For years I envisioned college would be the perfect experience. I so badly wanted to experience the “college experience/college life” everyone was talking about, but now that I’m here, I find myself missing high school. Missing middle school. Missing the days before I was actually in college. Basically, I’m trying to decipher whether I picked the wrong college or I’m just not trying hard enough to have a good time. For those of you who don’t really care about the specifics, you can skip the next four paragraphs and read the highlights.
My senior year, people tried to warn me. “UCI is a commuter school.” “UCI isn’t at all diverse.” “The only UC more socially dead than UCI is UCSD. And that’s saying something.” Like an idiot, I didn’t listen so here I am. Truthfully, it was the highest ranking school I got into and to this day I still wonder, “If I had tried just a little bit harder in AP Spanish, would I be in this situation?” I tried to convince myself I was in love with the school, in love with the campus, in love with the people, but that’s simply not true. I’m quite shy, but my neutral face isn’t really that inviting. I tried smiling and making friends, but it just seemed like no one wanted to talk to me. During the first week, I went to a party with some people in my hall and it wasn’t really my scene. It seemed unsanitary, the music from the speakers wasn’t loud enough and even if it was, I only really recognized and liked one song. Anyway, I tried to make it seem like I was having a good time so my hallmates would like me, but that didn’t really work out. Like I said earlier, I’m pretty shy. Especially around guys, so they didn’t really like me that much from the beginning. I could sense the discomfort I’d feel when I was around. When we got back from the party, one of the guys (that I actually had something of a crush on) pretty much tried to dismiss ME specifically even though other people were still in the hallway by saying, “You can just go to your room if you’re tired. You don’t have to stay.” I wanted to stay like everyone else so I declined. I then recommended that we make a group chat because someone got lost or something. It wasn’t really used that much (at all really), but I later found out that they made a groupchat without me and actively used that one. One of my roommates actually was added to the new groupchat, but no one bothered adding me. Even after my roommate admitted that someone had made a new groupchat and that she was in it, she still didn’t bother to add me to it.
It wasn’t too long before I stopped being invited anywhere at all. By anyone. I would try to talk to new people and make new friends, but I was really just kind of met with discomfort most times. No one wanted to talk to me and they would kind of border on shooing me away, actually. So I got kind of discouraged. I just walk everywhere with my headphones on now. I cry most weekends around midnight out of sheer loneliness. I’ve made a lot of mistakes up to this point, but no mistake, no wrong that I’ve done has caused me so much sadness, so much regret, so much yearning for times that I didn’t realize I’d miss so much. I don’t often go home, but I went home last weekend and I didn’t want to come back. At all. I kind of just go through the motions here. I feel like I’m wasting away. The only time people come to knock on my door is when they want to see my roommate. I hear a knock, open the door, and the only phrase I ever hear is, “Is _____ here?” The answer is almost always “no”. She’s always out having fun with her wide array of friends. They don’t want to stay to chat. Upon learning _____ isn’t here, the response is always the same. “Oh” is the last thing they utter before turning around and walking in the opposite direction.
The thing is, everyone I know/recognize from high school that goes here is having a great time. The time of their lives, so that’s gotten me to wonder, “Is it just me? Am I really so boring to the point where I’m not at all worth talking to?” I literally texted some my high school friends earlier asking if I was boring because I have to be if I’m not able to connect with ANYONE here. I’m pretty close to one of my roommates (not the ultra-social one) and one of my hallmates takes time out of her day to talk to me but that’s it. The spring quarter is almost up and I’ve made two friends. Two. That’s it. And even then they’re not the same as the kind of friends I made in high school. The ones I could discuss anything with and not feel ashamed or feel like I’m wasting their time. I just feel so lonely. There’s also not really much school pride here.
I’m also realizing that (I came here as a biological sciences major) I may have chosen the wrong major. I’m currently a biological sciences major because my parents want me to be a doctor, but I’m not sure that’s what I want. I was thinking about screenwriting, marketing, or even public relations. I withdrew from my first Bio class because I knew I was going to fail and I realized I wasn’t very interested in the course material. I passed Chemistry with a C+ my first quarter, but I wasn’t interested in that class either. I took some social science classes last quarter and had a really good experience (Intro to Law passed with an A-, Broadcast Media passed with an A-, Social Science of Videogames passed with an A), but I have to try and pinpoint whether it’s because I’m just dumb and my brain can’t handle Bio or Chem or because I’m just in the wrong major altogether. One of my roommates took the same classes as me during the first quarter (she’s also a bio major) and she LOVED the same bio class I despised and loved learning the same information I found boring and useless. She wants to become a researcher. UCI caters mostly to the hard sciences, and the other majors are mostly left in the wind from my experience, but that could just be my own personal view.
HIGHLIGHTS:
-Super lonely, cry most weekends, no one wants to talk to me
-Thinking I may have chosen the wrong major and may actually not want to be a doctor but pursue something like marketing, public relations, or screenwriting. UCI doesn’t care about any of that. Mostly supports hard sciences.
-Don’t have an ounce of pride in my school and constantly encourage people NOT to come here
Anyway, I’m trying to pinpoint whether it’s because I didn’t try hard enough because I didn’t join enough clubs or because I just picked the wrong school. I’m leaning towards the latter currently, but I wanted insight from the CC community. Thanks in advance to everyone who responds.
SO BASICALLY - should I transfer or would I still have a mediocre college experience even if I did transfer? I’ve heard it’s harder for transfer students to adapt to the social life of another school because they didn’t get to start in the dorms like the rest of the people attending. Thinking about applying to USC, UCLA, UCSB, Chapman, SDSU, and a bunch of other schools. If anyone has any recommendations please let me know.