This is how I react to those comments. Maybe it’s because I’ve spent most of my life in the south where the version of Christianity I grew up in is not considered really Christian by a majority of the population due to not being sola scriptura. Quite a few people reacted negatively to the fact that I didn’t attend their sort of church (or any church these days) and have offered to pray for me - not for whatever I was going through but so that I’d be “saved” in their view.
Several times when I was in the hospital someone saying they’d pray for me turned into praying over me in a way that made me extremely uncomfortable. When you’re feeling vulnerable (partially sedated, barely clothed, groggy, in pain), it’s hard to tell a hospital chaplain or a nurse or med tech that you’d rather they not stand by your bed holding your hand (especially the one with an IV needle in it) or laying hands on your head. The one time I asked the person to please not do that, she was highly offended.
I don’t know why the OP’s MiL said what she did, but perhaps she’s had some experiences similar to mine. I disagree with her that what the OP does is at all passive aggressive. If you know someone will appreciate that sentiment, there’s nothing wrong with saying it. The OP said she doesn’t say it to someone who’s not religious. Is it possible that she may have been mistaken once or twice over the years about who would like knowing prayers are being offered on their behalf? I imagine so, but in my own case I do consider who’s saying it and try to accept their intention with good grace.
I was the only Jewish kid in my public high school class (and only one of two in my whole school, the other being my brother). My graduation started with an invocation by a priest invoking the name of “Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.” It didn’t ruin my graduation or anything, but it did make me feel like an outsider.
Why would you assume the person saying it was Christian? People of other faiths can say it, and there is certainly no assumption that the recipient is of the same faith as the speaker. A member of a Wicca coven said it to me once. All good, she meant well, I accept any and all prayers, good vibes, or good intentions.
@roycroftmom Because Christians are the majority religion in this country! I have yet to meet an in-your-face Buddhist, for example. Because in-your-face Christians are the ones who think religious freedom means “their” kind of religion, not “your” kind of religion. The example of Jesus-centered invocations have come from Christian priests and ministers, not from imams or rabbis.
And I speak as a Christian (Catholic, though some born-agains do not consider me Christian). I have family members who are like that. Cannot see any issue except through the lens of their beliefs.
As you pointed out, there are many faiths in this country, and many of no faith as well. I don’t make assumptions and don’t take offense by any of it. This works well in a very diverse multicultural area.
Because of the people I know who say, “I’ll pray for you” or “have a blessed day” it is only Christians foisting their faith on me. It makes them feel good to pray for other people. Does nothing for me. I have never had a Wiccan or Pagan say that to me and I do know a few. They say “Blessed be”, which also is for them and not me. I have never had a Wiccan or Pagan say they would pray for me, so that’s where I’m coming from. Horses not zebras, y’know?
Well, as far as the non-devout, I don’t “object”, nor am I “offended” as so many people keep saying on this thread. It just seems more about them than it is about me if I am on the receiving end of it. It does not comfort me. In fact it makes me feel slightly uncomfortable, so if that is what they want then they are achieving that.
On the other hand, if they know the recipient is whatever stripe of religious would appreciate their prayers and they extend that they will pray for them, then all good. Everybody is happy and feels warm fuzzies.
All I’m saying is know your audience. Do not expect everyone to feel grateful and comforted when you say “I’ll pray for you” or “I’ll keep you in my prayers”. Your atheist friends, if you have any, may not like it. I know it does nothing for me except make me feel slightly uncomfortable. Then I’ve got to figure out what do I say back? “Thank you”? But that seems like I am agreeing that it is nice for them to keep me in their prayers, which is disingenuous. “I’m not religious”? That opens a whole can of worms. I usually just say “thanks” but it seems insincere. I do appreciate that other people think about me, but the prayer thing brings a whole other level of complexity to it.
I am sure that many many many religious people do appreciate your prayers, so my advice is just know your audience and if you don’t then stick with “thoughts” rather than “prayers”.
