Is waitlist worth the mental agony

Parent Cafe
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<p>S's first choice was Caltech with Stanford as a second. Visited Stanford many years back but that was more casual and S was still in middle school. Did visit Caltech just before his junior year and S loved it at first site and it has been his first choice since then. Were planning to visit Stanford after the decision. </p>

<p>He is a more nerdy, science and engineering type interested in computational biology, an interdisciplinary area between mathematics, biology and computer science. He is interested in reserach. Both schools have programs in this area mainly at the graduate level, though Caltech may more opportunities at the undergraduate level.</p>

<p>Got into Caltech but wait listed in Stanford. He has got into some other good schools, but now the decision has come down to these two</p>

<p>He has had a string of other disappointments especially in some scholarship interviews and hence he has taken being put on the wait list hard. The FA packages are not likely to be to different, given high EFC. Travel distances are also a wash, though Southern California will be easier to get to. </p>

<p>He will accept Caltech but the decision is whether to go on the wait list for Stanford. My view is "yes go on the waitlist and if it pans out, make a decision at that time. If it does not, then you still have your choice". My wife on the other hand feels that the wait list will only prolong the anxiety and will not be as satisfying to my son as he feels "they did not consider me good enough first time around", though he still would like to visit Stanford and keep an open mind.</p>

<p>His mother's suggestion is "Take the plunge, accept Caltech, reject the wait list and do not look back." In her view there is also the risk that he may not get off the waitlist and there is no need to go through another set of disappointments again. Even if he does get it, it will just cause more anxiety and churn at that time and by now means is Caltech an inferior choice, just a different choice. </p>

<p>We do plan to attend the prefrosh weekend/Friday at Caltech and we can postpone the actual decision till that time, though my wife feels it it time to commit now.</p>

<p>Thoughts, comments, suggestions?</p>

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<p>Mmm. Curious…how did your wife approach getting married?</p>

<p>The odds are against on the W/L but it doesn’t mean he shouldn’t try. If Stanford is his first choice, he should call Admissions and let them know and ask if there’s any additional material, such as an extra rec, that he can submit. I would casually, in passing, mention that I got into CalTech but prefer Stanford…throwing down a marker that he’s not chopped liver. </p>

<p>Then, when all the birds are in the air, sit down & relax and plan on CalTech unless you get the good news from Stanford. The key, I think, is to approach it positively but not to back yourself into a psychological corner where it feels like defeat if he doesn’t make it in.</p>

<p>Students who are W/L’d at HYPSM schools aren’t generally used to being turned down for anything and sometimes they have a harder time dealing than some of their more modestly accomplished peers.</p>

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<p>Stanford has actually advised against providing more information, recommendations etc., that there will be an opportunity to provide any new information, but all this will happen after May 1st, so it could well be June before anything happens. </p>

<p>To me is it is not a defeat at all, my wife’s concern is that S will consider it as defeat if he does not get in and given that he has a choice, there is no need to put himself in that situation.</p>

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<p>First,congratulations to your son. </p>

<p>I guess I don’t entirely get this. He got into his first choice. Why would he care about his second choice? Under what circumstances would he actually attend there and why?</p>

<p>If it isn’t a matter of financial aid then why would he care?</p>

<p>Also, why stay on the waitlist only to turn it down? That will just prolong the agony for some other poor kid on the list who actually wants to go there. And finally, at this point he can effetively say “Screw you” to Stanford with no further risk of disappointment. If it were me, I’d say no-brainer.</p>

<p>The only downside is if he is the type who would always and forever wonder “what if.” In that case it is no big deal to stay on, but I think they take very few off these lists so be preprared for more possible disappointment. And since I myself have to fight this inclination, I’d advise against living a life this way.</p>

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<p>Why not kind of do both…</p>

<p>1) Accept the spot on waitlist.</p>

<p>2) Assume that you won’t come off the waitlist and proceed as if you won’t.</p>

<p>3) Then, if by chance, you eventually get accepted, you can decide to accept or reject. At that point, you might already be immersed in going to CalTech (the real first choice, right?), and not want to go to Stanford.</p>

<p>BTW…CalTech sounds like a better fit anyway.</p>

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<p>Congrats to your son on Caltech! There are wonderful opportunities for research in labs related to CNS and biological NS (my son worked in several).</p>

<p>I get the impression that Stanford acceptance would be a boost to his ego. Your wife feels it is not a better choice, and you are uncertain how your son would have decided if accepted to both. If he waits 2 months for Stanford’s acceptance, the school could grow in significance. Your approach is rational: revisit Stanford if he does get accepted, and make the final choice then. Question is, can your 17 y o be so rational?</p>

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<p>Mazewander-- what does you son want to do? If he wants to stay on the waiting list, then he can do it the way Mom2 says, which is honestly the only way to do it, anyway.</p>

