<p>I'm on the verge of agreeing that I indeed set myself up for failure at the beginning of my high school career. Those hopes for Stanford, the expectations for debate and my numerous other extracurriculars, the efforts taken to maintain the weighty position of valedictorian. Essentially, I was too ambitious for my own good, and I know will pay the price for this.</p>
<p>So much stress has engulfed me. Perhaps since I got the lead female role in our high school's first ever musical production. The feedback has been negative. Lots of slanderous e-mails. I never was liked in a mainstream sense, but I just can't understand how the cast list of one musical production has evoked such spite. </p>
<p>Oh, and I finally learned to stand up for myself by telling a classmate that I would no longer let her disrespect me and use me in instances in which she needed "help" (when in actuality, I would complete the homework for her) in AP US History. Apparently she was so affronted by what I told her that she marched off to the counselor's office and made some fabrications. Upon being questioned by authorities, I found out that she had falsely accused me of planning to bring a firearm to school and shoot every student who happened to be Mormon (as she is Mormon herself and would use her minority religion as cause for me to act threateningly). Well, word spreads fast, so you can imagine that not many people are too eager to be around me. Thankfully the administration had investigated the situation thoroughly, so I stand innocent. But I know that I have to brace myself, because I sense things could get worse.</p>
<p>And yes, I'll admit that I need to toughen up. Come on. I let everything that has happened get to me. And as a result, I had a psychotic episode which eventually landed me in a psychiatric hospital for a week and a half. I already have bipolar disorder and a problem with panic attacks, and I feel like I'm just trapped in a vortex where my thoughts will never be clear. It's harder for me to get my work done without feeling fatigued or disgusted with whatever I have completed. I try to think of positive thoughts. I try to forget about rank and GPA and instead focus on doing my best. But now, I feel like my best can never be what it once was. Although my teachers are aware of my situation, I can't help but think that they see me as someone who wasn't cut out for anything great. Who knows...</p>
<p>I'm sorry if I irked any of you. Just thought that maybe a bit of public ranting would perhaps relieve me of the tension I'm feeling right now. I know that medication will not be the solution to all my problems, that the majority of the process must be completed with my own initiative and willingness to improve. I'm a junior now, and I just hope that if only I could gather the strength and confidence to go through the day with an intact mentality, perhaps this year won't be so difficult.</p>
<p>I was having psychotic episodes in which I was a threat to myself and others. My mom called for help after I absentmindedly grabbed a butcher knife and held it towards my throat. I don't remember the incident clearly, but my mom retold the knife account to me when she visited me. I had lost touch with reality and when I was admitted to the hospital, told the doctors that I had been hearing small voices for six months now, but didn't think it was such a big deal to tell anyone about it.</p>
<p>So apparently, you can already tell that I'm not stable enough to even take care of myself nowadays. It's going to take a lot of work and time for me to prove otherwise, because my teachers and family are watching me like a hawk.</p>
<p>Dang.
Well feel free to continue ranting. Situations like the girl turning you in for something as untrue as that deserve a thourough ranting. I hope everything works out for the best for you.</p>
<p>I just read your post and got chills. My nephew was in a similiar situation as you about 3 years ago. Bright boy, so much going for him but he had OCD, and was diagnosed as mildly bipolar. He refused medication, and continue on his downward spiral. His junior year was a disaster, but early into the 12th grade he decided he had hit rock bottom, agreed to therapy and medication, within about a month the full effects were being seen and this marked the start of a wonderful turning point after suffering so long. While he had once had his heart set on Yale, he ended up going to the best school he got into, U of Chicago and then as a sophemore transfered to Yale. He experienced much of what you described, you are not alone. This is a tough and very stressful time. Even the most stable kids are prone to acting out and feeling like they are having a meltdown, believe me, my S included!</p>
<p>Do you have people to talk to about this, such as professionals? Teachers? Family? Friends. The girl who falsely reported you sounds more troubled than you do, I hope someone is getting her help too.</p>
<p>Your year is not ruined, hopefully you have a strong support system, this is first and foremost and is what will get you through the toughest times. You have to realize your senior year will go by with the blink of an eye, your grades and accomplishments will far outlast any hardships you are having with classmates. Life is work, nothing comes easy anymore...our society is very complex. Make sure you have a healthy outlet and someone to express yourself to, and don't ever hold it in, like my nephew did. Don't be so proud that you won't accept the proper help.
We are all here, to hear you rant, offer you support and hopefully give you words of wisdom to get through your tough period. I am a Mom of 3 and trust me, I have been through a great deal myself. Good luck!</p>
<p>Thank you all for your feedback. I very much appreciate everything you had to say.</p>
<p>ctmomof3, thank you for sharing your nephew's experience. I am glad that he is now doing well. </p>
<p>I do have a support system. After learning of my stay in the hospital, the school district agreed to provide counseling for me once a week. My teachers know that I'm in a rather delicate condiiton right now, but they don't know the specifics, except for my history teacher, whom I know I can talk with without shame or hesitation. Of course, my parents are rather frustrated with my state, and I really hate to be a burden, but I appreciate everything they have done for me. They've undergone a lot of stress attributed to my condition, and I can't thank them enough for their efforts to lead me to recovery. </p>
<p>I think I'll wait a little while to tell my friends the extremity of my disorder. They all know I'm bipolar, but they really don't understand the impact the disorder has on my health and capability to think clearly. Personally, I think that it's all a matter of trusting them fully to not spread the word about what's going on. After all, my parents told me to never tell anyone about my stay at the psychiatric hospital, for obvious reasons.</p>
<p>Again, thank you. Your words of support really are movitivating me to get back on track, stay on track, and eventually succeed.</p>
<p>Yeah, the kids in high school are pretty bad.</p>
<p>I'm just curious, does the counseling actually help you? I've been forced to go to counseling before, and it just annoyed me. It must work on some people though.</p>
<p>The counseling does help me, as I was told to set three goals that I wanted to get accomplished within a certain amount of time seeing the counselor. With every session, we work on those goals, as well as focus on some coping skills involving stress and peer interaction. Counseling truly allows me to let all my emotions go, to express myself without embarrassment while knowing that I'm going to receive adequate help as long as I put in a great deal of my own personal effort.</p>
<p>Lovely, I am so glad the help and support here has given you some temporary comfort. It is so important to speak up and let others know what you are going through, that is something my nephew did not do for a long time and he really got himself in a hole. Therapy can be a real turning point if you have a great connection with the right person, which it sounds like you do. I am glad you are going to keep going for your goals, you sound like a bright, capable and insightful young lady. I truly wish you all the luck there is to give.:)</p>
<p>I don't see why you tell random people on the Internet things you don't even tell to your friends (such as the incident with the butcher's knife). I agree that you shouldn't tell your friends because high schoolers can be pretty nasty, but why are you telling us?</p>
<p>I guess venting one's anger does help to relieve stress, and you seeming to be suffering from A LOT of stress.</p>
<p>Venting to strangers on the internet is very popular, that's what blogs are for. On the internet you don't have to deal with people giving you weird looks when you say something weird.</p>
<p>Prot- It should be obvious, she is objective here, of course that is why she chose this venue to vent. You are not judged in the same way and by being honest, it will not compromise certain trusts that you have placed in a friend if you are not sure how they will react.</p>