<p>Xaniamom - Sorry for this difficult experience. Maybe H seems like a dictator because he just doesn’t share his motivation/thoughts?</p>
<p>Could it be that H wants D to get as much merit money as possible for good grades? It’s too late for that with S. Just a thought, maybe totally off base. </p>
<p>Our D will be headed to college next year, and expects that she’ll have to work some summers. Depending on what school she chooses, she’ll work more or less. She knows we expect her to do work-study if she can get it through the year, and pay for her personal expenses at a minimum. We hope she will be proactive and decide on her own how best to fund whatever she wants to do. I like the idea of making her responsible for personal expenses and books - think I’ll add that to the discussion soon!</p>
<p>We pay for our son’s books. His tuition is paid. He has food and a place to live. If he runs out of money I guess he won’t be able to go out to eat at a restaurant, or buy concert tickets. He’ll live.</p>
<p>Clemson, we made it VERY clear that we would not be paying for books or any discretionary or recreational costs. If our kids had asked us for money, we would have said NO. I will say, if they has needed money for books, we would probably have purchased the books using our credit card, with a repayment plan worked out with the kids. If they had asked for money to eat at restaurants, put gas in cars, go out, go on trips, or buy clothes…answer would have been NO. </p>
<p>We were paying tuition, room, board, fees, and costs for them to travel home. They KNEW what those cost and also knew we weren’t asking them to contribute all that much.</p>
<p>My S has a full tutition scholarship and is in fairly demanding major (engineering), so I am not pressuring him at all to work during the school year. I have told him if a good opportunity comes up that is a resume builder to work in a lab or with a professor that he may want to consider that, but there is no reason that he needs to be waiting tables or the like.</p>
<p>I pay all the expenses that are necessary: room, meal plan, books, supplies, even car maintenance and a reasonable amount of gas money, especially to travel home for breaks.</p>
<p>However if he wants to take a spring break trip with his friends, that one is coming out of his own pocket, if he doesn’t have the money, then I may consider loaning it to him.</p>
<p>However I expect him to work over the summers. What else would he do??? If there is an opportunity for him to travel abroad or take courses over the summer, it’s something we can dicuss, but he’s not just going to sit in the house and play video games all day. I would prefer if he could find internships or something related to his major, but if not, then I guess he’ll be learning to say “Do you want fries with that?” But as far as I’m concerned the money he makes is his own and is for movies and eating out and taking those spring break trips with his friends. In my eyes, he’s paid his portion of his costs through his work and dedication in high school earning his scholarship, so I’m not expecting him to contribute toward any other required costs for his education.</p>
<p>I think working “real” summer jobs (maybe full time employment) during the college years helped my two recent college graduates obtain great jobs after graduation. These are sometimes in the form of internships or sometimes they’re just great summer jobs. My D graduated from Dartmouth in 2009 as an English major. We encouraged her to find full time employment each summer which she did. These jobs enabled her to get a wonderful position at a digital marketing firm after graduation. She recently left that job and is now at Google. My S graduated from Brown last May as a computer science major. He worked every summer at a music tech start up while in college. When he graduated he went to work for them full time. It is quite possibly his dream job. I’m already encouraging my youngest son who will be starting college in the fall to get a great job this summer. It’s never too early to build your resume. It will give him more flexibility in choosing a major.</p>
<p>Differential treatment of S and D is resentment on a stick. Different kids need different hands; it’s true. But look at the big picture. Don’t set and follow lifeless rules.</p>
<p>I work about 20-30 hrs/week during school year, and 40-45 hrs/week during summer/winter. I think its manageable, but for me, at least half of the hours I work is spent in paid research.</p>
<p>Our expectation for D and S, in both high school and college, was/is that being a student is their full-time job. (Both went to boarding high schools and only a non-paying school job was permitted) Job opportunities are scarce where we live, so summer jobs are hit or miss.</p>
<p>If my kids wanted a job during college that would be fine as long as they are able to keep school as the primary focus. Neither qualified for work-study, so no job was automatically offered by the school.</p>
<p>You husband is a D!CK and will live to regret his controlling behavior.</p>
<p>What does the son want to do all summer? He is a grown man and should be spending his time wisely, not just lazing around. My kids worked all summer every summer Nile in college. </p>
<p>They wanted to! For the money, the experience, and for accomplishing something. It would never have occurred to them not to be doing something. Sometimes it was 30hpurs a week and then they would do things to help their life goals, like learning a new skill.</p>
<p>You haven’t said what son would rather do than work. And maybe dad sees the end of college looming and doesn’t want a ricochet adult in the house. The daughter is stil
