<p>Hello all,</p>
<p>I'm a soon to be senior looking to possibly go out of state for college, but am having trouble getting my parents to even consider it! </p>
<p>Is there any way that I can effectively talk to them about this issue before we all lose our minds? It seems like they are dead set against it, just because I wouldn't be "under their wings" so to speak, anymore. </p>
<p>I've tried to explain my feelings about it, but it seems as though they do not want to listen to my reasoning at all. I do understand where they are coming from, and have listened to their rationale. I was just wondering if any other parents out in CC land have had the same issues before as well... </p>
<p>Thanks!</p>
<p>Maybe you can get them to discuss distance. In other words, to see that (depending where your home is located) that 3-4 hours a way in-state or out of state is still 3-4 hours away.</p>
<p>Can you give more info? Are you wanting to visit schools in an adjoining state or travel across the country?</p>
<p>You could also (if $$ is a factor) take the time to put down on paper the costs of attending in-state or out of state - sometimes, it’s not a big difference.</p>
<p>Is it money or distance that is the issue with OOS schools in terms of your parents’ objections?</p>
<p>For us, living near Cleveland Ohio, Pittsburgh PA colleges (Pitt, Carnegie Mellon, Duquesne) are closer than Miami University or OU or Dayton or Cincinnati, so if I wanted my kids to be somewhere close, I would like the Pittsburgh schools. </p>
<p>Bemidji State, near my home town in Northern Minnesota, has a lower sticker price even for an out of state student, than in state prices at Ohio State or the other state schools here, so if I wanted my kids at an inexpensive school, I would choose Bemidji, even though it is far away. (Seriously: if a kid enjoys the outdoors - especially lakes and winter sports - and wants to major in, say, American Indian Studies, Bemidji State is a great option.) </p>
<p>Is it that they want you close to home? or that they think your in state public(s) are so good and so reasonably priced you shouldn’t even consider other schools? or what?</p>
<p>I agree with others. You need to have a talk about college finances with your parents too. If you go OOS, you will either be paying OOS public college costs or private school costs. Sometimes this can be significantly more than your instate public universities. You need to know how much your parents WILL contribute towards your college costs.</p>
<p>Also…why do you want to go OOS? If it’s just to “get away”…the reality is that it doesn’t matter whether you are 10 miles away or 3000 miles away, you CAN make your life revolve around your college and not activities or parents from home. </p>
<p>Both of my kids went to school OOS, and both to private schools. BUT both were able to articulate well their reasons for their school choices, and they related more to what the schools had to offer them educationally than just wanting to be in a different place (although for both that was ONE of the reasons they gave). In addition, financially this was not a burden to our family.</p>
<p>A piece of advice. When discussing college options with parents, don’t say “I want to go out of state.” Not a good way to start a discussion.</p>
<p>Say “I want to look at abc university. They are an easy bus ride/train ride/direct flight on Southwest from home, and it looks like my cost of attendance would be the same or less than going to xyz college where so many of my high school friends are heading. They have an highly rated program in abcdefg studies, which you know I am leaning toward majoring in.” If you think it would help, you could add “I would also benefit from broadening my horizons and meeting people from a wide variety of backgrounds there.”</p>
<p>A close friend of mine was told that she could only go to a college within a number of surrounding states (including their own state). She ended up at a school in western PA that waaay farther than many school outside of those states that were permitted. In such a situation, it would not have made sense to have excluded a number of schools that were closer but not in adjoining states.</p>
<p>midwestmom offers great advice so I’ll just chime in with a few suggestions</p>
<ul>
<li>be calm and concrete.</li>
<li>offer SPECIFIC reasons why you want school ‘x’ and what it offers that you can’t get closer to home.</li>
<li>“nicer weather” “closer to the beach” “great football team” “girls-gone-wild scene” and the like do not count as specific reasons.<br></li>
<li>do your research: look at tuition, cost of living and transportation to/from home, and how you can ease the financial burden (work summers, etc.)</li>
</ul>
<p>This may be your first opportunity to have an adult discussion with your parents. To make it a success, act like the adult you want them to know you are.</p>
<p>Don’t know if this might apply to OP, but some nationalities and cultures do not like to see their 18 year olds move far from home. It’s not about $$$, travel time, quality of education, special programs, whatever. Don’t know if that might be the issue for OP, but in such cases, the discussion is not about why or why not OOS, but will parents steeped in a different culture be swayed by their teen to change their fundamental beliefs in safe parenting. In many cases, the parents’ own families and friends may be shocked if they gave in to their student in this matter.</p>
