional money from UGA, which covered Room and Board, Computer and additional costs. It was all merit based. You sound equally bright and I would guess could earn the same, making UGA the least expensive option of all. Would that make it worth attending in your mind?

18

Unless you are on 100% full aid you will also have travel expenses. Further room and board will be far less in Georgia.

19

Lots of people don’t comprehend how an excellent private college with a sticker price of $70,000 can actually be more affordable to some people than the 2nd-rate public school down the street that has a sticker price of $20,000. It just doesn’t make sense in a world where “there is no free lunch,” & “you get what you pay for.”

I wouldn’t wait to get a reputable adult to sit down with your parents and explain the confusing realities of financial aid.

I’d also forget about Stanford. You have enough great options in nearby states that your parents will probably be much more likely to agree to.

20

I think part of the problem is that even though you’re originally from CA and want to return to the west coast for college, OOS colleges are extremely expensive and most don’t give the kind of aid Stanford does. Are you low income? Getting accepted to a private college that offers free tuition for your stats won’t be helpful if your parents can’t pay the remaining costs.

Find out how much your parents are willing/able to spend, then run NPCs for colleges you have a decent chance of being accepted to until you have a list of affordable schools. Your parents may be more willing to consider OOS colleges if you can show them a range of reasonable options.