<p>Stacy, based on your comments here, I can understand why this is a contentious situation. As at least one other person has commented, you seem more intent on hurting your X than caring for the child. </p>
<p>You say "Most folks are doing the best we can with the lots we’re given. " It was your choice to have more kids. Most of the people who post on CC support their kids education.</p>
<p>And thanks to cptofthehouse’s advice (which freaked me out, but makes sense), I will be dealing with the child support issue immediately.</p>
<p>*FYI, support payments were current through Dec. 09. I continued sending, via EFT, but ex refused payments for 4 months, so I discontinued. Also, I have many emails indicating my wish to be involved in D’s future and figuring out what is best for her.</p>
<p>*</p>
<p>Well, since you weren’t paying child support for several months, can’t that money be put towards college?</p>
<p>It does seem odd that the ex “refused” the child support. </p>
<p>*If it’s 10k I owe legally, fine. I’ll figure it out. But I want all my kids to understand the choices being made on their behalf and the impact they will have on themselves and their family members. *</p>
<p>???</p>
<p>Your children from your second wife are not under any court-ordered college payments. And, it would NOT be wise for you to be telling them that because you HAVE to pay towards D1’s college costs, that they are somehow being penalized. That would not be good for family morale at all. You agreed to the divorce settlement…you knew is existed when you decided to make 3 more babies. Man up and shush up.</p>
<p>OP indicates that the divorce order is from NY. NY will be glad to facillitate child support logistics. <a href=“https://www.childsupport.ny.gov/dcse/non_custodial_parent_services.html[/url]”>https://www.childsupport.ny.gov/dcse/non_custodial_parent_services.html</a>
I suspect most other states will too. There is no need for any seperate bank accounts, escrows, etc and long as parent is willing to provide bank account or employer information. Which is why this story of other parent will not accept payment seems bizarre, OP could have just dealt with the state and made it their problem.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>If the ex told the daughter that she had a full ride, then took out loans in her own name and her daughter’s name, then I think the OP has a reason to be concerned about whether the daughter is being allowed to participate fully in decisions that affect her. </p>
<p>Does the divorce decree say how the college tuition obligation is to be paid? To the college or to the ex?</p>
<p>Mom, I agree that a parent should be concerned, but it is appears that the OP is more concerned with seeing if he can put other parent in jail while he is delinguint in child support.</p>
<p>Pea, if so, there is a handy dandy way back on 09 that OP could have had state be middleman and handle payments. Many divorced parents do this.</p>
<p>@kayf – I deleted my post because after thinking about it I realized it didn’t make sense.</p>
<p>* I agree that a parent should be concerned, but it is appears that the OP is more concerned with seeing if he can put other parent in jail … *</p>
<p>I agree.</p>
<p>The OP has mentioned that he’s concerned that fraud has taken place and it will affect him or his child. He’s not the least bit concerned that his ex might get some big penalty for any of this, which is why he has proceeded as he has. If he thinks that his actions won’t backfire BIG TIME if the ex gets into trouble and the D’s education is somehow disturbed, he’s not operating on all cylinders. If the ex misled the school, that is wrong, but then for the OP to bring it the school’s attention which could have seriously bad results, is just spiteful. There was no way that the OP would be implicated in anything since he’s not legally obligated to fill out any paperwork.</p>
<p>Mom, which is why I dont understand why people here want to help OP. Where I live, a relatively affluent area, the kids facing major college funding issues are the children of divorce. Lets not kid ourselves, we all as a society are going to pay the price for this, whether through these kids needing more finanaical aid or worse. I think finaid should go to people who really need it.</p>
<p>Sooo, I should be complicit in possible FA fraud? </p>
<p>Because we’re poor, it’s okay to lie to get what we want? </p>
<p>My ex is a grown-up making decisions for her life that make things as easy for her as possible. She has shunned my input and consultation. She also obviously wants what she perceives is best for our child. Though that is admirable and as it should be, she could go about it in an honest, forthright manner, dealing with the reality of all finances involved, rather than playing both ends against the middle to achieve her own personal idea of the only good path for our daughter to take.</p>
<p>The reason I am asking here, instead of going directly to the college, is that once they know all the details, they have to act. My ex is very poor and for our daughter’s sake I don’t want her (the ex) getting into debt over her head, which is the only way she’s going to be able to pay for this very expensive college. I want her to be able to be a wonderful grandmother to our daughter’s kids, not just the mom who gave up everything so she could go to the fancy private school.</p>
<p>Stacy, you would have more credibity, at least with me, if you were current on Child Support and if you were not so concerned with nailing your X for fraud. I dont see you as complicit, you havent signed anything, and you havent seen what your X signed. </p>
