I think I'm too competitive.

<p>Some background info before I begin. I am a graduating senior this year at an highly competitive public HS. I am the elected president of student council and ranked first (unweighted) in a class of 700 students. Recently, I found out that I was not chosen as our valedictorian because a cumulative gpa was used for calculations. I was "behind" our val by 0.1 of a percent. I've felt horrible, bitter, and jealous ever since I found out. </p>

<p>Maybe it's because of CC, maybe it's the way I was raised, maybe it's just my personality, but I feel I am way too competitive.</p>

<p>I get jealous (though I don't show it) when someone (sometimes even a friend) wins an award that I didn't. It makes me feel inadequate. I think you guys know what I mean. I have trouble "feeling happy" for other people's accomplishments. I know it sounds extremely selfish and egotistical but its just how I feel. </p>

<p>It's interesting because I feel like I everything I've ever worked for has always been motivated by material rewards (scholarships, grades, awards, etc), and not for the sake of actually learning. I'm motivated by the pleasure of winning and victory, not self fulfillment. </p>

<p>This coming fall, I will be attending an ivy. I'm worried that my cutthroat competitive attitude will cause me troubles in the near future not only in terms of academics but also in building relationships with other top students.</p>

<p>Could someone give me some advice?</p>

<p>You're screwed in the future if you cant get over trivial things.</p>

<p>That's definitely false... As a matter of fact, unless you're going to be content working an average job, with an average spouse, living an average life, that competitive force is an advantage.</p>

<p>It takes a competitive drive to make a lot of things happen. Just face it, being a top student, you're naturally going to be competing with other top students. It's the academic world, and it's the business world as well..</p>

<p>There's a difference between being competitive and *****ing over trivial things. He cant change what happened. Jealousy? Stupid. Overly competitive? What if he does worse than expected? It could lead to a downward spiral. </p>

<p>Competitiveness is generally fine. As most believe, too much of anything is a bad thing.</p>

<p>I suggest counseling, something you'll be able to get probably for free at the Ivy that you'll be going to. I'm also sure that counseling center will be experienced with helping students with your kind of concerns.</p>

<p>Since no matter how smart you are and how hard you work, you will never win all of the time, you'll be destined to be miserable a lot unless you find other ways of feeling joy and success in your life. In reading your post, I am more concerned about how much unhappiness your attitude is resulting in for yourself than I'm concerned about your relationships with others since it seems that other people aren't aware of your bitterness, misery and jealousy when they are successful.</p>

<p>Being that competitive is not a good thing. It's to the point where you feel inadequate - you expect too much from yourself. That will only bring about low self-esteem, which could lead to a plethora of problems (like depression, stress, anxiety, loneliness, etc.) It can also lead to poor academic performance. You're only hurting yourself.</p>

<p>Reward yourself for accomplishments, remind yourself of your strengths, forgive yourself when you don't do all that you hoped, and plan fun and relaxing activities for yourself. If it gets serious, you can always seek some counseling or therapy.</p>

<p>I personally am the same way as you Joseph. Maybe my case is a bit worse... However, being competitive like this will definitley help us in the long run. You have to remember that the competitive nature is what drives us all. Some people just happen to have that competitive nature more than others. As for the material awards, I'm sure most of the student population are motivated by grades, awards, etc. It's just human nature. Good luck at the ivy you are attending. Im sure you will succeed with that competitive nature. BTW what ivy are you attending?</p>

<p>It's okay to be competitive, but not to the point where you just hate everyone who gets something you don't. I am definitely competitive, but that doesn't mean that I won't be happy for my friends, if they happen to get a nice award. I usually get over the jealousy after a day. Being a perfectionist type of person, I can understand WHY you want everything, but just realize that that's never going to happen. Accepting that fact right now will make life much easier later on.</p>

<p>It is okay to be competitive to a certain point. Up to a point, it will give you drive to accomplish things. But if you're too competitive, bad things happen. What happens when you've accomplished it all - when you're the CEO of a giant company and pulling in millions of dollars a year? Then what? Where do you pull your happiness from? In too many cases you don't and it leads to unhappiness. For example, in The Great Gatsby, Tom is described as having achieved everything by the age of 21, having passed the climax of his life and this leads to unhappiness for him.</p>

