<p>I found out who my roommate is and we live fairly close to eachother. Anything we should do other than the phone call to find out who's bringing what? She suggested lunch together. Good idea?</p>
<p>Great idea - why not??</p>
<p>lunch is a great idea. And if the college is a distance away maybe you can arrarange to share a van or something to carry stuff there together.</p>
<p>Use google to take a look at some of the web sites about college roomates, such as <a href="http://tinyurl.com/bqtsu%5B/url%5D">http://tinyurl.com/bqtsu</a> or <a href="http://tinyurl.com/bycbp%5B/url%5D">http://tinyurl.com/bycbp</a>, for example</p>
<p>The reason I suggest this is to help set expectations -- or maybe more appropriately, lower them. Its true, of course, that people can make lifelong friends with their college roomates; maybe you'll be pushing your kids in strollers together some day. It does happen. </p>
<p>But is isn't necessary that you become best friends, or even be friends at all. You just need to show mutual respect for one another and accept without judging. I say this because some people are deeply disappointed when they end up assigned to room with someone who may have no shared interests, not want to spend time together, etc. Its unfortunate if that happens but its not the end of the world. </p>
<p>Many times what happens is that frosh year you meet a lot of people on your dorm floor, in classes, activities, etc. and then choose roomates from those friends for the next years. If your roomate turns out to be one of your best friends count that as a plus, all I'm suggesting is don't hold it as an expectation.</p>
<p>Go to lunch and get to know each other. </p>
<p>The big things to discuss with any roomie are:
*Who brings what. Bookcase (I suggest tall & narrow - will fit anywhere), fridge (or rent), carpet, TV, stereo, landline.
*Basic stuff. Light sleeper or heavy sleeper? Usually study hours (realize this will change when you hit college)?<br>
*The boyfriend issue. Make this one clear as day. I've been in the situation (and had friends in the situation) of the roomie acquiring a live-in boyfriend. It got to the point when I did not want to be in the apartment (what? them confine canoodling to the bedroom? Hell no) because it was so crazy. He was there even when she wasn't. You don't need that kind of stress - so be really up-front about what you expect. If you are the type that wants a live-in-sig other, then consider making some arrangement where you split time between his room & your room. (Rant over. I think.)</p>
<p>Again, be really explicit about the things that matter most to you. Some roomies might want to share things, and some might go nuts if you touch her bedspread. Some might share your stuff, without asking. Be really clear on what you two are like and it should be fine.</p>
<p>Finally - get excited. If your college did a decent job of roomie matching, you won't have many problems, and you'll arrive at college with a familiar face there.</p>
<p>I ended up in a temporary situation in a lounge. There will be four of us. We all live fairly close together. We're going to try to get together, probably at my house (most centrally located), to get to know each other and figure out who's bringing what. We figure it would be better than the whole "she said this" thing, since one of my roomies does not have AIM, or a lot of internet access, and none of us can set up a conference call with our phones.</p>
<p>Arie - your post was really helpful! I know you suggest talking over these issues, especially about boyfriends and sleephabits, right away, but do you think it's a good idea to mention them immediately if you've only been communicating by email? How would you raise the issue in an email without sounding weird? Should you launch right into those sensitive issues in your first few emails, or should you wait a bit and get to know each other first, then raise the issue when you can meet face to face in September?</p>
<p>
[quote]
Should you launch right into those sensitive issues in your first few emails, or should you wait a bit and get to know each other first, then raise the issue when you can meet face to face in September?
