Well, I am a single parent (no ex to help with finances or activities) and have two kids, worked full time when I could find a job, but sometimes I was unemployed. My kids didn’t have licenses until they were graduating from high school, but it didn’t matter because they didn’t have a car either and couldn’t drive mine because it is a manual transmission and I couldn’t afford the insurance ($3000 for 2 teen drivers to be added to my 12 year old car at the time). I had to drive them or arrange every ride to every activity, drive them to school if there was no bus. The most important rule at our house was to do as many activities at school as possible.
I really DO know what it takes to do it ALL alone. Alone. No child support, no help with college. No weekends at Dad’s to give me a break, no one to pick them up occasionally. Two kids who didn’t really like the same activities after 4th grade. When they were starting high school, we moved to a different state and I knew exactly 1 person there who lived 30 miles away so couldn’t exactly pick them up. Moved again and knew that exact same person (transferred jobs together) and she only lived 20 miles away. Still now help. Did what I could, but wish someone had told me to keep better records of their community service, their 8th grade, 9th grade awards, the names of teachers who could confirm some extra work, or the volunteer coordinator at the project one or the other worked on. I wish someone had told me to have them look at scholarship requirements when they were in 10th grade so that when they applied in 12th we didn’t find out one daughter was missing a foreign language credit, that there were scholarships available if they had written a poem for Memorial Day, if they’d taken pictures of some of their projects. When it came time to fill out applications for schools or scholarships, I had to do my best to remember, and a lot of good stuff was lost forever because I didn’t keep records. They went to 3 different high schools and I just couldn’t remember it all.
Unfortunately, most of those (few) rich universities have made the conscious decision to exclude students like your kid, due to their financial aid policies essentially requiring divorced parents to be cooperative, which probably most are not. Most of those rich universities enroll about half of their students with no financial aid (i.e. from top 2-3% income/wealth families), so it is not like they are really positioning themselves as universities for the common people or masses.
@tuckethannock , sorry about the lectures here. Posts can become preachy sometimes. Don’t give up on CC because there really is a lot of good information on here. My take on all of this is that people just want you to be aware to keep all options on the table and going to a highly selective college is not something that guarantees success just as going to a lower tier college signals death to dreams and ambitions.
One of my D’s friends had her sights set on a highly selective school in the east coast. It turned out that they did not meet her financial need (according to the school, they did but not according to the parents). Her parents were only willing to budget a certain amount. They really thought that the school was going to come through with a financial aid package that would cover enough- both based on need and merit. They thought that her stats and unique interests were enough to have a school pony up the goods big time. She really is a great kid- one of the brightest kids I know. It just did not work out that way. The poor kid had to scramble to appeal and apply elsewhere. She is now at a National Merit school that is huge but that covers practically everything and not too happy about it. But I think she’s pretty resilient and will do fine.
Just keep all options on the table and keep thinking positively about all of the options. The good thing is that your D has you on her side and looking into this now. Too bad her dad is not wanting the same for her. Good luck.
OP, I sympathize with your difficult situation. Your ex is a louse and your D will pay a price. I applaud you for looking to figure out how best to navigate the situation. Still, I would make the best plans possible within the lousy situation you and your D find yourself in. If that means going to court, go to court. However @twoinanddone is correct that barring a court order, you can only control your own behavior, so channel your anger to figure out the best strategy. People here mean no harm and I for one support you in your battle and encourage you to maximize what you can control and don’t waste your time on the stuff you can’t. Good luck.
@tuckethannock Read the thread and take what helps you and leave the rest.
There are single parents on this board and in this thread, so you’re not alone in what you’re facing.
Thankfully, you’ve learned the situation long before your DD applies to colleges so you can all prepare and come up with a strategy that will work for DD.
At this point, even if DD wants a top school, she still needs top grades and test scores, so THOSE two things are necessary regardless. In the event that she’ll only be able to afford a school with large merit, then she’ll have those stats if she keeps that focus.
Good luck.
mom2collegekids, you’ve repeatedly stepped over the line and refused to stop commenting on my situation when I’ve asked you to. Please go bother someone else.
Oh - no, that’s the other one who keeps commenting, that twoinanddone person. My apologies. Regardless, y’all, I’m done checking in here. If you have practical advice that is not a vehicle for projecting your own views on post-divorce relationships or what other people should want, I’d appreciate it, so feel free to pm me. Thanks.
You have 5 years to work on this issue before the D even starts college. Dwelling on your bitterness over the ex is not going to help you or her. Since he’s making so much more money now, I would probably ask for more child support and save it for the college fund. Otherwise, focus on what YOU can do and what D can do. It’s good to plan, but this is still a long way out and lots of things can happen between now and then.
I found this analysis on state higher education funding. Very depressing, specially if you live in
Arizona, Illinois, Louisiana, South Carolina and Alabama which are the top five states with the largest cuts. Arizona with 56% cut from 2008 levels and Illinois with 54% cuts is truly sad. This must surely affect quality of state education in these states? I know some states are plugging the gap with out of state and international students to try and fill the gap.
http://www.cbpp.org/research/state-by-state-fact-sheets-higher-education-cuts-jeopardize-students-and-states-economic
Since the OP has checked out, the thread is closed.