How to get over my regret over my college choice:

College Search & Selection
1

I’m a freshman studying at UC Berkeley right now- while there are many great things about the school, it’s huge, very stressful, difficult, and impersonal. I’m very lonely and stressed here.

Last year, my senior year, I received a full-ride + stipend from a large public university in Texas to be part of their scholar’s program- it was also extremely competitive to get, given to 15 students a year, and was huge- a full ride + stipend (you basically come out with a years worth of salary in a bank account), free study abroad, free trips, huge priority, and a full-time staff for just 50 scholars.

I never expected to get in and it was my first choice- but when I got regents at Berkeley (with no fin aid), my parents really pushed me to take Cal- it’s a school they’ve dreamed about for a while now. To be fair, they didn’t force me to take it, but I just really wanted to make my parents proud, the scholars program is pretty controlling and I didn’t enjoy the scholars finalist weekend much because I thought the other scholars were rather arrogant- those few reasons alone made me choose Cal.

I’m now paying 30k to go to Cal- I’m always worrying about money, I never have fun, I work 10 hours/week and need to continue that in the summer, and can’t afford study abroad. My parents feel bad and tell me they’ll figure out the money but I feel so guilty that I never spend and keep working all the time. The program I gave up had a full-time staff catering to scholars- I can’t get an advisor to talk to me at Cal for 15 minutes. I can’t find an internship- I heard that program’s connections are so strong they have connections to all the top finance/tech firms and pretty much guarantee internships. And Cal is so hard academically. And I’m so lonely- even if I didn’t fit in that scholars program, it’s not like I’m doing much better here.

I’m paying a net 150k more for a school with fewer resources, less help, fewer connections/career opportunities, and a lot more stress. I know I’'m lucky that I don’t have to go into debt for this, but I just can’t get over my mistake- I can transfer but I’ll never get an opportunity like that program again. How do I deal with this?

I know that not everyone gets the opportunity to even go to Cal. know that I am extremely lucky to have had the options I did. I’m also very lucky that my family’s financial situation is such that this mistake is not absolutely detrimental- my parents can pay for Cal, they’d saved up that money and I’m lucky I’m not going into debt for it.I’m just feeling lost right now.

2

So sorry you’re feeling this way. As a parent, this is a good reminder to me to not pressure DS as he makes his final decision.

Have you shared your feelings with your parents? I would encourage you to do so. We all just want our kids to be happy at the end of the day. Nothing is forever. Be honest with them, and if it’s not right for you, you can transfer.

On the other hand, can you do anything at this moment to change the trajectory where you are? Join clubs or get involved in something that makes you happy?

3

I’m sorry about this. You have two options, stay put or transfer. If you want to try to make Cal work, seek counseling. College anywhere is stressful and hard. Don’t think for a moment that the other school wouldn’t have been without issues. Also, make the school smaller by joining clubs or attending small events, faith based meetings. Set yourself a goal, like try one a week.

You are not alone. There are so many students like you who question being there at one time or another. Go easy on yourself. This is life, regret, choices, second guessing and come backs.
I wish you the best.

4

Freshman year is rough pretty much everywhere for thousands of students. Even the students who like it look back over time and realize it was an enormous transition.

I would stick with Cal for now. I’m not saying it always works out but give it your best.

Your school is filled with talented students just like you and you’re not being catered too.

It’s a big adjustment.

You obviously have been a star student. It’s like going from high school to cal for football. It’s a big jump up. You can do it. They wouldn’t have selected you if they don’t believe you have what it takes to succeed.

A Cal degree goes a long way in life. And you will be extremely well prepared for the trials and tribulations of the real world. The competitive drive and the resourcefulness that will be needed for your path in life that will follow.

5

I’m so sorry, this is every parent’s nightmare, for their child to go away to school and be unhappy. I have heard stories that the freshman year is difficult but gets better during the sophomore year. The above posters are correct, find a club that does things that you like to do and hopefully you will find your people. Saying a little prayer for you.

6

I would have a serious chat with your parents about how you are feeling. On one hand, freshman year is SO hard, and especially so at a school with a rigorous curriculum. It’s a hard transition and kids tend to think everyone else is making the transition better than they are. My D is a freshman at at T20 school and has struggled at times and she’s not one to share her struggles with friends. Occasionally a friend will open up and she’s surprised they are feeling the same way she is.

On the other hand, this is not necessarily a permanent decision. If Berkley is not the best fit for you, it’s OK to look into what your options are. But again, I would include your parents in that discussion. Really explain what exactly your concerns are and maybe between you all you can come up with a plan of how to address each issue.

Hang in there!

7

Seems like it was the parents who pushed (though short of forcing) the OP to that choice, despite the apparent affordability issues.

Perhaps it is not surprising that the OP is unhappy when the choice was apparently mainly to please the parents, but that the OP apparently has to bear the cost burden because the parents’ preference was more expensive (unlike the usual case of parental limitations that require choosing a lower cost).

8

To be fair, my parents left the choice to me- this is completely my fault. My parents would have let me go to the scholars program. Its just the day I got the phone call about the full ride, my mom’s face literally fell- she was so disappointed, almost angry. I just wanted to make her happy.
To be fair, I also really didn’t like the vibe of the scholars program and the school- but with those benefits + $$, I don’t think anything else should have mattered.

9

Given that cost seems to be a problem, are there any possible transfer colleges that would be substantially lower cost than $30k per year? Reading your post closely, it seems that $30k per year is at best stretching the limits of affordability.

