<p>S's high school footnball team actually had a female kicker this year!</p>
<p>It is a far greater distinction than a couple of points on an ACT.</p>
<p>Haha. You are right Mini. She wasn't very successful as a kicker but did get a lot of publicity for being the first feamle in our school system to actaully score a point for the varsity football team. She is a senior and hung with the team throughout the whole season. I'm sure it was an eye opener on her apps. and made for great college essay material.</p>
<p>Laserbrother -- At the time, I read the thread you posted a few weeks ago about which colleges to look at for your daughter, and now seeing this thread has me doubly concerned for your daughter.</p>
<p>She seems to be feeling very, very pressured to "make the grade" in your eyes -- from looking at only top, top schools, to now, not telling you the truth about her ACT scores. I recall that you were concerned that you not lose face with your friends and colleagues by having her attend a "lesser" school. Now she is trying not to lose face with you -- but in an unproductive, destructive way.</p>
<p>Accoridng to your previous thread, she's a junior -- she has time to retake the ACTs -- but regardless of her scores, there are no guarantees to USNWR top schools. Help her find a place where she will be happy and thrive -- when she is able to do those things without fear, the success will come. There are so many doors open to her, but she needs to choose the door with her name on it. </p>
<p>P.S. My oncologist is also a researcher -- did her residency, fellowship and 10 years on staff at Johns Hopkins. Went to a state school for UG and med school. She is quite a fine doc, thankfully!</p>
<p>The fact that you think a 31 is on the low side for a senior shows who is really being too hard on her.</p>
<p>Laser, just consider that as soon as the college app's are over, your daughter may start obsessing about desireable internships and research jobs; figuring out how to maximize her GPA and how to find time to cram for the MCAT's; worrying about med school interviews, etc. Once that ends, she can start to worry about her boards, prestigious residencies, the right fellowships. etc.</p>
<p>It never goes away. You can help her avoid a lifetime of measuring herself by other's expectations or values by making it clear that the important thing is that she do the things that she finds gratifying and interesting; that she pick a college that you can afford and that will provide her with appropriate academic challenges; that she choose a major based on her interests and passions, and that the rest will fall into place.</p>
<p>She's got time to worry about doing medical research.... the kid is in HS for god's sake!</p>
<p>I'll bet your D was involved in a Talent Search- 8th grade SAT. If she's been part of some gifted and talented programming be sure to read websites/ books about guiding the GT kid- there are social-emotional aspects of life as well as academic ones and you can learn how to deal with perfectionistic tendencies on both parent and child levels. This is important, she needs the skills to cope with these issues in order to continue to thrive. Other posters had good points, I'm glad you're addresssing this problem now. Given all she will learn before her next round of tests it is likely she will do even better next time. You can PM me if you want and I'll check for specific titles and websites for you.</p>
<p>ACT of 31 is NOT low!!! I know plenty of students who got into great schools with a 31 ... heck, some got into great schools with 29s & 30s!</p>
<p>D got a 26 in 9th grade. She got a 34 end of jr. year, with no prep classes or studying. Remember, SAT is a test of potential and ACT is test of what you have learned. Or so they say. It stands to reason that the score will rise as one learns more (until the "saturation point" is reached, of course).</p>
<p>Thanks to all. </p>
<p>I must say that being my children are probably harder. Due to my own poor decisions and laziness, I have become such a big loser. Earned a Ph.D. degree from one of the lowest ranking university, I am ashamed of even talking about that. Now in mid 40s, I am on a dead end job making barely 100K a year, got nothing to show for in my life. Except that, thank God, my very smart kids. </p>
<p>My D was known for her exceptional talent from very early. She was in gifted program from the first grade, with a tested IQ of about 145 (in that range and I can’t remember the exact number). She has been excelling in and out of academic most on her own effort. We let her took SAT I and ACT just to give her a sense where she is per those standard tests. Needless to say, I also set a high standard for her. </p>
<p>Since she is the only thing going on in my loser life, I am constantly talking to her about my desire for her to be the best she can be. We talked about the only way to achieve better life is the best education. In order to get that, one has to stand out in each and every way. </p>
