I’m an 18 year old first-semester community college student currently working towards gen-ed. I’m basically perpetually confused.
Before the semester began, I spoke with the music department advisor at my school. He acted like there was no way I could get a degree in music, since I’m pretty much a beginner (self taught, little to no music theory, but i do have some performance and directing experience). My school really only offers associates in music business, classical performance, and education, and I would like to learn folk guitar, contemporary piano, etc. So, I settled for gen-ed for now, and intended on being a self-taught songwriter on the side. But, it’s a lot harder than it seems, with little to no quality, free resources on the internet to effectively learn music theory and technique, so throughout the semester, I planned on switching to the music program.
However, recently I’ve been thinking about going into computer science, due to the high starting income, growth, opportunities for women, etc. Since I was a kid I wanted to do science, so music isn’t like my life-long dream or anything, just my primary interest. I have no doubts about my abilities, and I know if I put my mind to anything academically.
My issue is, I have to sign up for classes, like, now. I’m currently signed up for intro to CS, bio, calculus w/ analytic geometry, and I was ridiculously excited the last few weeks. But I woke up this morning with quite a bit of hesitancy.
I realized that I got really bored with everything. I have these whims, where I can absorb a bunch of information on a topic,and its cool and all but I just never want to look at it again after about a month. When I lose that interest, I get super existentially depressed, until I find something else. For example, I was pretty obsessed with music for a few months, and I was trying to learn and write music every hour that I could get free, so much so that I started having ideas in my dreams for songs. But somewhere along the way, I got really discouraged, or bored, or something. I didn’t feel like music meant anything anymore, and that anyone could do it, and that its more of a cute hobby than a career. Worst of all, I started feeling like there’s no difference I could make in the world with my music.
This has happened to me with quite a few things, like biology, psychology, drawing, animation, philosophy, game design. I just lose interest.
I’m really scared that I just have a naturally short-term mind, and nothing will ever be able to stimulate me for the rest of my life. I love going to school. I love my music history class, and my English class, and my calculus class. I love studying and learning, but when I think about what major I want to get, I fill with dread. I don’t know anything about myself or what I like. I don’t know what the duties of any given professional are. How am I supposed to pick what I want to do for the rest of my life? Should I just get like, 10 bachelors degrees? Should I just not go to college at all?
I’m already losing interest in the idea of computer science, and I don’t know what that means for me. I was on a high like this whole month, so excited to be a woman in technology, so excited to study something so innovative and in-demand, and to have a bit of job security. Now, I’m frustrated. I realize entirely that I have the mentality of a homeless hippie, but everything seems kind of pointless after a while. I really really want to make a difference in the world, but is that even worth it? I really want my job to be my livelihood and passion, as I intend to live alone with no children with a sort of minimalist lifestyle. Should I focus on what’s profitable? Should I take an exploratory semester to take stuff I don’t know that well, like film and ceramics, until I’m ready to decide what to major in? Should I just buckle down and stick to computer science until i love it or hate it? Any general advice or similar experiences?