You are getting good advice here from others here who’ve been through what you are experiencing. I agree you should not try to trick her, change locks, take her phone away, etc., as none of that is going to work and it will almost certainly backfire and damage your relationship. Probably deep down your daughter knows she’s in trouble and would welcome real help. That may require that you step away from the situation more than is comfortable for you, meaning that she can choose a therapist that she is comfortable with and that therapist will never discuss with you anything that is shared between them. (Any good therapist will stress this to the patient, and it can be very comforting to a teen to know these conversations are truly private.) I agree that you should in any event find a therapist that you yourself are comfortable speaking with and discuss with them what’s happening and how you may be able to help your daughter. Then maybe find a way to give your daughter the names and contact information for a couple of therapists who specialize in these kids of adolescent problems and let her know the choice is hers. In general some of the best advice we received when our daughter was going through this was to be easy with her, listen to her, never tell her lots of teens have this kind of experience, she’ll get over it, she’s harming her chances of getting into a good college, etc. Calmly acknowledging her feelings and perceptions, however upsetting they may be to you, is the best thing you can do for her. It sounds like a lot of people are giving you advice that isn’t really appropriate for the situation, and you should just tune them out.
I would not underestimate the power of the sibling relationship. Mine are not terribly close, yet I am always surprised when my older daughter tells me something that my younger daughter has told her, that she never would say directly to us. I would encourage them to spend time together, alone, away from the rest of the family (go out for ice cream, go shopping). A relaxed setting might get your D24 to open up (without any real probing from her older sib).
I have a slightly different take on it. Mental health issues rarely go away on their own. If you are very concerned about hers, I think it is good to honestly share that you do not think you could send her to college without intervention, and will not do so.
I do know teens who refused therapy despite the parents’ best attempts to persuade them to attend. The result was not good-the problems grew more serious and are pretty much untreatable now.
I like that idea. No college without talking to someone first. We actually have friends who did that with their daughter. She’s doing OK now.
This will be your last opportunity to have sway with your daughter. Once she’s grown, you will have no say. 
I think it’s same test they gave her in the beginning when we took her to pediatrician. I think even she has to be honest with the test as these kids know the consequences. Based on that, the doctor suggested that it was probably anxiety not much to be concerned. We took her to the therapist and the rest of the story. We definitely her situation deteriorated after she stopped with the therapist and especially during the closing of the school with the exams, APs, piled up homework etc.
Thank you! We’re trying that too. She is trying to call her more frequently and unfortunately she is in an out of state college and too busy this Summer. Came home for only 4 days and coming tomorrow again. We also sent our younger one to the sibling to stay with her as the sibling recently took a house but they didn’t get much chance to talk about this as she needs more time to raise that conversation. This trip, she is going to be here for 10 days, hopefully she can try again.
Will try that as the last option, thank you!
I also called NAMI this morning and the lady listened to me patiently. She said she will talk to couple others and get back to be in couple of hours.
Thank you all for you help with this.
@hello06 , I wish you and your D the best.
After reading this thread, I just wanted to chime in that you and your D need a relationship of trust. Tricking, depriving, etc. isn’t going to help.
Your D also has to believe you are interested in her well-being, not simply her being well enough to get good grades or to be who you want her to be. You have not suggested this, but kids often feel this from their parents, so conveying your acceptance of her is key.
Whether you or her sibling talk to her, it has to start with truly hearing her, not looking for an opening to get her to a therapist. Or giving advice. Honestly, most of us could benefit from having a therapist to talk to, but this should not be the goal. It’s easy to understand why she’s avoiding communication if she feels it’s going this way.
Lastly, did the first therapist give any indication about why the relationship broke down? Did the therapist feel they needed to go on? Did she suggest something your D was opposed to? Just wondering if the rather dramatic ending to the first attempt yielded any information that might help you move forward.
Hoping something breaks loose and you both can move forward productively and peacefully and that this ultimately helps you two enjoy and appreciate each other more!
I think that’s the problem. I feel she is thinking that we’re concerned about her colleges and grades, that’s why we’re asking her to go to a counselor. I don’t know how to make her understand.
