I am looking for some advice from parents with these issues. I have a junior who is fine till end of 10th grade and has consistent A grade student. She took 4 APs in 11th (2 in 10th and is very common at our school) grade and we noticed last October her grades were falling like C and most Bs. Then I talked to the child and she explained that she had multiple exams on the same day and couldn’t manage etc and started crying. So I requested to see her a therapist.
Initially, it was ok with the therapist and after 5-6 sessions they both had conflicts for 1 or 2 weeks and there was almost a 3 week break. During that time, she refused again to go and she never returned to her. Even we thought maybe she should be fine.
She was so dull between Mar-May (school stress, piled up homework, AP exams, finals and, test prep etc). She dropped out of one AP course and one Honors course too in the 2nd semester. We let her do that and thought she would feel better but it was the worst period. We didn’t see smile on her face for almost 3-4 months. She doesn’t like to share anything, she is mostly in her room either texting or doing little bit of work. Her applications are not progressing at all and we don’t see any motivation from her about the college applications. Of course, she started the common app essay little bit. We even discussed option of taking a gap year but but doesn’t like she wants to do that.
We recently took an appointment with another therapist online as suggested by some friends but she refused to join the call. We talked to him initially. She went into the restroom and locked the door. He waited on line for almost 15-20 and finally had to disconnect the call.
It seems she thinks she doesn’t need anyone but we strongly feel there is a significant change in her behavior and the mood. Few friends suggested us to take her phone away if she is not ready to talk to the therapist but I am very much concerned that it’s going to spoil my relationship. She is already mad at us and doesn’t like to us much. The advice is to give her the phone back after the session and repeat the same process for couple of weeks. Will this approach work and is it going to make it more worst?
I really appreciate experienced parents advice. Ours is happy and loving family of 4 with no personal or traumatic issues in life.
Maybe in person is better than online. Can you take her to her regular doctor and have him/her broach the subject of anxiety, depression, possible substance use?
I wouldn’t think or talk about college at all right now. It’s far more important for you to help her in terms of her mental health. College can wait…it will be there. But get this resolved. I agree, a trip to her PCP is in order.
If you attend a house of worship, perhaps there is a clergy person there who can help. Or is it possible there is another trusted adult in your family?
I’ll tag @MaineLonghorn . Perhaps NAMI has some information for parents and students in this situation.
We talked to school and they connected us with local pediatric hospital. That’s how they arranged this counselor but she is not all ready for a trip to the hospital.
I totally understand that the colleges can wait and I would like things to get little better before the senior year starts as that may overwhelm her again.
Definitely do not take her phone away. That’s a punishment and sends the signal that she is wrong for being depressed.
I’d also recommend backing off from college applications. Give her a mental break.
It sounds like the rigor of her courses may be too much for her. Have a discussion about the levels of courses that she wants to take for her senior year. There’s nothing wrong with not taking any AP or honors courses. Let her decide her direction.
@bouders , we are not planning to take away the phone completely, just asking her to attend the session and will give her phone back. I am not sure if this is the right approach but when my nephew talked to couple of therapists, they suggested this approach. That’s why I posted here as I am totally confused.
We’re not worried about colleges and also senior courses are normal.
If the school is referring her to a hospital it sounds serious and that a mental health assessment is crucial. If you need to take her phone away to get that accomplished so be it, but having the assessment would be non negotiable for me
@roycroftmom , sorry for the confusion. School didn’t refer her but we called the mental health and wellness department at school and explained her the situation and then they directed to us the children’s hospital.
I understand it’s non-negotiable but I am trying to go with the right approach.
Are things better over the summer now with no schoolwork? You mentioned she is still withdrawn. I wonder if there is something else in addition to academic stress. Explain to your daughter that you love her but you are not a professional who knows how best to help her.
It can be very hard to get a teenager to see a therapist or doctor when they don’t want to.
Gently explain to your daughter that her safety and well being are not up for negotiation. This might mean that school (yes, even senior year of school) is off the table until she sees the doctor over the summer. Tell her you don’t feel comfortable sending her back into the school environment until the pediatrician and therapist are on board.
You are in a very difficult situation. It is incredibly hard to parent a depressed teenager. But from your description, the situation does sound urgent and well past phone negotiations.
She is into Summer but I am worried even the friends are a kind of stress not sure. She is definitely little better than in Apr-May. Sometimes, she is too dull and I feel she definitely doesn’t like us now. We’re not able to talk to her, she doesn’t respond properly if we talk about it, either completely silent or too rude. Some times it’s simple one word “LEAVE”.
She is not giving us a chance to talk to her calmly and lovingly. Most of her responses were either few words and nodding her head.
Our local highschool had a therapist they referred students to on a regular basis. Not a hospital. It was a therapist whose specialty was teens (which makes a BIG difference). Now maybe the best therapist has an office at the hospital but do your best to get an actual name of someone to see.
