How High is the Heat in Your Local College-Admissions Pressure Cooker?

<p>When I read this Huff Post piece last month (see <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/ann-lewis-hamilton/college-application-process_b_6116252.html?utm_hp_ref=parents&ir=Parents"&gt;http://www.huffingtonpost.com/ann-lewis-hamilton/college-application-process_b_6116252.html?utm_hp_ref=parents&ir=Parents&lt;/a&gt;), I was struck by how different my own senior son’s college application experience has been from the situation that the article describes. My son says that he and his classmates hardly talk about admissions at all, and he certainly doesn’t seem to know much about where even his closest friends are applying. </p>

<p>The kids in his school also seem very supportive of one another. When the occasional student announces a college acceptance on Facebook ... often from a place that takes almost everyone ... classmates quickly chime in with congrats and good wishes.</p>

<p>So, when it comes to the college-admissions pressure cooker, I’d say that the heat setting in my son’s high school is only a 1 on a 1-to-10 scale. I should also point out that my son has a very bright class, and when all the verdicts are in, I suspect that there will be plenty of “elite” institutions represented. I also suspect that there are some households where the temperature is turned up a lot higher than it is overall, but these are the exception, not the rule. And when it comes to the community as a whole, I see a lot more supportiveness than snarkiness.</p>

<p>How about your own schools and communities? How high is the heat in the admissions pressure cooker? </p>

<p>Not as high as I thought it would be in our high-ranking school district. Of course, there may be plenty of families suffering privately as they wait for early decisions. My D is generally aware of where her friends applied, but she says they don’t talk about it constantly (unlike their parents!). </p>

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<p>I do wonder if boys in general are frequently less involved with their friends’ plans than girls are, or if my own son is atypical in insisting that he rarely talks college with his friends and classmates.</p>

<p>I suspect there is some heat in some circles of D’s school, but not among her friends. They are generally very low key about this. She knows where her best friends are applying and she is rooting for them, but they are not among the elite schools. I doubt many of her friends know where she is applying, except for her “dream school.” </p>

<p>It has been very low key at my daughter’s school, until the past week or so. With EA/ED decisions coming at a bunch of schools, the kids seem to have gotten a lot more revved up. Previously, she wasn’t really sure where anyone else (even her BF!) was applying b/c they are all keeping it so close to the vest. But last week brought a big flurry of discussion about “maybe I should apply to another safety school” and a lot of drama imagining being shut out. </p>

<p>Sally, while I have daughters, the experience was similar to the one you describe at your son’s school. They really didn’t chat much about college admissions with peers and didn’t know where others were applying. I think the topic came up more in April and May of senior year when people discussed where they were heading to for college. My kids were not in a pressure cooker at their high school when it came to the topic of college admissions. I am grateful for that because I sense it is very different in some schools and communities and not in a truly positive way. </p>

<p>Yes, it is very competitive to get into many of the selective colleges these days which adds a lot of angst to the process on a personal level. But I believe if someone has a well balanced list appropriate for their qualifications and selection criteria, they should end up some place that fits them nicely. While there is no guarantee to get into a particular highly selective school, it is uncommon for someone with the right list for them to be totally shut out. </p>

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<p>I’ve found over the years that “close to the vest” in some communities translates into, “We don’t want to tip our hand and let the ‘competitors’ know what we’re up to” and in others … like my own … “close to the vest” means more like, “We want our kids to focus on being high school seniors and not make all of 12th grade about college and the future.” So the end result is the same … not a lot of college chatter … but for different reasons.</p>

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<p>@soozievt–I think your screen name may say it all. Is there a more laid-back state than Vermont? ;-)</p>

<p>Here at S’s school in Minnesota, it has been extremely low-key. That fits with the school philosophy that they don’t do class ranks, and want to focus on the education rather than the grades. Found out one of his classmates was admitted to Princeton, and only found that out when it was mentioned by one or her friend’s parents.</p>