She just said we have to discipline her more. Take off her phone after telling her couple of times. She even discussed that in front of her. Eventually she concluded that she has to fail in her life and then only she realizes. We felt that was rude to say about a kid who was struggling with mental health. She complained that she was not showing any interest and even responding to her friend’s texts etc.
That’s hard! But you can take the lead. Don’t talk about grades or college. Just ask her about how she is feeling. You can tell her that you feel you may have been part of why she feels stressed and that you are backing off and will not talk about grades or college. And then do it! I think it’s also fair for you to set expectations about what you will support in terms of post high school education, but that should not be a threat. If you will fund tuition at the local flagship, let her know. And then leave it up to her to meet those admissions criteria.
As for the previous therapist, it doesn’t sound like they felt there was a mental health issue, just a “brattiness” issue. Would that be a correct assessment of the therapist 's position (even if it isn’t yours)?
I don’t think putting college on the table is a threat. Just state that you are not going to pay for a kid to go away to college until she ( or a therapist/doctor) demonstrates that she is stable enough to do so and succeed. I am always amazed at the number of parents who send kids with known issues off to far away schools hoping for the best. It rarely works out. The time to address this is now. She can find a therapist, you can find a doctor, whichever. But you need to address this, not enable her to continue this.
I have been thinking about this. I think that we are dealing with a judgement call. However, I think that for a few weeks I might do nothing other than try to provide a safe and supporting environment, while making sure that your daughter eats something and drinks enough fluid to prevent the kidneys from shutting down. At some point your daughter is likely to realize that she needs to do something. A few days later she is likely to admit this to you.
And keep in mind that it is not unheard of for a student to be so badly depressed that a parent might just try to help them to get through the day, and then a few years later the same student might be graduating cum laude with a big smile on their face. This is not unheard of at all.
If I am understanding correctly, the reason that the OP is considering taking the phone away is because the strategy was recommended by the prior therapist, who it seems does not think the D is depressed but is willfully non-compliant. That could, of course, suggest a different diagnosis.
Is it possible that the therapist was right and mom is wrong but so long as they are in this limbo land, D is treated with kid gloves? I can’t say and would always advocate for a compassionate and trusting relationship but am a bit confused. Is this even a possibility? OP, is there anything you can share about the development of your D’s oppositional behavior?
I’m very late to this thread, but sorry to hear your D and you are going through this. Many of us have been in similar situations.
I’m probably in the minority, but I’m not sure you should force her to go anywhere or talk to anyone, other than immediate family. (Obviously, if it seems there is an immediate risk of self harm, call 911.)
My opinion as an ordinary person: Can you have a simple conversation? Can you say “We are worried. How do you feel about the way things are right now? Is there something you feel would make the situation better?” Then listen. You can follow up with “If you aren’t sure, would you be okay with talking to someone who works with teens?”
I had a great piece of advice from someone here on CC when my own child was having a hard time adjusting to college. They said to ask her what SHE wanted to do about the situation. That question can be a game changer. It helps to see themselves as part of a solution, and to feel they have some control over their lives.
Good luck, and I hope you can keep the communication going. 
The previous therapist suggested but we never tried anything like that as we didn’t want to hurt my D’s feelings. The reason I am thinking now is that few of my cousin’s friends, who are also therapists, suggested that it seems but I was in a confused state as that would hurt our relationship and she might have that grudge on us forever and who knows how that effects our relationship. Our girls are our highest priority in this world for us and we can’t live if she doesn’t maintain a relationship with us. Maybe I am being over emotional but this is true.
We are in the same boat too. We feel anything can be achieved with love.
First of all, we think she doesn’t realize that she has depressions and the other thing is that she is in general very shy kid from childhood and doesn’t really talk much with an adult unless forced to. As she is growing, for few things she is forced to talk at school and other things, so she kind of improved slightly but I still consider her as an introvert. She is ok with her age of kids but definitely not too outgoing personality.
Sometimes, we think she developed a very bad opinion on counseling with the experience from the 1st counselor. She in general hates people lecturing her. It was too easy for us to take her to the pediatrician and the counselor in the first visit but I think the counselor spoiled the opinion. Telling the parents to take her phone away in front of 17 year old kid in this generation, doesn’t work out like that. They feel too embarrassed.
