<p>Hi everyone, I haven't seen this topic before, but I'm new here, so please point me in the right direction if I missed it. My S is our first of 3 and an introspective, geeky type, although has outgoing friends, lots of ECs, sports, cmmty service, work. He's just more comfortable on his own. He will be a senior this year and in going through all of his options, I'm wondering if anyone has any advice on whether he should be looking at schools that would help him break out of his shell, or ones that will have other students like him, loners, but happy. TIA</p>
<p>There have been several threads about shy, or less socially outgoing students. IMO, these students do well in schools with a residantial college system. This provides a base “family” for the student for the 4 years. Great way to feel a sense of community, even if not a social butterfly.</p>
<p>This is a good chance for your child to show you the right direction for HIM . You won’t find a college that features shy ,quiet types ! Many shy types are naturally drawn to more extroverted kids . Except for college interviews , shyness should not be a problem ! It’s harder for extroverted parents !</p>
<p>My S sounds somewhat like yours. Although he was a 3-season athlete who greatly enjoyed his team relationships, and had a group of good friends in HS, he is definitely an introvert, an intellectual, etc. He is not socially awkward, but he is not the BMOC type at all.</p>
<p>He chose School A over School B largely because he found the kids he met at School B during admitted students weekend to be on the cold side and socially awkward. (I went there myself as a grad student and love the place, and I know a number of perfectly socially secure people who went there as undergrads, but alas, that was his experience.) He told me that he was afraid that if he went there, he would become one of those people who never come out of their room.</p>
<p>He chose School A, which definitely has a more outgoing, extroverted student body. Not only that, but he eventually joined a frat, which has provided him with a close circle of friends as well as the opportunity to expand his social horizons by doing things like arranging formals and social events. He has definitely experienced growth in that area.</p>
<p>I agree with jym626 that schools with residential colleges are great for this type of student, but unfortunately neither of my S’s top choices had them. It seems that a number of schools, such as Princeton and Williams, have taken steps in recent years to try to construct a residential college system even though their buildings are not really set up for it. Yale, Rice, and Harvard already have the full-fledged thing. I’m sure there are others that I don’t know about.</p>
<p>Shy people often lack social skills. He may have just never learned how to start a conversation and keep it going. Does he do OK around family and close friends? Do you think he is really just caught up in his own feelings and thoughts or do you think he is highly self conscious? I think a lot of people are naturally introverted but shyness needs to be overcome (IMO) or your S will have a difficult time with job interviews etc. I would encourage him to put himself out there. He doesn’t need to be the life of the party by any means but he should challenge himself to get out of his comfort zone. Senior year is a good time to do this as his peers are starting to mature and often become more accepting of each other. Don’t wait for college as he will just have one less year of practice.</p>
<p>My D is definitely the introvert, geeky type. I agree with fauxmaven- your S will lean towards one experience or the other. We found in touring colleges that the larger, very active (school spiritish) did not feel welcoming to D. The people were very nice but not “her people”. D ended up choosing a very alternative, but accepting, small college (Hampshire). So, if you can, visit one or two of each of the kind of schools and let your S get the feel for that kind of school. Any college will have opportunities for him to break out of his shell, if that is what he chooses.</p>
<p>There has been lots of CC chat about shy kids. I really took to heart someone’s “you can lead a horse to water. . .” comment. The poster meant that many parents think a smaller school would be better for a shy/quiet kid–that whole smaller class/more interaction with the professor thing. But quiet kids can be just as quiet in a class of 12 as a class of 200. They might even prefer the anonymity of larger classes.</p>
<p>DS#1 is about as chatty a human as I know and ended up at a LAC (although was playing a DIII sport). DS#2 is v-e-r-y quiet, and will be heading off for his freshman year in a few weeks to a school with 15,000 undergrads. He looked at schools from 1,200 kids to 38,000 and this is where he landed.</p>
<p>Try not to have too many pre-conceived notions about what would be best for your son. I agree that it’d be best to let him look at a range of sizes of schools and see what he prefers.</p>
<p>I think it is particularly helpful for shy kids to live in the dorm freshman year.</p>
<p>Based on the OP’s post, a school with a variety of personalities should be chosen. If he already has outgoing friends, it sounds like he doesn’t need to worry about breaking out of his shell anyway, so he should choose whatever school he feels the most comfortable.</p>
<p>I loove being out and about doing anything socially, but i often need a break, time to recooperate in solitude. i enjoy my alone time alot. It is the time where i can reflect, without this solitude i really don’t know whats going on around me. I am usually unaware of most things untill i get solitude, then i can see what has happened and go from there.</p>
<p>I think it’s important to draw the distinction between “shy” and “introverted.” “Shy” implies a social insecurity that stops someone who would otherwise be outgoing from doing so. “Introverted” is someone that simply prefers to be alone more often or hang in smaller circles. I don’t believe the objective for an introverted kid should be to make them “come out of their shell”-- if S is truly introverted and not shy, this may just be his personality type and there may not be a shell to come out of, and if there isn’t an inherent insecurity running his life then there isn’t a problem with being that way. S would probably be happy anywhere, as all kinds of schools attract more introverted people, though he may have to develop the skills to find them, which does require the ability to be outgoing when necessary. If S doesn’t have that, a smaller more introverted school /could/ be a better fit. Personally, I prefer a giant outgoing school (went to umich) so that I could flit in and out of social circles at my choosing without having to deal with cliques or similar issues that can come up at smaller schools and be a negative thing for the introvert.</p>
