My essay starts off with me as a carefree child on a piggyback ride with my dad and then transitioning to today with my parents working hard and not being able to speak english. So basically in the body paragraphs I say “My parents’ hard work inspires me to work hard in school” and “I have to navigate the adult world to help them”. At the end, I transition to me, as a more independent teen, guiding my father across the icy pavement. There are so many different things I want to talk about in my essay, so I feel like I address each of them shallowly. Should I just focus on one specific event/ attribute? I’ve been trying to think of how to make my essay more personal and deep rather than cliched. Please help
I’m a parent, but it sounds good to me. I bet your essay is a lot better than you realize! It sounds like your essay is about how you have more maturity to offer than a lot of college freshman, so go with that! you are a serious student and want to do well in your college experience!
As a summary, it sounds like you have a solid idea. Where is YOUR personality though? If you have good grades, etc… then they know you work hard. I think it’s more interesting that you have learned to navigate the adult world. It makes you sound independent and self-assured. Be careful of making it sound as though your parents rely on you heavily. You don’t want them to think that your parents can’t cope without you.
Agree with @Lindagaf – as you describe it (and not necessarily as you’ve written it) you are way too small.
This essay is about YOU and not your parents. Of course you can mention your parents and you can talk about their backgrounds, how they rely on you–that’s all fine because it does affect you. Just be sure that the weight of the essay is predominantly about you , not them.
How have YOU changed or coped as a result of this unique upbringing?
Read this:
http://www.■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■/uploads/1/0/9/5/109505679/hack_the_college_essay_2017.pdf
Make sure only you could have written your essay.
I read the “Hack the College Essay” and understand what he’s saying: that I should write about me truthfully and exactly as I experience life and thoughts. But I feel like by doing that I have little direction in my essay. I have this overwhelming urge to tie everything together in a cliche.
I like it. Because the 650 word count is so short I’m wondering if you should focus on helping your parents navigate the world/culture because you have the English/cultural skills. This could really show you and focus on who you are making the essay all about you rather than your parents. Good luck! You’ll do great!
Read your original post. One of the things you say in it is not like the others. (Sesame Street, right?) Take out the sentence that says “my parents’ hard work inspires…” Your essay does not have to say EVERYTHING. It’s an essay about you, not your parents. You have given us an outline of your essay, but like many kids, you are trying to cram too much in. Without the “hard work” part, my impression of you is that you have successfully integrated into American culture and that you are independent enough and savvy enough to help your parents. You are also a compassionate and caring person, as evidenced by you helping them, and at the end helping your dad on the icy pavement. That’s your essay. Revise, and pm to me if you like.