At one point, we had hard time to even take her to the pediatrician after this incident when she had fever. She had a doubt that we would start discussing about her mental health issue again with the pediatrician as we were already asking her about that earlier to see another therapist or the doctor.
Hope this helps.
Don’t take the phone away.
Is there anything that the two of you can do together that you both enjoy? Could you go to a coffee shop? Make a special meal together? Watch a favorite TV show together? Go shopping together? Or to a movie? Try to build up your relationship and let her know that you really care about her as a person, not her grades or her college prospects.
The teen brain is a really weird place. I do agree that she could probably benefit from a therapist who is a good fit (that other one sounds terrible), but teens in general often lock themselves away from their parents and behave badly at home. It’s called “soiling the nest”. It can be tricky as a parent to figure out what is normal teen soiling the nest/distancing themselves from the parents behavior and what is more than that. The brain continues to grow until around age 25 when the prefrontal cortex (judgment center) comes online completely (we hope).
I have found several therapists through Psychology Today for my kids. You can filter by insurance (very important) and the issues they specialize in, and the treatment approaches they take. You really need to shop around and find the right fit. Most will offer a 15 minute free consult on the phone.
But dragging her to the perfect therapist is not going to work if she’s not engaged in the process. Therapy is kind of like playing a sport and the therapist is the coach and your daughter is the player. If she doesn’t want to play it really doesn’t matter how good of a fit the coach is. She’s got to want to get better.
I think that just not talking about college at this point is the way to go. If she brings college up I would tell her you are worried about her and suggest she consider a gap year or living at home and studying locally, but that will inevitably be interpreted as a threat by the teen brain even if you mean it in the kindest, gentlest way, so I would not bring that up. If she really presses you on it I would tell her you would really like her to talk to a therapist before you feel comfortable sending her away to college.
I don’t have any advice in addition to all the excellent advice already provided here, especially by those who have had similar experiences.
I’m just writing to say what an amazing, loving and caring parent you seem to be. Prioritizing your daughter’s well being and looking for ways to help her in the best way you can.
Sending you warm wishes and prayers. I can’t imagine how hard it must me on you and your daughter. I hope you’re able to work this out.
If your D has figured out that you are discussing her mental health with a few of your cousin’s friends-- no wonder she has shut down on the subject of therapy. It’s one thing for your cousin- who has a relationship with your D- to ask “is everything Ok? Susie didn’t seem like herself at the Fourth of July picnic”. It’s another thing for your cousin to discuss a family member with random friends, regardless of whether or not they are therapists. And no reputable therapist gives advice to a cousin to pass on without having seen and done an intake with the actual patient! This is a serious violation of ethics.
So I agree with the suggestion that you find a therapist for yourself- who you can talk to, gain perspective on what you are dealing with. And stop discussing your D with cousins.
I know how painful this must be for you and your love for your D is very clear. But she needs to feel that you are on HER side-- warts and all- for her to trust you.
I think this is the crux of the issue.
I’m not a therapist either, but I am raising teenagers too. We all want our kids to love us, but love doesn’t mean just giving in to everything in order not to upset them. There’s no way to have a relationship that at its core, is based on avoiding loss.
I think your fear of parental alienation is just as serious an issue as you think her behavior is, and I encourage you to find a therapist for yourself to work with those feelings. For sure she picks up on this and it plays into your relationship with her.
If (multiple) therapists are suggesting that you need to set more boundaries with her then it seems clear that not doing so is likely part of the problem. Is it possible that they see something that you can’t? I’m not discounting whatever you perceive to be her mental state, but I don’t think you can help her until you have some help for yourself first.
To me, what you describe (friends who are not the best influence/not academic, near constant phone/social media use, older sibling that is very academic/highly motivated while she is not, shutting you out of her room, etc) are all within the realm of ‘normal’ teen experiences.
She’s eating, she’s socializing, she’s sleeping, she’s volunteering, she’s just not talking to you about how she feels and doesn’t want to be taken back to a therapist that suggests she needs some limits. To me, dull or not, she doesn’t necessarily sound depressed, just annoyed, and also, in charge of you.
I echo that you sound like a loving, kind and patient mom. But we teach people how to treat us, especially our kids.