<p>slightly edited version:</p>
<p>What do you most look forward to in college?
</p>
<p>thanks again, everyone.</p>
<p>You communicate an important idea – you have a desire to learn beyond the constraints of just what “they” tell you to do. To be honest though, your essay basically spends its 500 words saying the same thing over and over again rather than showing or narrating to make its point more lasting.<br>
I feel like you are repeat the sentence “I will have the freedom to learn what I choose to learn, and not what is set in front of me.” over and over.
Also I think it would be better if you just ended on “My own.” and left out that last extraneous sentence.</p>
<p>I get post #20 but still don’t see the real “risk”. I guess I just don’t think the whole point is deep enough to be risky.</p>
<p>It almost sounds insolent to me. Maybe that’s your point. The ironic thing is there will be plenty of constraints on you in college (adcoms know this). Not as much as hs, but still.</p>
<p>I’m not good at this, and I’m not even sure if I’m correct, but I noticed it so…in your last long paragraph, which begins with “Not everyone benefits from…” you mix singular first person pronoun (been a long time; is that right?) by using “everyone” 3 times, then (in the same sentence) switch to a plural (“their”), then use “we” twice (plural) then switch back to “I” 3 times (singular). I’d stick with one or the other within the same paragraph.</p>
<p>So general opinion is to not use this essay again? I havent even applied to the biggest reach schools yet, but I have a feeling i’m going to need an essay that really distinguishes me, so I really do want to use this one.</p>
<p>Yet so many people miss the point, perhaps it is too risky. I dunno.</p>
<p>I’ll repeat what I said before: that first sentence needs to go.
It really sounds like a little kid learning how to write an essay would write.</p>
<p>You could easily turn that around and make it a compact statement with something like: “There are many reasons why I look forward to college” (but obviously better stated than that).</p>
<p>“It really sounds like a little kid learning how to write an essay would write.”</p>
<p>That’s absolutely the point of the whole essay though. That is exactly what i am going for in that intro.</p>
<p>I really like this essay, its very unique and rather refreshing from the typical essays i’ve read, but then again, it is a bit risky, but when it comes down to it, it all depends on the admissions officer. all I can say is, good luck. :D</p>
<p>"“It really sounds like a little kid learning how to write an essay would write.”</p>
<p>That’s absolutely the point of the whole essay though. That is exactly what i am going for in that intro."</p>
<p>You might want to elaborate on that further if you keep the first sentence, because it is not immediately apparent to the reader that that is its meaning.</p>
<p>how about something like [insert generic opening paragraph] right after the first sentence?</p>
<p>I think that might help alot.</p>
<p>This thing’s driving me insane.</p>
<p>Latest version (way longer):</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Ah, I see there’s some very bad circular reasoning there. The satire is lost, I’d think, if it doesn’t reveal much about yourself. Blatant statements like, “I will take risks, such as this essay”, are pointing out very obvious elements. And also, most parts of your essay are grammatically unsound too. </p>
<p>Yet the deed is done. Your head might be bloodied, but I hope you keep it unbowed.</p>
<p>I’m jealous. My essay is just a lame one about an experience and how it changed me. I really love yours! It’s so unique and kind-of funny.</p>
<p>I actually caught myself thinking “he uses really simple structure” about the first part, and then you comment on it: AMAZING.</p>
<p>I definitely think you should use it, but do take into account the advice above me. Be more specific!</p>
<p>If you want the satire in the first paragraph to come across you need to be a LOT more obvious about it- something like “This is the paragraph where I say what my essay will be about. My essay will be about what I am looking forward to in college. I will tell you the things that I am looking forward to. The introductory paragraph should be five sentences long. This is where my thesis goes.”</p>
<p>Alright, i’ve messed with this one far enough. </p>
<p>Final version:</p>
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</p>
<p>Now that you’ve expanded on the satirical aspect of the first paragraph, I really like it.
Risky? Yes. But it will definitely get you noticed.</p>
<p>I love, love, love it!
It’s very witty, and really shows you as a person without the blatant showiness of many I’ve seen (mine possibly included)!</p>