<p>My daughter just started college. Its been three weeks - jumped right into school and activities and she absolutely loves it. The problem is her roomate. They met online over the summer. They texted each other incessantly all summer. Great start the first week but this girl has attached herself to a boy on their floor. She totally ignores my daughter and stays out till 4 and 5 every nite!
the other nite her and this boy stumbled in, drunk and he stayed the night!!! My daughter was furious and called them both on it the next morning when she finally had to throw him out of the room at luch time because he was still passed out. The mother asked my daughter to take care of her daughter and let her know if anything is up. We exchanged numbers and did the same. Im afraid to call her and let her know whats going on because I dont want the girl taking it out on my daughter. Whats really a shame is when this guy dumps her shes not going to have a friend in my daughter. Its also a shame that there is no roomate relationship there. What do we do?</p>
<p>“What do we do?”</p>
<p>You need to not do anything. You need to stay out of it besides give advice to your daughter. Do not call anyone. The mom asked your daughter to call, not you. Your daughter needs to first talk to her roommate to try to set up ground rules. If that doesn’t work, she needs to talk to the RA about the next steps to follow for mediation and applying for a transfer.</p>
<p>I advise to do nothing. Your daughter seems to be able to handle it.</p>
<p>Thanks for the advice, actually the mom asked me to call her if the girls were having trouble but I’m really not that dumb. It sounds like your child had a similar experience. Care to elaborate?</p>
<p>Do not call the roommates parents! These are grown up kids —not 6 year olds! This so needs to be worked out between the girls. Your D could get the RA involved—as far as the drunk guy spending the night thing goes. Maybe set up minimum ground rules?
I recall the first few weeks of school being “very experimental”. So maybe the roommate will calm down…maybe not. This is a great opportunity for your D to get out of her room and into the lounge to meet all the other great kids on her floor! My D’s roommate was no where near her BFF. They had nothing in common—so my D went to the lounge…and for 2 years has now been hanging with those great kids she met there.</p>
<p>If it were my D in that situation, I would encourage her to make her boundaries clear with the roommate - she doesn’t want BF in the room overnight. She should do this before any calls are made to the mom. (Personally, I think it was out of line for the mom to ask your D to “take care of” her D.) If the other girl thinks your D is a “softie”, she’ll continue to take liberties like bringing BFs home. </p>
<p>Too bad, roomie didn’t turn out to be the “friend” your D thought she might be. </p>
<p>Good Luck!</p>
<p>Agree with GTalum. This is for your D to handle, not you. Certainly you can offer advice and let her vent to you, but it’s not your place to get involved…definitely not to contact the girl’s parents. GT outlines exactly the right steps for your D to follow as she attempts to resolve this.</p>
<p>Thanks for the kinds words. I am encouraging her to set boundaries but its making her life in the room uncomfortable. And yes I do believe it was out of line for the mother to do what she did to both of us. I felt worry for her the day they both moved in and we met because she was so nervous about leaving her daughter there. And now I can understand why. Thanks for caring I’m sure it’ll work itself out.</p>
<p>I can understand not wanting the boyfriend to sleep over when your D is in the room…but what business is it of your D (or you) that the roommate stays out until 4 am?</p>
<p>Roommates have to respect each other, agree on “rules” for room usage, and hopefully be courteous. They do not need to be friends. Mom – stay out of this.</p>
<p>Do nothing except act as a sounding board for your dd. Your role now is as mentor/adviser. Your dd sounds like she did a pretty good job of handling it. Good luck.</p>
<p>I guess its my daughters business because she puts on the lights and stays up and wakes my daughter up every night.</p>
<p>It would be great if all college roommates ended up being pals, but you can’t expect that it will be the case here. When you write “she totally ignores my daughter” and “there’s no roommate relationship” it sounds as if you think the girls are required to be BFFs. And the roommate can come back to the room at any hour she pleases, because it’s her room, too. A polite roommate would try to be as quiet as possible, of course.</p>
<p>Having the boyfriend sleep over is another matter. But as the other posters said, you should let your daughter handle this.</p>
<p>YOU do nothing. Your D tells roommate they need to agree on some rules. </p>
<p>My D’s first year roommate had her boyfriend stay overnight many times. However, they agreed that it could only be on weekends and my D had to be told by a certain time–I think it was 10 pm, so she could retrieve her pajamas, toothbrush, a change of clothes for the next day, etc. and find another place to stay. (No, my D didn’t go to sleep early, but she didn’t want to be running about at 1am trying to find a room to crash in.) If the boyfriend showed up at the last minute, they had to find somewhere else to stay. They also agreed he couldn’t stay during midterns or finals. </p>
<p>I’m not suggesting this is the only possible solution. This is just what my D and roommate worked out. They certainly didn’t end up friends but they survived the year with very few out and out arguments.</p>
<p>
My prescription for this would be a night-lite only rule and sound-deadening earplugs for your D. And some frank discussion of room rules. I’m a night-owl and hopefully a considerate one but I would have chafed under any rule that attempted to set my hours. Thinking back …I would have had a problem with a roomie who woke up every morning at 5:30 a.m. to start their day with lights and noise. Not that I’d suggest your D adopt that schedule for a bit, just to make a point, but…just sayin’.</p>
<p>And I agree. Roomies don’t need to be friends to get along. They just need to respect each other.</p>
<p>Don’t call the parents, but please be sure that your daughter stands up for herself and puts her foot down if she is uncomfortable with the roommates behavior, because if this is starting now, you can be sure its going to go on all year (or get even worse). </p>
<p>My $0.02 worth - your daughter should refuse to allow the roommate to host an overnight guest until this girl can show some consideration for the person she is sharing the room with. Im not sure about the regulations at her school, but the residential department at my sons school requires that any roommates and the RA must agree before an overnight guest can be allowed to stay. It doesnt appear that this girls actions to date have earned her this privilege.</p>
<p>thanks for your suggestion I guess it never hurts to give a little of it back so they know what it feels like. Hopefully this will work itself out. Thanks</p>
<p>Especially when her notice for the overnight guest is 4:30AM and woken up because she was already asleep. Can you imagine?</p>
<p>Oh and yes that is also the policy at my daughters school. Certainly noone is allowed to show up with the drunk overnight guest at 4:30 AM!</p>
<p>No guest is allowed without written notice that is signed off by the other roomate and the RA. Hopefully this is just a girl who has some oats to sow and she’ll be done soon</p>