<p>With such a scenario, it’s difficult. And as long as the student is depending on the parents to pay for college, they may have limited say in where they can apply.</p>
<p>My son is going through the same thing as you. He does not want to go to school in state and his reasoning is that he does not want to be with kids like the ones in his high school. He wants to get away in a different part of the country in a big city with lots of diversity. The problem with this from our perspective is that tuition is 3 times more out of state - approaching the cost of a private university. Even if the money were there, is it really worth it to spend that much more for the same quality? In our case, we cannot afford to send him out of state, so we have told him he can go where ever he wants if he makes up the cost difference - either though scholarships or student loans. I understand his view of wanting to go elsewhere - I wish we could do it. But it does not make sense especially considering that our state, North Carolina, has the one of the better state universities in the country. Also, students should remember that many parents have other kids to send through college and also have to worry about their retirement funds - scary thought.</p>
<p>Some good advice here. I can’t offer much since, at our house, the situation was reversed. Initially, our S was really not interested in looking at schools outside of CA. As he said, “I’m from here, like the weather and the culture and there are so many different kinds of schools to choose from in CA.” We couldn’t really argue with that, so we didn’t. We let time take it’s course (in retrospect, I probably approached him too early on the subject and it didn’t help when H backed him up on it) and, after watching what happened with some of his senior friends, he started to broaden his horizons.</p>
<p>Web2094 - I agree that it makes no sense to go out of state if the out of state school is 3x the price and also not as good! </p>
<p>Your son’s concern is a valid one. But most state universities are large and few high school kids end up spending a lot of time together unless they plan it that way. Perhaps you can have your son talk to some alums about that. In Colorado, where I live, many kids go to Boulder, yet most say that it’s very easy to avoid former high school classmates and to form new friendships. Fact is, even if you’re going to school a few of miles from home, college life is a whole new world.</p>
<p>taypi31…
our oldest d ended up out of state. she wanted her college experience to be significantly different from her high school experience and effectively communicated that to us. visits to schools helped her see the differences. our state flagship, socially, seemed more like an extension of high school. an in-state private gave the same feeling, more like a high school experience. </p>
<p>visit schools with your parents and let them see the differences. review the quick facts and common data sets with your parents. look at the average ACT/SAT for each particular school. the ACT/SAT’s are a real eye opener.</p>
<p>we were never at all against her going out of state. we just wanted her to have good reasons for doing it. most compelling was when i understood how important it was to her to have a different college experience than from her high school experience. she went to a local public h.s. and is now at a top ranked private college.</p>
<p>I wanted to leave my home town area for college- desperately wanted out of the house and away from home. I ended up living on campus in town because it was by far the best school and finances mattered. Ended up loving my school and rarely saw HS classmates or went home. If going to school close to home becomes a reality it can still be a great experience if the school is a good fit. Be sure to live on campus, not at home, especially your first semester. Pay attention to the points raised by other posters. Money is a very real issue as well.</p>
<p>If finances are the main issue, you might look into specific schools’ merit scholarships. Many times a sizable scholarship can lower the cost of attending to equal or less than what you would pay for your state school. </p>
<p>A good rule of thumb is if your grades and SAT scores are above the college’s 75th percentile, you have a chance at earning a merit scholarship from a school if it offers them. Some colleges also offer various diversity and talent scholarships, so also look into that if you think you could qualify.</p>
<p>Also, if your family is considered to have financial need, look into schools with generous need-based. Some of the top liberal arts colleges (e.g. Amherst, Williams, Middlebury) have almost of completely need-blind admissions and guarantee to meet a family’s full demonstrated need. In addition many other schools reserve a large portion of their financial aid budgets for need-based aid. Often running some of the financial aid calculators online and poking around individual colleges’ websites will give you a good idea of how much aid you can expect to receive.</p>