<p>Maybe your X is tired of you trying to control her, and if you can afford 3 new kids, you can afford college and CS.</p>
<p>The reason you came off as contentious, stacyc6, is that you brought things up, and delved into things, that are not your business.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>^And yet the OP brought all of the personal stuff up to support his position.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>These sorts of comments are the things that, to me, make the OP sound contentious, unduly controlling, and vengeful. In other words, not solely interested in protecting himself or his daughter from fraud charges.</p>
<p>Your daughter’s relationship with her mom is not your business, as long as it’s in the realm of “safe.” Whether your former wife is too protective or not protective enough, in your opinion, is not your business, as long as she’s in the realm of “safe.”</p>
<p>You get to make parenting and relationship decisions about you and your daughter. You don’t get to make parenting or relationship decisions for your former wife.</p>
<p>Your former wife’s financial priorities, whether “Dave Ramsayan” or not, are not your business. What your former wife did last year without your knowledge is not your business. It’s ridiculous to presume that you’d be held responsible for her actions, which took place without your knowledge, and it’s ridiculous to use that “concern” as the basis for interjecting trouble into your own family, at this point, for PAST transgressions. More on what to do to avoid FUTURE transgressions in a moment …</p>
<p>If your former wife got your daughter into some hot water by lying LAST YEAR, it’s still not your business – though I can definitely see why you’d be concerned for your daughter. I would be too. But it’s STILL not something for YOU to control after the fact. If your daughter is now in any sort of bill-paying trouble with the college, she and the school can hold your ex-wife responsible (IF your ex-wife lied), and you can be fully absolved of any wrongdoing. But if you interject yourself into this mess, in some opportunistic, vindictive way, then you will rightfully share some of the blame for a mess that you helped to create. And you will increase tensions between yourself and your daughter.</p>
<p>In my experience, btw, there are usually pretty good reasons behind this:
and this:
</p>
<p>Think about it. Your ex-wife stands to GAIN by collecting child support and speaking to you about the money that is owed to your daughter. The fact that she and your daughter avoided discussing it with you says to me that she probably thought there was more to gain by avoiding you than by taking the money. I am just guessing that there’s more to the story.</p>
<p>This scenario, MomofJandL …
… seems like the most far-fetched scenario of all. Think how overboard the mom and D would both have to be. The TEENAGED daughter is SO compliant and wishy-washy that she doesn’t know what kind of FA package she got for herself and won’t be permitted to participate in her own college decisions? Wouldn’t she be contacting her dad, if that were the case, and complaining about THAT? She’s been THAT manipulated by her mother that she believes hook, line, and sinker, whatever her mom tells her? And the ex-wife is so evil that she lies to her daughter about how much scholarship money she got, PLUS forges loans for her daughter and takes the money??! To me, that whole scenario is absurd.</p>
<p>Regarding THIS YEAR’s FA process…</p>
<p>Now that you know (or at least you think) that last year’s FA process was less than honest, you DO have to do something different for this year. If your ex-wife lied last year and is attempting to lie this year, then your ex-wife is wrong. She is cheating the system, being deceitful, not setting a good example, and “earning” financial aid for your daughter that your daughter does not deserve. (This is all based on the “IF.”) You’re right to get involved.</p>
<p>You could do that in a few different ways. All of them include paying your past-due child support. All of them should include honest, direct, non-manipulative communication with your daughter and former wife, in writing. “It’s important to me that I honestly reflect my financial position on this year’s financial aid forms and keep my financial commitments. I don’t want to be a party to anything fraudulent or deceitful. And so, I’m going to …” </p>
<p>And then you fill in the blank with something fair and reasonable that is entirely YOUR responsibility and in YOUR control. I can think of three things, right off the bat, that you could use to fill in the blank.</p>
<p>(a) … give Jane (or Sue) the money for this year, on the condition that you’ll fill out the financial aid documents in a way that reflects the truth. Plus, I’ll pay all past due child support with interest. (in writing)</p>
<p>(b) …send my portion of the money to the school for this year, on the condition that you’ll fill out the financial aid documents in a way that reflects the truth. Plus, I’ll pay all past due child support with interest. (in writing)</p>
<p>(c) …fill out the financial aid documents that are my responsibility (the NCP and everything else that is required of me) and submit them directly to the college. Plus, I’ll pay all past due child support with interest. (in writing)</p>
<p>Voila. Problem solved. You’ve absolved yourself of the mess, and you haven’t been vindictive. It will not be your job, incidentally, to follow-up on your ex-wife to be sure she truthfully completes her FA documents. It would be great if she did. I am BIG into honesty! But that is not in your control. You tell her what you’ll do and what you hope she’ll do (if you’d like), and then you leave her stuff to her.</p>