But don’t fall into “grass is greener” thinking of otherwise idealizing colleges that you did not go to, since that is a recipe for being unhappy wherever you go.

10

I would take the long view:
My freshman year (at a top private) was rough. I didn’t get an internship after freshman year (honestly, I didn’t even know to look for one). But am I proud of having gone there and are people impressed decades out? Yes. It may still be helpful decades out. In your case, Cal definitely would have a bigger name abroad, which may be helpful to you in the future.

With the other program, it could have been better or worse but really, it doesn’t matter as it’s in the rearview mirror. Just remember that the grass always looks greener on the other side. You have to deal with the here and now. It’s too bad there was pressure to choose one or the other. Ultimately, you have to be the one to live with your decision and it’s too bad your parents didn’t understand that. But for the here and now, can you cut down on the number of classes you are taking or responsibilities (via AP credit, for instance) and still graduate on time and within budget? Can you meet peers through clubs and extracurriculars? Those would help with finding an internship as well. Why do you need an advisor?

11

I think the parents pushed. Sadly, out of ignorance as they didn’t realize what benefits came with the other program. But Cal comes with a lot of benefits too. The key is coming up with a plan that works for you.

12

Berkeley is affordable for me as long as I keep working and work full-time over the summer- my parents are paying my tuition and helping a LOT and I definitely don’t want to understate how supportive they are. I can also graduate early I think.

I just think having a job has just taught me the value of money- and I’ve realized just how much that program was: a couple YEARS of income. Its just really difficult mentally knowing that I have to work so much harder for an ultimately inferior experience.

I don’t think I want to transfer out of Berkeley- yes, I know name doesn’t matter much, but I gave up that program for a “name” . And if I transfer out of berkeley, I won’t get either so I’m probably going to push through. I just don’ t know how to deal with my regret.
What my decision really that stupid?

13

Get help now with your classes. There is a learning services center. Go to professor hours. Don’t give yourself a reason not to succeeded. College is not high school and tough. Especially Berkeley.

Working builds character and companies love kids that work. Keep doing that. My kids work also on college. They actually prefer it.

Talk to your parents about how you feel. If your parents are not paying for the overage at Berkeley don’t understand why you went there then without a financial plan? Study abroad at most college have grants etc to help. Don’t “assume” you can’t go. Talk with them and the financial aid department.
Many schools have special grants just for study abroad.

Find an activity or club you can join. There are most likely over 1,000 at Berkeley. There should be something that speaks to you.

14

“I know name doesn’t matter much”

Don’t assume that. That really depends (on field, etc.)

And no, it’s wasn’t that stupid. Are you getting enough sleep? Exercising? Being well-rested and working out helps you keep emotions in check and also helps you with a longer-term perspective. I think I know what program you’re talking about. Just remember that there’s at least one poster on here who’s regretted choosing that program because better schools he got in to were much more expensive. It’s human nature to think the grass is greener on the other side but that doesn’t mean you wouldn’t be filled with regret if you went to TX.

What are you majoring in?

15

Its still early to have final plans in place about a summer job and lots of students don’t have “internships” after their freshman year.
You should have time to have fun with only working 10 hours a week - I agree with the other posters that you should get involved with some club or other volunteer activity or just find some activity that is fun.

16

You said you didn’t like the scholars experience. I would focus on that and assume that you would be having a bad experience because of it in TX.

You seem to have made a good choice academically. Your current school is fantastic academically. Forget about the costs. Your parents are covering it. They chose to do that. It’s ok.

Focus on your studies. Focus on trying to do more “fun things” at school. Look for little things that make you happy and do them.

You didn’t make a bad choice. You had two good choices. You chose one. It’s ok. Forget about the other school. The finances might have been advantageous bit you would have been miserable with the people.

Enjoy where you’re at.

17

This is called the sunk cost fallacy, and I don’t recommend it.

I’ve spent more than a decade in the UC system, first as a student and then as a lecturer. To be blunt, I am not a fan of the UCs for undergrad unless you’re in a particularly small or specialized department, where undergrads tend to get more attention. There are some excellent teachers and mentors at Berkeley and the other UCs, but most of the faculty are not hired for their dedication to teaching and advising.

It is not uncommon for freshmen to second guess their choices of college, as several people have already pointed out, and you have gotten some good advice on how to improve your experience at Berkeley.

That said, I recommend submitting some transfer applications regardless. It gives you some options if you decide that Berkeley is not for you, and you are not obligated to leave Berkeley if you decide you’d rather stay. A smaller college with good financial aid - Haverford or Wesleyan, for instance - may suit you very well.

1 Like
18

Its hard for freshmen to get internships in general. Many employers say “2020/21 graduates only”.

19

@warblersrule:

My understanding is that the list of schools that are need-blind and meet full-need for transfers is even smaller than the one for freshmen.
Here is the Wiki list:
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Need-blind_admission

Wesleyan evidently meets full-need (if they accept you) but isn’t need-blind (which is what I would expect as Wesleyan isn’t among the richest LACs).

Wesleyan does take in a decent percentage of transfers, however.

  1. None of the need-blind+meet-full-need LACs are that easy to transfer in to.
  2. The OP’s parents seem to be CA in-state full-pay. It’s possible that a private’s fin aid would work, but they may also very well fall in to the donut hole (not getting enough aid but not being able to afford a lot; especially in expensive Cali).
20

BTW, have you explored UC study-abroad options? Isn’t tuition the same as what you would pay at Cal? And many schools abroad are in cheaper locales.