In high school.</p>
<p>I think you need a marriage counselor, not CC, and I say this with respect. This really is a marital problem. I am married to a reformed (somewhat) workaholic, so I know what stress this can bring to a marriage.</p>
<p>I am sure my graduating D’s internships (paid and unpaid) and jobs since the summer of freshman year are giving her an edge right now as she interviews for full-time jobs. One of her internships was in human resources, so she has seen hundreds of resumes, good and bad. She also has done dozens of interviews, so they don’t faze her anymore. She has developed people skills and social skills from working, which you don’t really get from classes. She takes pride in earning her own money. She also likes to be able to buy whatever she wants without guilt. She likes being an adult. I understand some students, like engineers and pre-meds, are more academically focused, but mine has always been more work-oriented. Working has probably taught her more about people than her coursework (psych major).</p>
<p>I definitely see a CC skew in some responses in that the kids are motivated enough to want to work during their time off. I wish I knew more people like that!</p>
<p>I also have to ask, though it’s OT, but so many people have mentioned it: what secret do your kids have when it comes to getting jobs right out of college?! My family has lots of young people (and family friends with young adults) and I can only point to one employed person in his 20’s (the rest are unemployed, even with good educations!). Even HE has a Master’s. I’m so impressed by your children (at the same time, this is CC, so I know they’re awesome).</p>
<p>victoriaheidi–I think location has a lot to do with it. There are just some areas of the country where the economy is better than others. Small sample but we know of 2 Dec grads that both got job offers last week. The one had an interview last Monday, was offered the job Thursday, started work today, the other had an on-campus interview right before Graduation, had a second interview last Monday, got the job offer, starting in a couple weeks. Both are employed in their area of study, but UG degrees.</p>
<p>My S is graduating and quite a few of his friends, from both h.s. and college, have dream jobs lined up. Some attended impressive schools. Some are driven, super competitive. And just about all had junior summer internships that led to permanent employment, usually not directly related to their majors.</p>
<p>What kind of job does this S hold during the school year? Is there any expectation of number of hours per week, or just that there must be at least one hour each week?</p>
<p>Happykid is a theater tech/design major and is on call at three (soon to be four) venues. Even so, it is not unusual for her to have no work whatsoever for a month. When she does work though the money is excellent which more than makes up for the no-work times.</p>
<p>VictoriaHeidi, To get a job, they need to be persistent. They need to be willing to start at the bottom. When my D goes to job fairs at her university, she goes to the booths for start-ups and small companies with no lines of applicants rather than the Googles and Intels with the long lines. They need to think outside the box. D is interviewing at a tractor company. They need to be willing to move. They can try Americorps, Peace Corps, Teach for America. Mostly they need motivation. My D can’t stand the thought of moving home! I’m not sure what that says about us (Mom and Dad) but I totally understand. This town is a great place to raise kids but a lousy place to be a young adult. Too suburban.</p>
<p>In my opinion, every family will have different requirements about kids’ working during the school year and summers. It depends on family values and financial necessity. In our family, when the kids turned 16, we made it clear that they would have to start paying for all their entertainment, gas, clothes (other than school clothes), etc. The policy continues in college. My D (college junior) has had a variety of jobs in the summer, and has earned enough that she doesn’t have to work during the school year. However, this coming summer she wants to do an internship (pays room and board) so she will probably have to have some sort of part-time job her senior year. S2 (HS senior) has worked for his dad every summer. Fortunately, he has been able to supplement that with winning some voice competitions that have cash prizes. He knows the family requirement and will probably work 10-15 hours a week during the school year. </p>
<p>IMO, your husband seems unreasonable. But that is an issue that your family needs to work out. Your poor son…</p>
<p>We have a family business that our girls have all worked for ( the youngest still does in the summer )
They also started younger than most kids start working , since the law in our state allows for children of family businesses to work at age 11.
The baby of the family has a harder time since her friends and peers generally don’t work , or if they do , not that much
I guess we are old school and see it differently than some people would…in exchange for their work , they not only get paid , but learned very valuable people skills , problem solving and leadership that has benefitted them greatly. They also got extra things because of the sacrifices they made.
Call us what you want , but they have outstanding work ethics and anyone who they have ever worked for thinks they stand out compared to some others their ages whose parents didn’t think their kids should have to work and their academics were work enough</p>