<p>A “shy” person, on the other hand, I think needs a more outgoing environment in order to change-- and a “shy” person is someone that should strive to change, because letting insecurities control you is painful! I say they need a more outgoing environment because there will be people there who are outgoing enough to drag the person out a bit, to approach them rather than requiring S to approach. But, with that means that S would have to be willing to reciprocate at some point, and if he is introverted and not shy that is probably going to drive him completely nuts-- as I know from personal experience. As an introvert, being friends with someone who is not also an introvert is a LOT of work and to me is more effort than it is worth.</p>
<p>My story may not be relevant to the OP, but I wanted to present a different perspective from some of the things said above. </p>
<p>I came into college “a bit shy” - I was insecure in approaching people but my insecurities rarely stopped me from starting a conversation anyway. I thought that surrounding myself with outgoing people might help me break out of my shell - but instead it elevated my shyness into full-blown social anxiety. The social kids really didn’t care very much about socializing with the shy kid, which fed directly into my insecurities. I started to withdraw. After half a year in the social dorm, I avoided human interaction as much as possible. (Heck, I only shopped at places with a self-check-out line because I didn’t want to have to talk to a cashier.) </p>
<p>It wasn’t until I moved into the “anti-social” dorm and was surrounded by students as insecure as myself that I was able to make friends and had the courage to break out of my shell. Later I started socializing with the well-adjusted popular kids too; but it took that intermediate step first.</p>
<p>I have no idea how typical or untypical my reaction was, but the conclusion I draw from it is “Proceed with caution if you throw a shy student into an outgoing environment - especially if the social students don’t have much motivation for being inclusive.”</p>
<p>Thank you everyone very, very much - these posts have been extremely helpful. After reading, I would say my S is introverted, more than shy. Looking at him in a social setting, he doesn’t seem at all awkward, and is considered the wry/funny one of his gang. He just prefers his own company. 
It’s not that I want to “fix” him. I was just thinking it might help him narrow things down if I got an overwhelming “go to small” or “go to big schools.” I’m sort of glad there is no consensus, so he’ll get to make up his own mind. Thanks again.</p>
<p>“You won’t find a college that features shy ,quiet types !” </p>
<p>It seemed to me that the more techie-oriented/STEM colleges did have more of the shy, quiet type (but lots of flavors of campus vibe even without that category). That does not necessarily mean that OP’s son should go that route, but it’s certainly an option if he finds that kind of environment a good fit.</p>
<p>My older son is Mr. Introverted, classic compute geek. For him going to a school with many, many kids like him has made him much more social. He had kids who liked board games and D&D and his social life basically was hanging around the Linux cluster. He wasn’t going to go to parties wherever he went to college. Two very funny things happened though. One is that he met a lot of CMU alumni on line because there is some sort of chatroom that runs all the time in the background on the computer. When carnival rolled around in the spring he actually went and did booths with them as well as his own classmates. They also helped get him a couple of internships later. Another thing that we all find hilarious is that half the kids in his computer cluster actually call him by his screenname instead of his nickname.</p>
<p>I think there are introverts and extroverts at all colleges and you can find your tribe if you are willing to go look for it, but for our son it was more important to find kids with the same academic/EC interests. (BTW he spent most of accepted student weekend at Harvard and reported back that he felt there were enough kids like him to enjoy the experience, if only the comp sci department had been more interesting!)</p>
<p>I have resisted giving my son the t-shirt that says “I’m not anti-social, I’m just not user-friendly,” but that’s sooo him.</p>
<p>haha…I bought my son a t-shirt that says “You’ve read my shirt. That’s enough social interaction for the day”. I’m not sure that my son is either shy or an introvert. He’s just fine being by himself. Maybe it’s an only child thing. But get him in a group of kids that share his interests, and he’s quite the social butterfly. He is one where “fit” is going to be very important.</p>
<p>Left out a phrase to clarify - he spent most of his weekend at Harvard with the Sci-fi club (I believe it was called) - in any event he played board games, watched the DaVinci Code and made fun of it and generally had a good time with kids just like him.</p>
<p>I don’t know if my kid is shy or introvert but I know she’s not the party type. College experience must bring out the best in her after she joined a sorority and made many friends. I still think she still has that intellectual tendency(reading lots of books when shes’ home) but she is also become much more sociable(not that she wasn’t before college), just much more confident in herself. I think I like the outcome much more. Her school is known as one of the party schools. Like others have posted, had she gone to one of non-party schools she might not have been so confident yet still maintain her true self.</p>
<p>My S is shy/introverted as well. I find that he feels more comfortable making a few really close friends rather than a lot of superficial friendships. I can’t imagine him doing well with an extroverted crowd - it would just make him more quiet. It’s possible that one or 2extroverted friends is a good thing, but too many would be isolating for him I think.</p>
<p>On the other hand, I was also shy, and I went to a large “outgoing” university. I loved meeting all kinds of people and having lots of friends. </p>
<p>I guess it just depends on what the individual is looking for and what makes them happiest. You just have to find your niche no matter where you are.</p>
<p>I think this is a good example of why its important to tour colleges, and to do it while there are students on campus. After your tour, wander thru the dining hall, the post office, the student union, the library. Do these look like “my” people? Can I see myself fitting in here? Are all the kids eating alone with their laptops, are all the kids eating in boistrous groups, or is there a mix? etc.</p>