<p>I think she is responding well to that high standard. Again, due to her being real smart, D never really have to study that hard even with 4 AP this year. She is an excellent piano player and she has started to learn Violin last year. On top of that, she is passionate in her KEY club activities. Within only one semester in the new school, she has earned the only nomination from her school for a civil service award. </p>
<p>Because she is so exceptional and because I am such a loser, I am putting the weight of my life on her. I know it is wrong for me to do that. But I can’t help it, because I got nothing else going or look forward to.</p>
<p>laserbrother,</p>
<p>It's great that you're so self-aware and upfront about your own relationship to and investment in DD's academic success. Since you know the pitfalls, I suspect you'll do a good job of avoiding them. </p>
<p>I have exactly the same tendencies (I'm an academic and DD is a very good student, but not the scholarly type, read: NERD, like dad.). After seeing early some warning signs that DD was stressing over admissions-related stuff, I really backed off, not initiating conversations about college search or admissions unless she brought it up, and providing positive feedback on school work and activities but never linking it to college. For me, this was an act of self-restraint equal to staring at a bowl my favorite ice-cream flavor and not eating.</p>
<p>In her case, it put her in charge of the process, reduced stress, and made her want to do well for intrinsic reasons, rather than seeking a certain GPA or test score. I honestly don't think she has any idea of what the standardized test score ranges are for the schools that she's interested in, which (as a junior), I don't even think is necessarily a bad thing. Hope it'll work out the same in your family; sounds like you've got an amazing, talented kid!</p>
<p>Seems to me, laserbrother, that you are anything but a loser. You have a very high paying job (earning $100,000/year means you are extremely successful). You hold a Ph.D. -- no one cares if it comes from a low-ranking school, that's still something to be proud of. You have an exceptional daughter and, I gather, at least one other great kid. If your family is happy and healthy, be thankful.</p>
<p>laserbrother, given your post #29, I would encourage you to see a therapist. I can hardly take that post at face value; imo there are many indicators in what you have said here that are contrary to your claim to be a "loser". IMO, therapy can help you, and, by helping you, can help your daughter as well.</p>
<p>Laserbrother
Earning close to $100,ooo with a PhD does not qualify you as a loser. I cannot think of many PhD's that earn more. I think people in my field average around $60, and most academics make <75,000.
What does matter is your attitude toward your job and the pay; they don't reflect your worth.
My S would never enter my field, having seen the limited pay & difficulty in relocating. My friends' children don't want to go into parents' field, be that medicine or engineering. Lawyers have told my S not to enter that field. Only my friends in academia seem happy, and most augment their income. (Of course, these parents -regardless of field--suggest different specialty areas and career paths that they wish they had taken.)</p>
<p>Somehow we need to convey more interest in work and more hope about potential. We also can be more assertive in shaping our worklives and finding ways to obtain satisfaction.</p>
<p>laserbrother, if you have a Ph.D. and a job earning almost $100K a year, you are not a loser -- you are a high achiever who for some reason or other can't recognize or acknowledge your own success. It doesn't matter the prestige level of your Ph.D. -- a Ph.d. in and of itself is impressive. And $100K (or thereabouts) is at the top echelon of earners in our society. </p>
<p>I don't have a Ph.D and I have never earned anything close to $100K -- my earnings are only about half of that -- and I consider myself to be very successful. I have a rewarding job that I enjoy and which lets me set my own hours and work mostly from home. </p>
<p>So the only thing "loser" about you is your own attitude -- somehow or other rather than taking pride in what you have, you have apparently fallen into the habit of putting yourself down. </p>
<p>Please don't do to your daughter what you have done to yourself. If your daughter defines "success" in terms of a need to have higher test scores now or a higher paying job in 10 years..... she is going to miss out on the opportunity to really get the most out of her life. This is especially important for a young woman, because sooner or later most women find they need to make some compromises with their career goals if they want to raise children of their own -- there just aren't enough hours in the day to stay at the head of the career track and also give your own kids the time and attention they need. So "success" for a woman often is about finding the right balance in life, rather than always trying to get ahead. </p>
