<p>I scored an 8 on my essay. I would like to know how I can improve my score, because I'm taking it again in June. Can you read mine and just give me some pointers or criticism? I appreciate any help. </p>
<p>Question:</p>
<pre><code>People generally prefer originality to imitation, which is often considered inferior and second-rate. However, we have learned most of what we know by imitating others. Mastering any skill or gaining any knowledge means that we must learn from those who have gone before us. In fact, it is not until we have imitated others and learned from them what there is to know that we can strike out on our own and maybe create something new.
</code></pre>
<p>ASSIGNMENT:
Is it necessary for people to imitate others before they can become original and creative? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations. </p>
<p>My essay:</p>
<p>gijkhgfsdg_zps30b990e9.jpg</a> Photo by baileehhh | Photobucket</p>
<p>retrfogkjsdgfsfg_zps225bb3b5.jpg</a> Photo by baileehhh | Photobucket</p>
<p>Here are my suggestions:</p>
<p>1) This is a stylistic issue, but it is not necessary to keep referring to yourself (I believe, in my opinion…). It is implied that what you are saying is your opinion, so unless you are giving a personal example, this is not necessary.</p>
<p>2) Be concise! It seems at times that you are writing just to put more words on the page since many of your sentences do not add anything to the essay. The first few sentences of your second paragraph do not mean anything, for example and the entire paragraph serves no other purpose than to quote two philosophers. Many of the sentences about your personal experience are not relevant (Since I’m highly interested in writing and philosophy, I’ve studied many different people). Be sure that each sentence adds something new to your essay.</p>
<p>3) Make sure that your analysis follows from your examples. You argue that Lewis and the anonymous philosopher imitated each other, but I see no evidence of this. Also, you can not generalize from this one example to claim that “All great people imitate those who were great to become great themselves”. For this to hold water, you would have to establish a pattern of this happening and explain why it happens. Similarly, I could not find support for the statements you make about technology and culture in the last paragraph (not a good place to think of examples anyway).</p>
<p>4) Write on a more sophisticated level. This does not mean using big vocabulary words, but rather forming complex and correct ideas. I could summarize the main points of the essay as: Two philosophers said similar things, so they imitated each other, so imitation is important. You can see why this is flawed and too simplistic. Next time, think of examples that have enough content to properly analyze.</p>
<p>Edit: I realize, reading this back, that it sounds harsh. I’m sorry if this is the case, but I am trying to provide suggestions so that you can do better next time.</p>
<p>Random,</p>
<p>Nice review. All good advice.</p>