Testing would be done for diagnostic purposes (depression scale etc like a multiple choice test) after initial appointment. Additional testing would be done (sort of like computer game) for bipolar symptoms or other possible diagnosis (different doctors but seamless). If medication was needed or deemed emergency it was instant and expedited referral to psychiatrist.
Don’t be afraid of your daughter and take offense from her attitude. This is not a reflection on you. Her “bad attitude” is (I’m guessing) coming from a deep depression. As awful as it feels you are the “safe space” to fall. Her friends may get all the smiles and energy and then she comes home and absolutely dumps on you and collapses not getting out of bed. Or she makes it through dinner with a smile and then turns into a rock. It’s all she’s got to give.
Be thankful she’s young enough to forcibly drag somewhere to get help. Once they turn 18 you get locked out. You do need someone though who specializes in this–if your local school won’t give you names then call some other schools for names. Don’t berate your daughter. Don’t make her take the initiative–take care of making appointments–take her there–wait for her–bring her home. A good therapist will want to talk to you too.
In short–engage but don’t confront. She has to know she needs help but is either afraid to ask or doen’t want to appear weak. If she has a better relationship with one of you (wife or husband) let them take the lead in talking to her one on one to start the process. If medication is needed–get it–it can be literally life saving.
This is NOT a life sentence. It may take awhile to get back on track (sometimes short and sometimes much longer) but YOU take deep breaths! Many, many kids and parents have gone through this–you are NOT alone dealing with this. Hugs!
@gouf78 , thank you for your advice! Our school has counseling services and they are tied with the local children’s hospital. That’s how we took this appointment. We called the school mental health and wellness department and they connected us with the hospital. Then the hospital assigned us to the hospital clinical counselor.
Hang in there! If your daughter doesn’t like a therapist after a few appointments–try another. Get someone she trusts–but make sure the therapist is doing their work too–testing etc. You want a therapist who is not only “nice” but knows their stuff. You need to trust them too.
You might want to post this in parent cafe rather than “learning differences”. Lots of parents have gone through this scenario before so a few more eyes on your post might help get better answers.
This is a difficult situation, but you will find a way to get her the help she needs!
Say things to her such as “We love you so much and we are going to do everything we can to get you the help you need to feel better” or “We are not experts and we don’t know how to help you, but we are going to find experts who do know.” If she tries to skip an intake appointment you can say “We love you too much to let you skip this appointment.”
Do not say anything complicated or overwhelm her with words, just keep coming back to the simple message that you love her more than anything, and are going to help her.
If she does get prescribed medications, here is something VERY important to know: A mistake a lot of parents make is to give the medicine bottle to the teenager and put them in charge of remembering to take the medicine.This is a very bad idea, because often the child either 1) stops taking the medicine without telling anyone or 2) may even overdose on it. Instead, parents should keep the medicine bottle in their possession only. I recommend a cabinet or a box with a lock. The parents should then give the child the pill each day and watch the child swallow it.
You are doing a good job and you are loving parents!
To me this sounds like depression, and sounds like something that does most likely require professional help. In recent decades medicine has gotten a lot better at dealing with depression. Sometimes medication is needed and can be very helpful (and can take a while to take effect, although the summer break provides quite a bit of time). Of course this does require getting the student to professional help.
Depression is very common. High school students in the US are under an insane amount of pressure which does not help at all. As I have mentioned in other threads, a professor who I know told me that he thinks that the smartest students he has dealt with have all dealt with depression at some point.
Students who have straight A’s are sometimes perfectionists, who can be bothered by their own imperfection (even if looking at their grades the only “imperfect” thing that you can find is that a few of their A’s do not come with a + sign). Students can feel an insane amount of pressure to keep up with all A’s, in AP classes, while participating in the “right” ECs, with leadership positions, as well as …
People who I have known who have had children who were dealing with depression have been told to provide a safe and nurturing home environment, do not judge, do not add pressure, and let the professionals deal with the illness. Also remember that life is not a race, and we are not all in a hurry to get to the end. Taking an extra year to graduate high school, or taking a gap year at some point, or both, are entirely reasonable.
I might add that in a high school full of pressure and high stats kids and AP classes, one friend of a daughter never took any AP classes at all. Guess who had multiple solid job offers as soon as she graduated (from a good but not super high ranked university)? AP classes are not really necessary. A lot of the stress that we inflict on our high school students is not really necessary.
@fiftyfifty1 and @DadTwoGirls , thank you both! I still would like to know if it’s ok for me to take her phone away for couple hours to convince her to talk to the therapist.
Make an appointment with her primary care physician- how long since she’s had a physical? Mention to the doctor that you have concerns about her overall well being and mental health. The doctor can then explain to your D why it’s important for her to see a professional. If she was nearsighted she’d see an optometrist to get fitted for glasses. If she broke her arm she’d get an Xray and see an orthopedist to make sure it healed properly. That’s what specialists are for- follow up treatment to make sure someone is and stays healthy.
Don’t set up a reward/punishment system for your D. You are helping her out of love, not punishing her for violating her curfew or forgetting to feed the dog.