<p>You are right that an education is important -- but your daughter can get an excellent education whether or not she gets into whatever prestige college she is targeting. Please encourage her to have a more realistic and accepting attitude. </p>
<p>The problem is that if you always set incredibly lofty goals for yourself and then judge yourself by whether or not you have reached those goals, you never see how much you have accomplished. For your daughter, it is a path that will lead her straight to the same degree of unhappiness that you feel about your own life -- that she is ashamed of a 31 on the ACT is just the same as your being ashamed that your earnings fall short of $100k. It's too bad, because the world is full of people who feel enormously proud and successful with much less... and you have far more but call yourself a loser.</p>
<p>OT. </p>
<p>Where do you guys live? 40 some years old Ph.D. making less than 100K is unheard of here. Futhermore, I know few if any family of less than 150K a year income other than some retired folks. </p>
<p>About seeing a therapist. They don't pay your mortgage nor give you a new job.<br>
What can they do other than give you some pills to generate an fake feeling of happiness? Is not Jim Bean cheaper than that? </p>
<p>O.k. I don't have any real friend and I rarely social with any one outside the family. Because I see everyone else has something going on except me. I don't believe a therapist could do any real thing for me.</p>
<p>I think that you, in working with a therapist, can improve your self-image, your self-respect. Doing that can indeed help you, in due course, to find a better or more suitable job--as well as a better outlook on, and experience in, life generally--and a better experience for your daughter as well.</p>
<p>But here's a way to take a trial run. Consider looking at the book "The Portable Therapist" by Susanna McMahon. It is available, new or used, at:</p>
<p>The author takes two or three pages each to answer basic questions that clients often ask therapists. For example: "How do I accept myself as I am?", "Why don't I have self-esteem naturally?", "How do I begin to love and take care of myself?", "Why am I so angry?". There are about 80 such questions in all. You can see all of the questions at (click on "Table of Contents"):</p>
<p>laserbrother. Please forgive me but it's almost hard to believe this is a real post. I guess it's my bias living out here in Northern California and having a psychologist for a brother. It's almost religion in this part of the world that you can change your emotional status by working with a professional. In your case, no need maybe for deep research into your personal history. Maybe that kind of work doesn't fit you or your cultural or personal background. But even cognitive therapy, just training yourself to talk differently to yourself, to think differently about yourself, could relieve the sense you have of being a loser. It's the American way - optimism. And your daughter is growing up in America. Maybe we are all deluded:) but at least it's a shared delusion. Sure, the whole "follow your bliss" thing is a little exagerated, and sure, earning a living is very hard. But your perspective can alter your experience profoundly - really. It can. </p>
<p>We are just a fairly anonymous group of parents on an Internet board. But I believe there is a collective wisdom here and you can benefit. Take heart. You must be young. Your kids have a long life ahead of them. Put yourself into a state to enjoy it.</p>
<p>Written 1/4:
[quote]
We are of a low income family. I bring home a salary, DD does tutoring and babysitting, and DS cut lawn in summer for neighbors. We probably could not pay much even if we only ate two meals a day. We feel really bad because my DD is really a decent student.
[/quote]
</p>
<p>Written today:
[quote]
Now in mid 40s, I am on a dead end job making barely 100K a year, got nothing to show for in my life.
[/quote]
</p>
<p>laserbrother, are you funnin' with us? $100K doesn't make you rich in a lot of places, but it isn't low income anywhere, is it?</p>
<p>Ok Laser, have it your way. You are poor, don't need therapy, and are in a dead end job paying 100K a year due to your own laziness and lack of a prestigious degree.
Now to answer your questions: Yes, your daughter is too hard on herself. Yes, it's probably your fault for putting undue pressure on her. Yes, she has probably internalized your own lack of self esteem which is why she cannot take pride in her own accomplishments.</p>
<p>Happy now?</p>
<p>laserbrother</p>
<p>I live in VT and very few of the people I know make as much as you do. I have a Ph.D from a big state U. I'm proud of it and no one has seemed to care where I got my degrees. Since I'm a psychologist, I know people can and do change their self-image because I see people do it all the time.</p>
<p>Antidepressants don't produce a fake happy feeling; they correct a chemical imbalance in the brain. I have no idea if you need antidepressants, but I'm sure you could learn to feel better about yourself. The book mentioned by ADad could be a good place to start.</p>