<p>Greatly prefer this environment.</p>

<p>I have asked my son repeatedly about where his friends are applying. He has NO idea. Recently I asked him what they do talk about. He said, “well, today we were talking about what we had for breakfast.” :open_mouth: </p>

<p>If I get any of them in the car, I usually do ask, and most do have processes started. Even at this late stage, some are still thinking about it. </p>

<p>So they are definitely NOT in a pressure cooker by any means, and most of DS’s friends are in the AP/honors classes. Also, I know most of the parents, and I believe costs are a huge deterrent. Most will probably end up at the local PS branch, 10 min drive, which I would NOT recommend, or a state school if they manage the room & board. </p>

<p>The parent who wrote the article needs to turn down her own admissions pressure cooker temp.</p>

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<p>My first thought was that she needs to move!!!</p>

<p>At my daughter’s school everyone talked in a friendly way about college plans and test scores through 10th grade, then after that when it really mattered, nothing – no one wants to talk about it, starting with 11th grade PSAT and continuing through senior year. I’ve asked her most competitive classmate (the valedictorian) on multiple occasions where she is applying, and she would only say the local public university up the street, but I found out on Facebook (through her membership in Class of 2019 applicant groups) that she’s applied to all the Ivies and Stanford, etc. So it seems that everyone at my daughter’s public magnet school wants to keep things private, for fear of being judged, or for fear of generating competition. </p>

<p>My own daughter is reluctant to share as well for the judgment. She’s only shared her college plans with a handful of classmates, but it has always been a negative experience. For example, one classmate emailed her and asked where she was applying. She’s a well-known top student at her school, yet for financial reasons and personal preference she’s been applying to public flagship and land grant universities across the country that have big scholarships. However, her classmates and principal and teachers expect big things from her. When she told her classmate a partial list of universities she applied to, he immediately started in with all the Whys. Why there? And why there? What made you think of applying there? Why not here (insert private expensive college)? Financial aid is not an option for her even at Ivies, because her dad (my ex) has loads of assets but refuses to pay for college, and all of the universities that meet full need check both parents’ income and assets. </p>

<p>My daughter has basically already decided on one of the public universities because it has offered her a stack of scholarships and has everything she is looking for in a college. The university is up north, as are all the places she applied since she wants to experience snow for a change. Yet almost everyone reacts negatively when she says where she wants to go, both because it’s a public university and it’s cold there. If it were Harvard (which is also in a cold place), there wouldn’t be any mention of the cold. Yet whenever she proudly tells someone about this university, the response is about the cold, and why is she wanting to go there? That’s only because it’s public and not “popular,” and people are judging her as a top student for choosing that over a prestigious private university. It makes her doubt her choices. </p>

<p>To conclude, I would say that Yes, the heat level is high at my daughter’s school (at least among the high achievers), but the discussions about college applications and decisions are very limited, because everyone is judging everyone else, and/or afraid to be judged and staying silent. I would therefore rate it a 5 heat level. Some of the lower-ranked students have shared with her where they are applying, but she has no idea where the top-ranked students are applying that are in all of her classes, except what she can discover in roundabout ways like through membership in applicant groups on Facebook.</p>

<p>I was surprised last year by how unconcerned the classmates of my kids were about college. I had two seniors who ran in entirely different circles, but none of their friends seemed to be concerned in any way. A few applied by the mid-October early date for the big flagships, but very few others were even looking at schools or thinking about applications until Jan or Feb. Actually, a lot of the kids applied only to one school and that’s where they went. My kids only applied to one school each, and that was enough.</p>

<p>There was absolutely no competition or fighting about ‘X taking MY spot at Harvard’ or trying to get into a better school than Y. I’m pretty sure the top rank kids all went to UF. There was one girl who went to Navy, another to MIT. There were assorted sports scholarships and a number of military scholarships which dictated where the student went. I really think the stress was whether they would be accepted to UF or FSU or UCF, not Harvard, Yale or Mt. Holyoke.</p>

