@beebee3 at this point, family members do host showers of all kinds. That’s not unusual these days.
Could someone correct me if I’m wrong…it sounds like girl twin is hosting the shower for boy twin’s wife. But wasn’t that the shower that was supposed to be for both mothers to be? If so…I’ve never heard of a mother to be hosting her own baby shower. Or did I misunderstand something.
@thumper1 Yes, this thread has made it clear that families hosting showers is more common. It also seems to have created more problems, specific to that choice.
My nephew’s wife hosted her own shower 
To be exact it is 80 miles away and 1 hour and 15 minutes. I’m sorry if it takes you two hours to drive that where you are but it is a very easy drive from here. There are even people who live here and commute to there for work. I grew up in the hometown they live in and it is simple for me to drive up, take my mom to lunch and drive back.
Mother in law is upset, not resentful. She was indeed willing to throw the shower. Girl twin is hurt, resentful I don’t know. Definitely not martyrs and they are not spiteful, tit for tat people. Girl twin offered to throw and host the shower when it was decided it would not be a dual shower and the aunts could no longer be co hosts. Mother in law is helping. Just because she’s willing to do something nice for the sister in law she’s upset with, does not make her a martyr. That’s just a silly comment.
The mother in law and girl twins aunts were going to host the dual shower. When it was decided it would be two showers instead the aunts backed out of hosting because they did not want to show a preference and some can’t make both showers. That is when girl twin offered to host and throw the shower.
As I said in an earlier post, I am the one who finds this an interesting scenario and I am the one who asked if it is selfish or justified. The twins and their family are handling it just fine and have accommodated boy twins wife totally. I’m still in the selfish camp as is girl twin. Mother in law (grandmother to be) is neutral and not resentful. She’s in the whatever happens happens camp.
Then I’m in the camp of…if this works for them…it’s fine. Do I think some of the story is a little weird. Sure. Especially the part about the pregnant twin hosting a shower at all for anyone when she is very pregnant. But if all of this works for this family, that is really all that matters.
I am finding this ver interesting
I think the mil and the sil are being so nice to their son/brother’s wife. I think that they are being gracious and accommodating for the sake of family unity.
It’s good to try so that the family can stay together and holidays can be celebrated and enjoyed.
But as someone who had a sil who seems similar, I held my tongue and we had many happy family gatherings.
I also wondered about the etiquette of the situation. S decided he wanted a family baby shower, and I told him no, you don’t host your own. So his sister hosted, for family, on line. But apparently that is wrong as well? Regardless, this was all family, 3 continents, multiple states.
As a parent of twins, these things can be fraught, though I have 2 girls. A great deal of flex is sometimes needed for spouses of twins as the twin dynamic can be quite the force to contend with.
The son’s wife gave 3 weekends she was available and does not want to travel 90 minutes to a shower date that she is not available for? I think I’m missing something here and would be curious about her(and her family’s) side of the story. I apologize if I am not understanding everything that is going on here as it seems a little complicated.
You’re not the only one who’s taken aback by how prevalent it’s become for people to throw showers and other gift oriented parties for family members. Among my relatives and friends when I was growing up, it was considered not fitting. Clearly it’s become pretty common.
My mother hosted several showers and teas for her friends’ adult children. A couple of them in turn offered to host a bridal shower for me, and since I had no time off from a new job they held a proxy shower.
Had a friend of each of the expectant couples offered to host a shower for them in their current city, that would have prevented the hurt feelings and upset.
The male twin’s wife comes off looking especially poorly, IMHO, but perhaps there are some extenuating circumstances. I have problems traveling but don’t choose to share my medical history with all and sundry. I hope that anyone who might be impacted by my choice to not travel would assume I have a good reason.
I don’t know why this scenario tickles me so, but it does.
The DIL seems like the only one who sets firm boundaries, something that no one else seems able to do. The DIL already is having a shower where she lives. If the MIL or the aunts or the pg SIL are hurt or resentful or whatever, don’t throw a shower. This is their choice. They have agency.
I think the thing that made me laugh is how inconceivable it is that the DIL wants to go to a football game. Who knew when dh and I were getting married that our NBA team would be in the playoffs and playing two hours before our ceremony? We agreed that I wouldn’t walk down the aisle until the game was over. We had TVs in my dressing area and his. Anyone who knows me knows that we schedule events around the Cowboys and Longhorns in the fall, and that can include the volleyball team. I seriously can’t imagine a good friend or relative of mine scheduling a party for me during a time when they know my teams are playing. At least not without having a TV in every room.
Do I think her wanting her own shower is a little princess-y instead of embracing the idea of the future cousins sharing this event? Yes. But I get red flags from the boy twin’s family, too, so I’m not willing to string up the DIL without having heard her side.
