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<p>Because it is just your opinion, you really should change all those “we’s” to “I’s” unless there is a mouse in your pocket.</p>
<p>I understand some boundary about what you expect from your kdis if you pay tuition. But with what sounds like micro-managing to me, how on earth can a parent tell, from afar, if one’s student is working hard or being diligent? How can one possibly know what grade they should be getting in say second year electrical engineering at Caltech or linguistics in State U where its all curved? And now you earth would you know ‘their potential’? Relative to what and whom? Based on what? Your pride and bias in your child, not knowing the competition, the grading standards, the requirements. </p>
<p>I mean that quite genuinely. And where does it stop? If they go to grad school will you expect a certain GPA? How about their performance appraisal on the job? I mean after all, its your hard work and money that covered their undergrad so that they could enjoy that grad school or job opportunity!</p>
<p>It sounds as if you just don’t trust your offspring. In your mind, they are still children that need parenting. If you stop controlling, they will fall down and fail. I just wonder to myself when you think this will no longer be necessary.</p>
<p>The question is not ‘can you’ (yes, yes you can control them if you use tuition as the control mechanism). The question is should you.</p>
<p>For me, trust came over time. In high school, I always made D1 call or text when she got to her destination. Once she was in college, after few weeks knowing she was able to get from A to B safely, I stopped worrying about it. Same with her her performance in college. When she was a freshman, my heart was in my throat whenever she had a major exam. I would think about it all day until she called to let me know how she did. But once I knew she was on track, she actually accused me of not paying attention to her when she was telling me about her tests. I worried about her performance at her new job, but when I started hearing about how well she was doing (with some insider information), I sometimes even forgot to ask. </p>
<p>I will always worry about our girls. It is not about controlling, it is more about to make sure they are doing well and happy. My parents still worry about me, no matter how old I am.</p>
<p>^ I totally get the worry part. But feelings are feelings, you are entitled to them. Its okay to have worry/anxiety/feelings…its what we do with them as parents. Asking or looking mght make us feel better. Some general advice, makes us feel better. (sort of like how i will say “watch the road” like AS IF that is going to help!). But no harm done. When the anxiety becomes controlling, to me that’s a different matter and you aren’t doing that. </p>
<p>I think sometimes parents confuse the two — parents doing things to make themselves feel better, at the expense of their kids’ wellbeing or even future performance (I don’t see you doing that…I mean just to illustrate the issue). I wonder if kids constantly being watched and told what to do (again you don’t do this Oldfort) grow up thinking they must have something wrong with them because they can’t be trusted to make their own decisions. And how do they learn to make wise decisions the rest of their life, without some trial and error?</p>
<p>As many of you know, college/university orientation programs are having to ‘kick’ the parents out now so they don’t stick around and hover over everything.</p>
<p>Evidently, some recruiters that come to campus are now having to tell new student hires that they should not have their parents come with them to orientation at their new place of employment. Also, employee evaluation specifics should not be shared with parents because parents are calling these companies to complain about the evaluation.</p>
<p>Each child is different so they they need a different approach. We as parents know that. Much that I would like to agree that once they are in college they need to be left alone, there is whole lot of other things we need to consider.</p>
<p>For the first time in their lives these kids have no curfew, what so ever.</p>
<p>Suddenly they have this social group of maybe 30-50 of them who bump into each other all the time by virtue of being in the same dorm, class, dining hall which is very different from the social life at High School.</p>
<p>As freshman, most of them are adjusting to change in lifestyle which includes moving away from home and from taken for granted caretakers, living independently, taking care of your laundry, room, toiletteries, cleaning one’s room, going out for meals, taking care of your finances and then study and maintain grades on top of that. By the way girls have a different set of issues to deal with.</p>
<p>Right now have not touched ‘how college is different from school’ part at all, in terms of academics, teaching style, writing style, teachers, studying patterns, test taking etc. </p>
<p>So what follows is the difficult balance of time management and self dicipline.</p>
<p>Do I want her to be independent? Absolutely, that is why she is in college in a country thousands of miles away from home.</p>
<p>Do I want her in-charge? Sure that is why don’t give her a wake up call, although am tempted to, many a times. This is for a girl who never got up on her own at home with two alarm clocks on snooze.</p>
<p>Do I think she is mature enough? Sure she manages the subway and cabs in NYC. In fact she made her solo trip from Stamford,CT to Greenwich Village on her own in the first week of being in college.</p>
<p>Now comes the home work and grades part. She does not want me there at all. But I know that i need to be there, because she is 18 and like most of the 18 year olds, if one has to choose between fun times and hard work, she will choose fun and try to manage work “through the path of least resistance”. This path unfortunately will not yield the results that she is/should be aiming for. And that is where I believe I need to continue to play my role as parent for a while longer.</p>
<p>I don’t hover 24/7 but I do need to check and pull her up once in a while, guide her and keep reminding her the (GPA) is one of the many but most valuable part of going to college. </p>
<p>That is where I and my H differ. He is of the opinion “let her take the fall” And I strongly believe that she can fall and get up,it is not a problem. But as a mother if you see your child approaching a ditch and going to fall, instinctively you will reach out and try to break that fall. And when I have the option of checking her progress and there is something with red flag it is only wise to have a dialouge with your child to fix it.</p>