<p>Last year my D couldn’t even tell me where her friends were applying. Eventually, one went to Johns Hopkins, three to small private LACs in-state, one to the local community college, and the rest went to the flagship U. They were supportive of each other and it wasn’t a pressure cooker, competitive situation. The girls put pressure on themselves but not on each other. </p>

<p>Last year my D couldn’t even tell me where her friends were applying. Eventually, one went to Johns Hopkins, three to small private LACs in-state, one to the local community college, and the rest went to the flagship U. They were supportive of each other and it wasn’t a pressure cooker, competitive situation. The girls put pressure on themselves but not on each other. </p>

<p>My son does not seem to be experiencing stress - he seems relaxed, perhaps overconfident! I am not exactly sure why, but in general, I am much more anxious than he is and I guess I’ve successfully hidden that from him. He and his friends mainly talk about anime or fan fiction, or stuff like that. I’ve heard nothing to indicate they think that they are competing against each other. Maybe I should give the high school administration credit for this. </p>

<p>Like @laralei at my son’s school money is really the bigger issue for many of the students, so they will mostly be seeking spots in honor’s programs in CUNY or SUNY schools. </p>

<p>My D doesn’t travel in an academically competitive circle, so we haven’t experienced any peer- (or parent-) related stress. The few kids she knows who are recruited athletes are starting to announce their decisions, including one who will be playing his sport at Harvard (obviously he is also very bright). I am very aware when I run into her friends that many of them are tired of the topic of college so I tend not to bring it up. A few months from now, it’ll be a different story. It’s exciting to imagine where they will all be a year from now.</p>

<p>Me to senior D: “Where are your friends applying?”
Daughter: “I have no idea”
Me: “Don’t you kids talk about this stuff at lunch?”
Daughter: “No we don’t”
Me: “Why?”
Daughter: “College applications are off limits. We don’t need any more stress. We’ll all find out sooner or later.”</p>

<p>I think a lot of this had to do with the fact that, especially among high achievers, there are expectations and kids don’t want to been seen as failures if they don’t get in to that really selective school. At my D’s school in suburban Chicago, a handful apply to Ivies, but many more apply to Northwestern and UChicago which are very difficult to get admitted to, especially being from Illinois. Some will get in, most won’t, and so right or wrong, they really do keep things close to the vest. I just go with the flow…</p>

<p>I think when you’ve got a bunch of kids who are bright and full pay, but not so rich that their parents can drop a quarter of a million on each of them to attend their dream school, the college pressure cooker looks quite a bit different. These kids know no shortage of super high stats kids who aren’t even considering elite schools. Sure, the top students in the class might go to Duke or Vandy, but they might also end up at Pitt or Schreyer or Drexel so they do not have that prestige hungry Harvard or bust mentality. The pressure on these kids is to find a college they like enough that, after merit, their parents are willing and able to pay for.</p>

<p>My D runs with the high stats geek crowd. They don’t talk about college much at all. They know each other’s first choices and probably a few others lower down on their lists but that’s about it. I don’t think the lack of discussion indicates lack of stress - I think it’s the opposite. These kids love each other and they’ll miss each other when they all go their separate ways next year. They know this is a huge decision and they don’t want to screw it up. Except for one of her friends, whose Dad works for Penn and wants free tuition, none of these kids have a drop dead school they absolutely must get into. Even the kid who “must” get into Penn prefers Drexel, and will be commuting to Drexel if she doesn’t get into Penn. While it is stressful to think about next year, I think they all know life will go on no matter where they go.</p>

<p>D is sometimes finding out where her friends applied when they get acceptance letters or maybe if they take off for an interview. She was recently surprised by how many had applied to Fordham when they all received acceptance letters on the same day. </p>

<p>I can say that not-so-high-stats to somewhat high stat kids also don’t talk much about college applications. I think kids at all levels just have other things on their mind (and they don’t need the added stress) - the latest movie, who’s dating whom, who’s being a jerk, who’s cute, the math homework, the history midterm. </p>

<p>They get enough stress from parents, other relatives and (maybe) parents of friends. ;)</p>