<p>On a more personal note, my parents also initially discouraged me from applying out-of-state, asking me “What more could you want than Big Local U?” I did end up getting their blessing to go to school in a nearby state, but only after gently planting the idea in their heads and constantly reiterating the reasons why my current school was a much better fit for me than Local U. If you have just recently brought up going away for college to your parents, it is understandable that they might not be the most amenable to the idea.</p>
<p>Give them some time and see what happens; they may warm up to the idea eventually, especially if the money does come through.</p>
<p>Of course, you need to better understand your parent’s objections to going out of state. Indeed, it may be finances…in which case, it would help for you to understand their perspective. If you feel strongly about getting out, perhaps you could work out a deal where you pick up the cost difference, either through loans or working. Be careful about what you take on though…big loans after graduation are a burden. </p>
<p>Honestly, we do see a few kids in our community who put their foot down and say they HAVE to go out of state. I hear the excuses about extending high school, and 13th grade. Some of these folks won’t even look at some at our public and private options - some of which are excellent. Personally, I think having a more open mind would help. It’s not automatically BETTER to go out of state. A friend of my brags about how her d has friends from all over the country. Well, that’s nice…but is it really such a huge factor? Is it worth huge amounts of money? My s goes in state, and has friends in quite a few states. And yes, many from our own state. When he comes home, he has many new friends within driving distance. He plans to stay local when he graduates and I think it’s great that he is extending his local network. Although many of his high school classmates went to his school, he has exactly ONE friend from that group. It’s really not that bad…in fact, I see many positives. </p>
<p>IMO, it would be great to open up your options. Help your parents to understand your need to look further afield…but also consider the option of staying in state. Keep an open mind. Good luck!</p>
<p>
Since you have not shared their rationale with us it is hard for us to help you with a strategy. The strategy would vary depending on their concerns. If it is money related then there are OOS schools that will give in state tuition if you do really well on tests and grades. Are you in a position to do well? Will you commit to the effort required? If it is cultural, you may need to locate a sympathetic respected elder to help you. You have gotten lots of good advice on approaches to take.</p>
<p>They are probably concerned that if you are OOS they will not be able to get to easily so your job is to convince them that your are responsible enough to go OOS. I suggest you adopt a multi prong approach.</p>
<p>1) Do your research and present it. Include financials in your analysis as well as ways to keep in touch across the distance. Create document that they can look at don’t just say “I looked at it on line and it said…” BTW having a car and driving back and forth to a close to home school is almost always more expensive than having no car and making the occasional flights home</p>
<p>2) In your OP you talk about your “feelings.” Avoid that. Talk about program quality. merit aid history etc.</p>
<p>3) Ask for permission to apply to a few OOS schools and tell them when decision time comes you would like to be able to discuss it again and in the next 8 mos:</p>
<p>3) Behave maturely. Follow their rules, help out around the house w/o being asked to start working on your applications. In other words convince them that you are not going to go OOS and become some uncontrollable fool and that you are capable of taking care of business.</p>
<p>DW and I insisted that our students attend school OOS. So perhaps our reasoning may be help to you. First, as many prior posters have indicated, it’s CRITICAL that your parent can afford you college. Second, again as many posters have said, it’s CRITICAL that you’ve shown you are accomplished at “taking care of business.” Sending students to college is a major financial commitment for parents, and they have the right to expect SUCCESS.</p>
<p>If you can get past “first” and “second” the argument for attending an OOS school gets much stronger. You can generally find superior programs OOS. You will have the opportunity to spend time with people and places different from your home area when you attend school OOS. Issues associated with distance will help you mature. And very importantly you will gain confidence in your own independence, so when future OOS opportunities come your way, you will be favorably inclined to consider them.</p>
<p>Good luck!</p>
<p>“You can generally find superior programs OOS. You will have the opportunity to spend time with people and places different from your home area when you attend school OOS.”
This may be the case for some…but I certainly don’t think this is always true. If it’s a lot cheaper to go in-state, it might be more likely that you can study abroad for a semester or two…or even the summer. I guess I don’t believe in insisting one way or another. Keep your options open and then pick the best when considering ALL the factors.<br>
BTW, I went in state and ended up living OOS. There are no hard and fast rules here.</p>