I would greatly appreciate ANY criticism in regard to my essay!!

<p>My dad was born in Algeria. My mom was born in Russia. I was born in Paris. We all live in New York.</p>

<p>New York is the city I love. It is the home of the United Nations but also of the tragedy of 9/11. It is the city of the chic boutiques and the city of Harlem slums. It is the city of strong, sometimes violent contrasts, but it is also the city of sunsets over the Hudson, the Carnegie Hall, and the most amazing food smells of street side vendors. It is the city of countless languages and ethnicities all mixed into one unforgettable, multicultural, sonorous and breathing being. </p>

<p>This city I love reflects exactly what I am today. The enticing smells of my Russian grandmother’s borscht or cabbage pirozjkis, books in all the different languages our family speaks, the sounds of French or Berber music -- all these little fragments of my everyday life make up our house; a microcosm of New York, with the same tumult of diverse cultures and intense, sometimes happy and sometimes angry emotions. I could almost say that my family is a case study in international relations.</p>

<p>My interests are as varied and diverse as the city itself. I love sports; especially hockey, and have dedicated many years and hours to this exhilarating and physically enduring game. It is a sport that requires bravery and audacity while also encouraging team spirit and camaraderie. Whether I am trying to balance an 80 + game hockey season and Varsity football, or training people at my gym in the time off, I have developed a strong sense of time management allowing me to partake in these various activities. </p>

<p>I also love music, especially jazz, and have been playing piano since I was six years old. In addition, I have been playing the Alto Saxophone for approximately seven years now, practicing both daily. I believe that music is tremendously important as it makes us gentler, kinder, and more spiritual beings. It opens up our hearts in a way that only the most beautiful things can.</p>

<p>But most importantly, I love people. I love hearing the stories told by people of various cultures, colors and personalities. I love sharing mine as well. I believe everyone out there has a great story to tell; if only we cared to listen. </p>

<p>I sincerely believe that listening to one another, truly listening, could make a huge difference in this world of ours, between war, peace, love, and indifference. </p>

<p>The focus of my future studies is political science and international relations. Perhaps it sounds immodest, but I really do believe that I have what it takes: the necessary mix of curiosity and confidence, kindness and bravery, open mindedness and awareness. Needless to say, I have so much more to learn, both about myself and the world around me.</p>

<p>And what better way to do it than by going to college, a cultural melting pot where everyone comes together as one family.</p>

<ol>
<li><p>You might not want to put up your essay because someone might steal it. PMs to people you trust might work better.</p></li>
<li><p>Essays that are good are more likely to be stolen. This essay is pretty good.</p></li>
<li><p>I love the contrast in your first paragraph that sets up and links all your later paragraphs as being related. </p></li>
<li><p>You have a good ear for language - nice use of word choice and structure.</p></li>
<li><p>My one criticism of the essay is that it seems too broad and unfocused - of course, you’re trying to simulate kind of a “melting pot” with it, but I think it jumps around without explaining enough.</p></li>
<li><p>Also, the last sentence seems kind of…trite</p></li>
<li><p>See number 1. It’s that important</p></li>
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