<p>Or, even worse, what if you can't accomplish what you aim for? Then you are also unhappy, but things could get worse - as you said, a feeling of inadequacy - and that's not good either.</p>

<p>Based on your description, I would say that you are a bit too competitive and it will probably lead to unhappiness later on - ESPECIALLY if you're going to an Ivy where everyone is smart. Mere jealousy is fine, not a big deal (assuming it's not insanely jealous) but when it gets worse, that's when you'll be unhappy.</p>

<p>I think you are correct to be worried that your attitude will cause serious problems, whether during your bachelor's degree or sometime later in life. The problem is not so much that you like to win, but that you get angry or jealous when others succeed. I agree with another commenter that counseling or therapy could be useful. Your honesty makes me feel that you will be able to make real progress. If you have time to keep us posted about that, I'd be very interested to read about it, since it might be educational for me.</p>

<p>I get angry when I feel beaten and I see lots of situations in competitive terms, so I am angry a lot. I'm planning to talk to a therapist about this. I also plan to work on thinking more about other people's feelings, since an article I found makes me feel that this could be useful.</p>

<p>The article is from the LA Times of Nov. 28 2005. It's titled "Competition freaks", and it costs $4 since it's from their archives. I think you'd find it interesting, but it's no substitute for talking to a counselor, especially since much of the article is about extreme cases. Here are some excerpts:</p>

<p>Psychologists have long understood that the source of motivation for everyone -- athletes, dieters, you name it -- can be rooted in either an internal quest for excellence or an external motivator such as a trophy, money or fawning recognition from others.</p>

<p>Internally motivated people are less likely to be hypercompetitive. They lack that constant push for recognition.</p>

<p>In contrast, studies suggest that external motivation is central to the hypercompetitive psyche.</p>

<p>...</p>

<p>The researchers found that sportsmanship didn't relate to what the sport or activity was, or even how intensely competitive the event might be. What mattered were qualities associated with internal motivation -- such as enhanced self-esteem and a desire not to win but to master the task.</p>

<p>In contrast, the athletes who said in a questionnaire that they participated in sports for external rewards such as social status and beating a competitor also scored as less sportsmanlike. They were also far less effectively competitive, losing focus and lacking internal self-discipline.</p>

<p>Those who are externally motivated often think "their self-worth is contingent on winning," says John Tauer, a professor of psychology at the University of St. Thomas in St. Paul, Minn., who has studied achievement and internal motivation. "When they start any activity, their first thought is, 'I need to win.' "</p>

<p>...</p>

<p>Hypercompetitive people typically may succeed in many parts of their lives, but interpersonal, especially intimate, relations are often deeply troubled, says psychiatrist Eickelberg. A 2002 study in the Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology examined romantic relationships of hypercompetitive people and found these people "reported lower levels of honest communication with the partner, greater infliction of pain on him or her, stronger feelings of possessiveness, higher levels of mistrust, stronger needs to control their partner, lower ability to take their perspective, and higher levels of conflict."</p>

<p>...</p>

<p>The empathy gulf can be huge. Eickelberg sometimes asks his patients to figure out what a spouse is thinking or feeling. "I often get the response, 'I drew a blank' or 'I think she was doing good.' ... Gradually you see that these are people who probably lack a healthy capacity to understand other people. And that is where you begin."</p>

<p>Slowly, through a combination of good old-fashioned talk and behavioral therapy, a transformation can gradually take place. A hypercompetitor decides to volunteer in a school for disadvantaged kids, or devotes less time to the office, or reaches out to a spouse or a child in ways that were impossible before.</p>

<p>I will give you this: Competition is essential to success. Everyone from Albert Einstein to Charles Darwin was aware of their status in comparison to that of others; it's how they calculated their recognition. </p>

<p>However, you already have your recognition. You're salutorian! .1 points means only that he/she took one more AP than you did, or something similar. Perhaps he/she gamed the system before you did. You still learned a hell of a lot, I'm assuming, AND you are aware of your competitive rank. Just don't let it eat away at you. What's done is done.</p>