<p>In two of those scenarios, your daughter and former wife may have some consequences to pay for last year, if it is revealed that they were less than honest, and their bills may go up for this year. But, those would be natural consequences of your decision to maintain your own integrity, which is your right. (and everybody’s obligation, imo)</p>
<p>In one of those scenarios, your daughter and former wife would be less likely to pay any consequences for last year, even if they were less than honest at the time, and their bills would be less likely to go up for this year. But, none of that HAS to be your business. If you explain to your ex-wife and daughter, in writing, why you’re concerned and what it could mean to your D if it turns out that she owes more than she paid, then you COULD legitimately choose (a) and STILL absolve yourself of any further consequence. It would no longer be your business, if you didn’t want it to be.</p>
<p>There ARE, btw, several scenarios that would not have required an NCP form last year. And, it is also possible that last year your daughter HAD full-tuition merit aid, even though she doesn’t have it this year. There are lots of non-renewable, private scholarships that are available to incoming freshmen. Maybe between the school’s merit aid (which may also have included a non-renewable scholarship … or maybe her grades slipped and she didn’t get to renew the scholarship?) and a single, large non-renewable or several stackable non-renewables, your daughter’s tuition WAS fully covered last year, even though it’s not this year. Or maybe your former wife and daughter thought they could get by without getting you involved, because they shied away from your contentiousness and decided to choose relative “peace” over money (or because of reasons that signify worse things about you), and then this year they discovered that they HAD to get you involved if your daughter was to stay at that school. None of us know or need to know. But you might have a little insight into this, OP. If so, you could fix that.</p>
<p>To me, it’s telling that your daughter sounds a little evasive with you. Her answers about her college finances seem vague. That doesn’t have to reflect poorly on her mom. It COULD reflect poorly on you and your relationship with her.</p>
<p>But IF your ex-wife is trying to be deceitful this year (and trying to make a pact with you that the three of you won’t reveal your true financial picture IS deceitful), then she is in the wrong … no matter what might have happened last year, and you are right to maintain your own integrity in the mess. It would be best for you and your daughter if you would carefully choose how you’re going to do that – you can simply do the right thing for yourself and for your daughter, leaving your ex-wife and the past out of it; or you can look for your ex-wife’s wrong-doing at every turn and vindictively come after her to wreak as much havoc as possible, with your daughter caught in the middle. There are also options in-between.</p>
<p>Am I the only person who has known students who had big scholarships with draconian GPA requirements that they didn’t meet in subsequent years? That’s what this student’s situation put me in mind of.</p>
<p>Update: an attorney has said that the waiver is a legal contract with the school, and that breaking that contract occurs when my financial support is provided, in direct contravention of that contract.</p>
<p>My daughter’s FA counselor is out today, but it appears that what will happen is that when I bring Child Support up to date and pay my half of the current college bill, the school will revise the package and the package for last year will go up. I haven’t gotten any info that says that fraud charges will be pursued, so that’s a relief. Thanks for all your help.</p>
<p>
Do you know for a fact that a waiver was provided to the school or are you speculating? There are circumstances under which one wouldn’t have been needed for your daughter’s first year.</p>
<p>Thanks, that’s one of the things I’ll be checking with the counselor about.</p>
<p>Though the school’s policy and previous conversations with FA do indicate that it requires one.</p>
<p>
The school may require a waiver as a general matter, but your daughter’s specific circumstances may require something different.
The energy you’re putting into causing trouble for your daughter and your ex wife is pretty scary.</p>
<p>OK, so now you have your legal advice on how to navigate. </p>
<p>It sounds like you are free to pay your back child support, pay your college obligations on behalf of Jane, nuke Jane’s ability to further attend the “fancy” private college that’s too good for her anyway, and put your ex in a financial vice since she will have to repay the fraudulently obtained financial aid so that that university will release Jane’s transcript that will enable her to transfer. If she can’t transfer, you will save even more money since there won’t be any tuition to pay. Your ex will probably have to use all of the child support that you paid her to meet those obligations and then some, and Jane will have to hurry up and fill out applications to transfer to a public college for the fall. Then you can badmouth your ex directly to Jane that it was all her mother’s fault anyway. </p>
<p>All in a days work. You should be proud! </p>
<p>I’m not sure what else you can get from College Confidential. </p>
<p>Send Jane here we’ll pick up the pieces.</p>