I also didn’t get why it was so terrible the DIL wanted to go to a football game! Maybe they have season tickets, maybe she told them she was going to the game and she was ignored, maybe they want a fun outing before the reality of a new baby hits. Who knows. And I agree about the whole concept of this new family setting boundaries with their families of origin . We just don’t know what is really going on here and hope it all works out with no hard feelings for anyone involved.
I’ve got friends who are incredibly overbearing with their in-law children and insist “I treat them the same as I do my own kids”. Which is true- emeshed and over-involved.
I’ve got friends who in general are very respectful of their adult children (and spouses) boundaries except for a few hot-button issues- holidays, family weddings, the 50th anniversary celebrations of great-aunts, etc.
I have friends who “count”- who spent Thanksgiving where last year, who sent a card for Mother’s Day vs. who took a day off of work on Friday beforehand, drove 300 miles so they could celebrate a “Mother’s Weekend”. And of course- Christmas Eve, who got the photos taken of the kids opening gifts, who brought 10 varieties of home baked cookies vs. the one of “phoned it in” by bringing a box from nice bakery.
It takes a good and close friend to be able to say in a loving way “You need to back off” or “I don’t think we should be discussing this” or “Actually, I see your son-in-law’s point of view” or “Why do you feel this way, your in-law children are kind and respectful and hard-working, and if they don’t spend their leisure time with the family, is that so terrible?”
I’m not always that good friend. Sometimes I listen and roll my eyes. But I hope someone is that good a friend to me…
Or sometimes a good and close friend just listens without interjecting their opinion. And then comes to an anonymous forum to have a discussion with differing points of view 
This has been an enlightening discussion and I appreciate all opinions as I’ve tried to see it from all sides, Although their are many who have interjected scenarios that aren’t even close to the actual situation but that’s to be expected. Definitely can see both sides of the issue.
Add me to the list of people surprised that people hold showers for their close family members. Apparently it’s been proper now for quite a while?
You are absolutely right – if respective friends had held the showers for the two expectant mothers, there wouldn’t have been all the hurt feelings.
The mother of the girl twin is supposedly so easygoing and “whatever works” about it all, yet she is upset. She apparently discussed it with people, trying to see how they felt about it. Now I’m wondering what the atmosphere is going to be like at the dil’s shower that the girl twin is having for her?
Really, the best thing would have been for the girl twin to say then each family will have a separate shower.
As far as going to showers, I haven’t been to a shower in many years. The ones I’m invited to are family and states away. I decline any invitations and do NOT send a gift for the shower.
How many years have the “sprinkles” for 2nd, 3rd, etc. babies been common? They sure weren’t when I had my babies.
The wedding-industrial complex has ensured that no chance to spend money is ignored, and I think that’s bled into the having babies event, also.
I look at wedding registries sometimes, and there are so many unnecessary items on them. For wedding showers, the couple is often already living together, so what exactly do they still need? Probably not much.
Funny how some customs are less common now (father “giving away” the bride, wedding cake, garter and bouquet tosses, not seeing the bride before the ceremony, etc.), but the ones involving money have become so important (lavish weddings, expected bridal party trips, etc.).
I just want to comment on bridal registries for couples living together. My husband and I dated for 5 years after college before we got engaged. During those 5 years, I had my own apartment (2 rooms but only $800 a month in the 90’s), he had 2 roommates. He moved in with me for 6 months before the wedding. Everything we owned was junk or dead aunt. I did receive some nice dishes, flat wear, pots and pans, etc. at my bridal shower which I really appreciated (did not register for China, crystal or silver, no need). I quit my job after our wedding to go to grad school full time, we were poor and lived as caretakers in a historic home in town to make ends meet. In this day and age, the majority of people don’t go from their childhood homes into a home with their spouse, and they don’t have nice things (more like college frat house stuff.)
Since people are waiting longer to get married, I would think many of them would have apartments with the necessities. Even if they didn’t at the beginning, as time goes on they make more money (advance in their careers) and can buy what they need. And then when couples live together at some point, they combine their belongings. They need wedding registries full of items when they eventually get married?
The most recent couple I know that got married (ages 29 and 31) had been living together for several years. The mother of the groom told me that they did not need stuff (for that very reason).
I agree with you. Don’t just assume the registry is frivolous or unnecessary. I didn’t get married til I was in my 30s. Everyone just assumed that my spouse and I had everything we needed. Not so. We both lived with old hand me downs and junky garage sale items. I registered for pots and pans be cause I only had two old rickety sauce pans. I did not get a single one, still have rickety cookware today.
A friend gave us a great utensil caddy with ladles, serving spoons, measuring cups etc. he actually apologized to us for that gift. Are you kidding. We still use that caddy today and he gets mentioned several times a year for one of the best gifts we received.
Listen to the couple and their wishes. You have no idea what they want or need and their registry is there to give you that information.
Honestly, if you want to continue the bridal registry conversation, open a new thread.