<p>I assume you still don't feel so hot about it though, so let's give an example. Pretend you're sitting in the folding chairs at one of my hs's recent graduation ceremonies. The salutorian gets up (friend's brother, actually). </p>

<p>I'll paraphrase his speech:
"So I'm not in first place. BUT I COULD TOTALLY GIVE THIS SPEECH IN LATIN if I wanted to! Because I'm going to be studying Latin at PRINCETON next year! See, look, I don't care about second place because I'm still smart! PRINCETON, Y'ALL!" (Obviously, I exaggerated. But not exhorbitantly, as my friend can tell you.)</p>

<p>I'm not saying he's not an incredibly intelligent person. He ended up choosing UPenn's Wharton business school, has traveled abroad extensively, and from what I can tell, has infiltrated the European business community successfully. And the only reason he was second place was because the valeodictorian knew the system; she took a 6 point weighted course that is traditionally taken in 10th grade instead of a 9th grade elective. </p>

<p>So I understand why he (and why YOU) feel competitive, and in this case, second-best. But there is a balance between competition and happiness. The reason for competition is to garner success, and the reason for success is garnering happiness. When you lose that last link, the one to happiness, you lose perspective. </p>

<p>Let competition drive you to your goals, but don't let it drive you as a person. And do remember, that at hyper-competitive Ivy's, a true love of learning will be far more respected by profs than will joining an over-saturated market for the highest GPA. </p>

<p>Best of luck, Joseph!</p>

<p>At least you spelled "competitive" correctly. You have no idea how many are people are like, "OMG!!!!1 i'm soooo competativve!!"</p>

<p>the 1st step is admitting it..a lot of people don't realize it and it takes a lot of strength.</p>

<p>That said, most people feel a LOT of envy but just don't acknowledge it. It is even natural for you to get a <em>twinge</em> when someone (even a bff) gets an award that you somewhat wanted. </p>

<p>A lot of people at my school take it too far, and sometimes I think of crazy stuff and feel jealous for a bit, too. So to justcalm down and feel proud about what I've done, I make a list. Make a list of whatever thing you're most proud of, for example, every award you've gotten, ecs you're in, grade you're proud of, or sat and sat ii. Personally, this makes me feel better, but if you don't like any of your "stats" or whatever, just list all the things that make you happy. </p>

<p>Also, on a practical note, "fake" happiness (just read the rest! I don't mean it the way it sounds here) for a person when they get an award. I'm not saying to be like, "Oh! I'm so happy you got that award that you didn't deserve at all!" with a smile. I mean, fake it until you MAKE it. Fake it until you get an instinct of "yay! my friend got an award! I'm so happy for her/him!". This always works for me, if I pretend to be happy and relaxed and confident, I soon enough am!</p>

<p>Joseph 123- I applaud you for taking accountability and requesting help. However, I am curious about the support group you have at home. Have you spoken with your parents about this obsessiveness and if so what was their take on it? Somehow I think that if you start working on becoming less competitive when you get to your upcoming IVY, this obsessivenes may not be the number one thing. This is because you may come to the reality that there are hundreds of other kids that far exceed what you bring to the table, and it will either send you into depression or make you start accepting yourself for who you are. I definitely hope for the later for you.</p>

<p>Do you have siblings and how are you towards them? . At the end of the day, however successful you become, you can only sleep in one bed at a time, drive one car at a time, even if you have several. This will be a work in progress so start now, and while it may not be easy, start by complementing your peers if they win an award, its ok to say boy i wish it was me, but I'm happy for you. Say it only if you mean it though!</p>

<p>I think it nearly impossible to "learn for the sake of actually learning" these days.
Too much teaching to the test.</p>

<p>You just have to go with the flow if you want to go places in life.</p>

<p>haha what's an "average spouse"? what.?</p>

<p>okay, i bet 99% of ppl on CC are like you, even if they don't show it and would criticize you for it. that's nothing you should go to therapy for -____- but you gotta know that some things are more important than others, such as going to a better college is much more important than being valedictorian!! get your priorities right--and it's normal to feel supercompetitive about something important such as getting into a top college, but you shouldn't be as cutthroat over something that DOESN"T MATTER ANYMORE such as whose GPA was higher.</p>