[/quote]
Does anyone have suggestions on this? What are you all planning to do?</p>
<p>That's a tough call. Going by my own experience (chosen a few roomies and assigned one)... I recall talking about the "sensitive" stuff on the second or third phone call (first two had lasted about a half-hour each) with freshman year roomie. It was just a quick thing - neither one of us had been kissed! I said something about, "Oh, I'm not the type to have a guy over all the time." She agreed pretty quickly. </p>
<p>With apartments, it was a bit different - not sharing a room. For the first apt., it was pretty obvious that we all weren't the types - I was the "whore" of the group because I had a date, oh, like once a semester. When I did acquire a b/f, I asked all of my roomies separately (so as to not have someone railroaded in) if it was okay if he stayed the night. They were all fine with it, with the usual limitations - like not walking around in tighty-whities and some forewarning.</p>
<p>Now onto law school (hope this isn't completely boring :) ): first apt we talked about it when we had moved in - probably after about a month when she got a b/f. We never mentioned sex or sleepovers when we talked on the phone or emailed during the summer. Despite that, it didn't work out too well (very nice person, but her b/f was the one pushing to be over all the time, so she was stuck in the middle - no amount of talking changes that). New plan!</p>
<p>Next apt - my ex-b/f is friends with my new roomie. R was concerned about the ex being over all the time - then she found out from my then-boyfriend that I was sick of my current living situation - so I guess that was the "third party" method of resolving the issue. We did talk about it briefly - she said she didn't want a guy over all the time (even if it is her friend whom I'm dating), and I said that anything more than three or four times a week would make me mental. Will let y'all know how it turns out. :D</p>
<p>... so for you all - avoid it on the first phone call unless there is really a big issue with it (religious or parents would flip or whatever). Try to have a few good conversations first - what you did in high school, if you want to rent a fridge together, who is bringing the landline, what you like about the school, what you're studying. Maybe during the next meeting (if you've met in person, don't ask over the phone), phone call or during the first few days of orientation, bring it up. Unless the roomie is a lady of ill repute, she probably won't be bringing men home during the first week of school. :) </p>
<p>Just bring it up when you're talking. If you're the type to want a guy to spend the night, start off by asking HER what she thinks of sleep-over situations. That way, you aren't forcing her into something which makes her uncomfortable. If you aren't the sleepoever type, go right ahead and say that - and she'll probably volunteer her thoughts.</p>
<p>Sleep habits - that's less personal and you might have filled out a form about it. Again, I think that volunteering yourself first can help ease the tension - "Oh, I should let you know that I'm a really light sleeper. If you're a late-night person, I'll go pick up that darling eye pillow I saw at the Body Shop." </p>
<p>Confession: I talk in my sleep and sometimes walk in my sleep. Can't say how well my approach works (ask my roomies or some of my exes), but I've usually said something like, "Oh, you should know that I talk in my sleep - I can look at you, carry on a conversation, and not remember a thing." Timing - that's usually one that I mention after something happens ("Oh, you said last night..." "Huh? What? When? Oh, I didn't tell you that I sleep talk. It's been going on for years. What happened last night?").</p>
<p>Thanks arie.
[quote]
If you aren't the sleepoever type, go right ahead and say that - and she'll probably volunteer her thoughts.
[/quote]
What if one of you IS the sleepover type and the other is STRONGLY against it for religious, moral, personal reasons - who should give in?</p>
<p>IMO, it's not about "giving in," so much as compromising: </p>
<p>*Could she go over his place for the sleep overs and restrict usage of your room to when you aren't there? This might involve some planning ahead or at least exchanging class schedules... or letting her know when you are going swimming.
*Although I really sympathize with those who are squeamish about sex, it's college and it's going to happen. You can at least set some really basic ground rules - he can spend the night, but only once a week, and he can't change or be unclothed in the room. Spread your beds apart if that happens - some rooms might accomodate one on the right side near the door and one on the left side near the window. If it's just too weird, can you run a curtain down the middle?
*If you are really just beyond incompatible (I remember that two girls on the hall were both promiscuous, and a lot of people remarked that it was good they lived together) - the sex with a bunch of different guys type & the uber-religious/conservative/squeamish type - consider chalking it up to a bad experience and get the RA to try to work things out (obviously, you might have to endure more than you would want to before you can ask for intervention) and put in an application to change rooms.</p>