Speaking for the devout (Roycroftmom, why would you assume that I am not religiously observant just because I don’t believe in Jesus?), context matters. Tone matters. As we’ve all agreed on this thread. It’s not that I NEVER object-speaking as a devout person- it’s that SOMETIMES I object. When the intent is NOT to be inclusive and caring, but to somehow judge that unless the prayers are being directed to the correct deity they somehow don’t matter or are ineffective…
Truly, I neither know nor care about what you believe, and I am certainly not very observant myself, nor did I make any assumptions about your faith or lack thereof. Just tolerant of those who are, and those who are not.
And by the way, I never claimed to be Christian. Just accepting of the innocuous good wishes from others.
Actually - the opening post of this thread was seeking input to learn if they might have been unaware that some people might have reservations about being told that they are being “prayed for”:
I don’t say it to someone who’s not religious. I never ever thought that praying for someone was at all controversial. Am I making a faux pas?
Some of us took the time to explain the thought process, that some won’t take offense as we assume it’s just well-meant, but still might prefer not to deal with the question of religion, when we’re already coping with a life issue.
So we answered a question to a topic that might be difficult for some. Our feelings don’t need your approval or your validation - and you can even belittle how other people feel. (Hmmm, if only there had been important philosophical leaders throughout history, who taught mankind to be understanding and compassionate to others.)
When people used to have good etiquette, taboo conversation subjects were politics, religion, finances and sex. If that list is still good for informal conversations - is it really so imposing to follow the same etiquette when talking to someone who is going through a difficult time?
But there’s only ever one where people ever (and repeatedly over the years) have insisted on “saving” me, after letting my lack of affiliation become known.
So whenever the topic is thrown at me, I’ll typically “submit” to the situation - but in that moment I’m forced to be disingenuous with someone who I might truly like.
I try to take any gift as it is meant, as a gift, and try not to judge it either way.
When I started a new position, a co-worker sneezed. I had no idea his religious or non-religious beliefs. I simply reflexivly said “bless you”. I actually was not even thinking of it as a religious prayer. It was a phrase I grew up with (often in German). His response was something like “for whatever good that does”. I found that far more rude than simply saying thank you.
That sounds like the response from someone in the dominant religion. If your co worker had said to you something with the name of Allah would you simply have said thank you as you recommend, or would you have made some comment indicating that you do not believe in that? It’s the same thing.
Lol, when I first began dating my husband, I noticed he would never acknowledge it when I sneezed. In my family, we always said “Bless you!” My stepmother’s family always said “gesundheit”! I knew other people who would say “God bless you!” when you sneezed. But I had never encountered someone who said absolutely nothing. I finally mentioned it one day and he said “I wasn’t raised that way.”
Sure enough, one evening I was at a family function with DH (still boyfriend at this point) when I sneezed. Silence…not a word from anyone…it seemed SO odd.
Over 30 years later, DH now says “bless you” when anyone sneezes, and I’m ready to ditch it.
@me29034 Are you assuming my response is from a dominant religion point of view? Not really, but I don’t want to go down that path. To answer your question: I honestly think I would simply say thank you. A blessing or kind thought is just as much a gift from any religion. To say “I do not believe in that” would be unkind (imho), as their intent is to offer kind words in their custom or belief – not to hear mine.
Or better yet people could learn to live and let live. A world in silence would be incredibly boring. A world where we can all be ourselves with our various cultures, etc, is quite interesting - except when some folks get insulted and mean.
I guess if I came across the latter I would just keep my distance from them. I’ve been too spoiled with my school lunch tables where we have opposite views on pretty much everything (religion and politics included) and still politely discuss everything and anything - and remain friends.
I read on here of such different attitudes and feel really glad I have what I have.
Personally, I’m keeping live and let live as my motto. I’ll do me. You do you. If for whatever reason we don’t care for each other that much we can just distance from each other.
