How to deal with being a disappointment?

College Life
1

<p>Fair warning, this may get a little long and serious. tw for talk of self harm.</p>

<p>In high school, I was an overachiever. I had above a 4.0, graduated near the top of my class, and entered college with 41 credits just from AP classes. In college, I assumed everything would be the same. I won't bore you with the details, but needless to say, it's not. I overextended myself while at the same time underestimating the workload given to me, and at the moment, it looks like I'll be ending the semester with something like a 2.33.</p>

<p>Now, as much as I hate the concept of self-diagnosis, I do believe that I suffer from depression and anxiety (somewhat crippling at times). This has been going on (and progressively getting worse) since my sophomore year of high school, though I never really talked about it for reasons listed later in this post. My worsening grades contributed to a downward spiral in my mental state, and though I hate to admit this, I tried to commit suicide a few nights ago. My long-distance boyfriend was on Skype with me at the time, and he is the only thing that stopped me before I went too far. I know that, at this point, I should be getting help, but I can't bring myself to do it. </p>

<p>Things have only been getting worse; yesterday, I literally hit rock bottom and scored a 10 on a math exam. I've refrained from self-harming any more, but the urge is getting stronger, and I'm averaging about four or five panic attacks in a single day.</p>

<p>You see, it's not even my grades that are causing this decline. I'm confident that if I get help mentally and apply myself more academically, I really can score a 4.0 next semester, balancing my GPA out to the 3.0 that I need to maintain my scholarship. Instead, I'm petrified of the reactions of my parents.</p>

<p>I don't know if I can adequately describe my relationship with my parents here, but I'll try. Throughout my entire life, they've been extremely controlling, borderline emotionally abusive at points. Most of the time, however, our interactions are nice and calm, and there <i>are</i> points where I consider my mother my best friend. This only makes it worse, though, when I inevitably mess something up; when that happens, I'm faced with a flurry of insults (ie. when my mother found out I wasn't a virgin, she dedicated an entire summer to calling me a disappointment and a sl*t). Furthermore, they have a habit of overreacting at the slightest provocation, and I honestly fear that they'll make me leave Alabama and come back home, where I can be completely under their control once again.</p>

<p>One last thing -- they don't believe that my anxiety and depression are legitimate issues. During the summer I mentioned above, I had multiple, awful panic attacks in front of them, and at points literally begged my mother to take me to a counselor. When this happened, she always had one of two responses ready -- "'anxiety disorders' are things made up by weak people who can't deal with the real world," and, if I pushed the issue, "fine. I'll just go commit you to a mental ward, because apparently you're too insane to live with normal people." Obviously, those discussions never went further, which is half the reason I'm in my current position (that is, suicidal and afraid to get help). I feel like I can't talk about my mental problems because I would be disturbing them, you know?</p>

<p>Every day, the thought of disappointing them hangs over my head. Just <i>thinking</i> about it makes my heart race and a cold sweat break out all over my body. I dread telling them about my grades this semester. </p>

<p>Any advice, CC?</p>

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<p>and to any of you that are about to say “they’ll love you no matter what,” please refrain. They won’t.</p>

3

<p>First thing first: get on the phone and call your university’s counseling center. I know you said you can’t do it and that you’ve always been told that anxiety isn’t a real problem, but as you’ve experienced, it really is an issue. And there’s nothing to be ashamed of because a lot if people honestly struggle with anxiety and with feeling inadequate. Think about the most successful student you know. They too probably don’t feel like they’re achieving their full potential sometimes. Nobody does and nobody can. </p>

<p>So please, call them or check out their site online to see how to go about getting an appointment. It’s probably free (or very, very cheap) and your parents won’t know about it due to confidentiality laws.</p>

<p>In regards to underachieving, breathe. Just breathe. College is a place that will test and challenge you, and it’s often very hard for many people to keep straight As like in high school. The content is harder, you have to do more on your own, you have more work to do – it is hard. However, now you can see this difficulty and now you can improve.</p>

<p>Go talk to your professors and let them know what’s going on. It might not be too late to get an incomplete for a class, and maybe you can prepare to do better on your finals. They’re here to help you, and after you take the big leap of asking, you’ll find that they can help you along.</p>

<p>Good luck, and please, please see someone to work on your mental health! YOU come first, and no one, not mom, dad, your roommate or anyone, is worth feeling so upset over. It’s YOUR life and you have to take care of YOU, and you can start right now.</p>

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<p>Thank you for the advice. It helps a lot, actually.</p>

<p>How am I supposed to deal with my parents, though? I’m probably going to fail one of my classes (the rest are salvageable, but this one is beyond help). To make it even worse, the course is in my favorite subject – economics – and I’m only failing because I missed a test. How am I supposed to tell them without making them hate me?</p>

5

<p>I think you should share this info about your parents with a counselor and she can help you process your feelings towards them and guide you about how to tell them and how to let them know that anxiety and depression are true medical conditions. If your blood sugar was in the 400s would they tell you that you really ought to exercise a little harder and not have diabetes? </p>

<p>You have my sincere sympathy if your situation is as you describe. You will get good support and advice here so keep asking for help when you need it.</p>

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<p>College counselor will definitely help you in this situation. And the above advice on dropping any course so as to not affect your GPA is also one way to go. You can always retake the class at a later time when you are feeling more at ease with the heavy college load. I saw this post of yours and simply wanted to reach out to you to help you.
I too grew up in a household with somewhat controlling parents. I am now a middle- aged mom (a registered nurse for over 20 years) and I vowed I would NEVER raise my kids in such a controlling household. As a result, my kids have really blossomed on their own with their own strengths and really have gained self confidence in their efforts partly because I have had to hold back and not save them at every moment. It is really difficult to see your kids struggle in academics and not want to really help them, but I know it will make them stronger. Please know that you will do GREAT in college because you have already achieved so much already! I am SO impressed with your terrific academic success in HS.<br>
How wonderful to know that you are truly capable of great things in this world. You have the ability to do it!
Going off to college in a new environment is very stressful. New friends, new housing quarters, new teachers, different work load. I really advise to take a light load this year and fully embrace each class. Get to know your profs and use their office hours if you have questions about any of the material you are learning. ENJOY your classes! I remember my college days very well. I changed my major from Biology to Nursing so I had to go to college for 6 years of full-time class work. It was actually the best days of my life in many respects. I studied a lot in the library in between classes. And then quite a bit of socializing mixed in there on the weekends. Yeah college can be a LOT of fun. I advice the library as the best place to study. Find a particular area in the library that suits you and stick to it. You will often find the same kids in that same area too and thus will be able to make friends with those students as you take the occasional break and stretch your legs! Find a study group in your major. This is invaluable. My grades went up in college when I hung out with the fellow nursing students who were very good students. I learned their study techniques. College is a blast once you achieve balance in your schedule. Tell your parents you need a break from their constant hovering and control!
STAND UP FOR YOURSELF to your parents but tell them you love them. You are an adult now and want to learn to navigate your own college learning techniques. Stay positive and enjoy all that life offers in college.</p>