MODERATOR’S NOTE:
I am keeping this thread open for the moment on the chance that it will help someone that might actually have this issue. The OP, however, will not be returning.
Personally I would advise you to let him go to the undergraduate he wants and let him pay for graduate school. In the sciences a PHD should be supported by grants so he shouldn’t pay. For med school, he can take out his own loans like all other med students do. If you feel strongly you can have him pay you back over time.
" I tell him to go outside and get friends and stop studying so much and he tells me his textbook is his best friend. "
This is what I would be really worried about regardless of where a student goes to college.
Bottom line, as is commonly stated over and over again in various threads, is that parents and student need to have the talk about parental / money constraints before the student makes his/her application list, so that s/he can make an application list that will give April results that both the parents and student will be happy with.
Yes, this means that the parents need to evaluate their financial capabilities beforehand, taking into account retirement savings and any younger kids who may go to college. It also means using a relatively pessimal estimate to make any promises about funding for the kid’s college, since being a little more generous later is easier to do than backing out of your promise later. Yes, some parents may only be able to promise a $0 contribution, but telling the kid beforehand means that s/he can build an application list targeted for sufficient scholarships and financial aid, rather than wasting application effort on schools that will be out of reach financially.
Thanks to the moderator. It was clear from the screen name and the posts that this was a previously banned poster perfectly happy to “pull our legs” and waste the precious time of the many generous and helpful parents here.
@Nrdsb4 @skieurope Wait, what? This post wasn’t legit?
I am floored by how many parents are compelled to spend whatever their children want. I introduced my kids to a word they avoid hearing by making prudent decisions; that word is “no”.
I thought the screen name was suspicious too, thanks for confirming this.
@frugaldocter The problem people have is that the OP (if this were real) may have said that they would pay for the schools the kid wants, and is now backing out. If the parent had said “find a full ride if possible, will pay very little” the kid could have found somewhat better but still relatively cheap alternatives to UMississippi.
Our son would not apply to some reasonably costing colleges. We had some money saved for his college. He is attending a private university and received a partial scholarship. He did work study. He got a paid internship for his last two years of school and helped pay for his housing, food and books. He applied every year for additional scholarship money from the school and was awarded some additional money every year. He will graduate with less,than $10,000 in student loans for a degree that cost about $120,000 plus room and board. We have no loans to pay back as parents.
Our son didn’t really grasp how much college cost until about a year into being away at college and probably discussing it with his college friends. He may have made different choices if he’d been more knowledgeable. As parents, we weren’t that clued in about how college financing worked as my husband and I never attended college. I don’t know how we’d have managed if son hadn’t got that paid internship, it was a Godsend. I have a lot of medical bills and my husband and I are in our mid 50s saving for retirement.i would do things differently in hind sight but son will graduate soon and has a job and did well at school. But I am glad to have made it to this other side, for sure!!!
No
@skieurope Oh, okay. Lol, I wonder if it was a kid or a parent.
I thought it seemed doubtful, too. But it gives me an opportunity to repeat a point I like to make:
EVERY kid with top stats like those claimed for this kid will be able to get substantial merit scholarships at state schools, and very likely free or virtually free education. This is true of EVERY kid who has the qualifications necessary to consider applying to highly selective private colleges. So parents with kids like this need to discuss with the kid BEFORE applications are made what the family will do if a great merit scholarship comes through–as it almost certainly will.
And has been noted on other threads, kids from affluent families who apply to selective no-merit schools, and don’t apply to others that offer merit, are implicitly leaving money on the table. Somehow many folks here think that leaving money on the table is ok if you didn’t apply to those schools, but if you apply and get in, it’s a no-brainer to take the less expensive school. Like Hunt says, it needs to be clear before hand what the answer is going to be.
@albert69: “The problem people have is that the OP (if this were real) may have said that they would pay for the schools the kid wants, and is now backing out. If the parent had said ‘find a full ride if possible, will pay very little’ the kid could have found somewhat better but still relatively cheap alternatives to UMississippi.”
Situations change. The parent (pretending the OP was real) may have thought that was a possibility at the time the statement was made, but learned new information since then.
Or, pithier: Until the contract is signed, the contract is not signed.
It’s certainly possible for a family to get new information, but a top-stats student getting a nice merit scholarship shouldn’t really be new information. And yet, every year here on CC we see (real) posts from dads (usually it’s dads) suffering from remorse because they told their kid that he could go to the selective private college if he got in, and now there’s this great scholarship from the state university! Isn’t it just as good? The usual suspects come on the thread and say either (a) yes, it’s just as good, take the money or (b) no, it’s not as good, take the more selective school.
I’m just urging parents of high achieving students to avoid putting their kids through that.
However, if an adverse financial event did occur to the family finances, the parent can explain it to the student as to why the previously stated parental contribution is no longer possible. Indeed, sometimes, such events may be obvious to the student (big medical bills, someone lost a job or knows that s/he will lose a job and cannot not find another one of similar pay, etc.).
But parents should not put themselves in the position of making promises or assurances that they back out of for no obvious good reason. Parents need to make honest assessments of their household finances (taking their own retirement savings and any additional kids’ college contributions into account) before the “money talk” and use conservative estimates when stating what they can contribute (it is better to be able to be more generous later than to have to back out of a promise later).
I’ve learned a ton since joining this forum and do wish we’d done some things differently. I’m a parent who is used to saying ‘no’ or perhaps ‘we will see’ so I never promised my kids they could go to any school no matter what. However, I think it would be foolish to say that if the parent ‘promises’ a 10th grader that they can go anywhere they want and then finds out there are a lot of other wonderful, cheaper options that that parent felt obligated to pay $60k when there is a $10k option. If I’m out shopping for a house and find one under budget, I’d feel no obligation to buy a more expensive one just because I have the money or the kids wanted a pool or to live in a certain neighborhood. After all, it’s still my money. Yes, the parent was mistaken and the child is disappointed that it isn’t a smart financial decision to go to #1 choice, but the child will be more disappointed to start at a school and then have to transfer or stop going when the money runs out, or has to graduate with a lot of loans.
A parent’s job is to guide. If a parent realized he/she’s made a mistake and can’t really afford the college ‘promised’ or that the money would be better spent in another way (retirement, grad school savings, investments), or that the value is just not worth it to pay double, I think the parent should change the plans. My kids knew that because they’d been dealing with me for years. They went to a very expensive high school freshman year and it was a mistake. The school was great, it was just too expensive. My mistake, but they paid for it because they had to change high schools. Even if I had the money, I still reserve the right to say the school was too expensive, that I want to spend my money somewhere else.
Ok…so supposedly the OP said he would pay $35,000 a year for undergrad…that is a four year total of $140,000. He also said $45,000 a year for grad…let’s put that at three years…so $135,000.
Add those together…and you get $275,000 total. So, just pay for undergrad for four years with that same money…at $68,750 a year. Tada…enough to fund most any undergrad school…especially if the student takes the Direct Loan each year too.
I also think this thread is a bit on the “off” side.
The foolish thing is to make promises that they have not thought through enough to be reasonably sure of being able to keep. It is also not a good idea to lead the kids to believe that there is more money available for their college than there actually is, even without naming numbers. The several threads similar to this one show the kind of conflicts that overpromising what the parent is able and willing to deliver can lead to. Basically, it ends up being a conflict between choosing either money or trust – a choice that one does not want to be forced to make.