<p>If he does not want to stay on, then he can tell them that.</p>

<p>good luck to you guys, though it sounds like you’re already set.</p>

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<p>There are quite a few kids posting on CC who came in off of waitlists and are hap, hap, happy at their waitlist colleges. Students aren’t on waitlists at top colleges because the “college didn’t consider the student good enough”. Students are on waitlists because the top colleges only have a certain amount of dorm space / teaching space and cannot fit everyone who applied and is qualified. They are not totally certain of yields and can’t over commit. Your son has one great “bird in the hand”. Let him decide to stay on the wait list or not, but do assure him that Stanford “wants him” even if they didn’t accept him. If they didn’t want him, he would have been “rejected”, not placed on the waitlist.</p>

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<p>Caltech is his first choice; why let Stanford cause so much strife? I’d advise him to let it go because, lucky him, he got into his dream school and what could be better than that? Give that spot to someone who really wants Stanford.</p>

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<p>It’s a tough choice. It’s understandable that your wife wants to commit to one school and move on. From her perspective, Stanford could end up being a preoccupation and unnecessary distraction, prolonging the agony and possibly leading to disappointment in the end. It sounds like you are better able to put those feelings aside and consider the waitlist just an option. </p>

<p>How about setting a firm date by which if he doesn’t get in, he withdraws his name? Because commitments have to be in by May 1, the majority of waitlisted applicants should know by mid-May. That way, by the time he graduates HS and starts summer, he knows where he is headed and everyone feels a bit more settled.</p>

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<p>Thank you all for your comments. To clarify, the understanding I had with my son was that if he got Stanford, we would visit Stanford (as the previous visit was many years back and it was not a casual visit with some friends and not from a perspective of studying there.) as he wanted to actually a get a feel for Stanford. If he had got into Stanford, we could have made a decision based on the visit. </p>

<p>My thoughts were along the lines of mom2collegekids, the rational approach. I think bookworm has phrased the thoughts we had correctly </p>

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<p>That is where I think my wife is coming from in that he may not be rational and as Gourmetmom puts it</p>

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<p>Gourmetmom’s suggestion appeals to me and I would like to broach that idea.</p>

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<p>I think that it is always wise to keep one’s options open. Assuming that he would seriously consider Stanford if he got in. </p>

<p>If he really wants Cal Tech and nothing Stanford could do would change that, then it is unfair IMHO to other waitlistees to remain on the list just for trophy-hunting and a waste of his own mental and emotional energy. Waitlists are usually not simply sequential at private colleges, and he could prevent another student with a similar profile who really does want Stanford from being selected. (I know there will be a storm of protest over the idea that the effect on other students should be considered, but my feeling is that if the school is DEFINITELY not going to be selected by the student and there is no question of comparing financial packages, then remaining on the list is at best a waste of everyone’s time.)</p>

<p>Did you say that he hasn’t visited Stanford yet? In that case he might change his mind if he did, either pro or con.</p>

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<p>What does your son want to do? I would suggest waiting until after the CalTech freshman weekend. If he comes away from that in love, the deal’s done with no heartache. If he’s not sure, then the waitlist is a good idea.</p>

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<p>I would stay on the WL if it’s clearly a better choice than schools he has been admitted to. Last year Stanford did go to the WL when other years they didn’t. My daughter did go to her WL school. She worked for the spot and is very happy there.</p>

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<p>I am a big fan of moving on. Caltech is a great university. If what it offers is his cup of tea, there’s no clear inherent advantage for Stanford. He’s not “losing” anything by going to Caltech. So just go! The only reason to stay on the Stanford waitlist is that other people regard Stanford as a bigger deal than Caltech – although pretty infinitesimally so. That’s really no reason to do anything at all.</p>

<p>Your son got into his first choice. He’s a winner. Take the trophy and go home.</p>

<p>NB: My son faced the same choice a few years ago involving Stanford and a college he actually liked a little more than Stanford. This is the advice I gave him then, and things have worked out great.</p>

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<p>No we have not visited Stanford (at least with admission in mind) and even the Caltech visit was about 2 years back. So things may change at the pre-forsh weekend and I think it makes sense to hold on till then. My son really does not know what to do and still getting over his hurt, hopefully he will be less emotional today.</p>

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<p>How could visiting Stanford, and then waiting around by the phone through June to see if they call, possibly help anyone get over the hurt of not being accepted there?</p>

<p>It would be different if the alternative were not great. It would be different if emotions weren’t involved at all. It might even be different if the kid had a pre-existing strong preference for Stanford. But none of that is true.</p>

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<p>I agree with you 100% Consolation and I would be really dissappointed if there were any protest over your suggestion.</p>

<p>If the young man in question still holds any ambivalence over where he will attend, then certainly he should stay on the list.</p>

<p>But if he will go to Caltech under any circumstances, why not do the kind and thoughful thing and free up a potential space for someone else.</p>

<p>Of course, I understand the urge to want to see how it comes out, and I might stay on myself for this reason. So I didn’t want to seem to judgemental. But being on the waitlist is confirmation you are good enough. More confirmation than most people recieve.</p>

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<p>If the student is uncertain, then it is best to visit both schools again and reassess. If the student is still undecided, what is that harm in staying on the waitlist until mid to late May? It is okay to set a “drop dead” date and if Stanford doesn’t accept him by that date, to remove himself from the waitlist. That way the student can graduate from HS knowing where he’s headed, and it will give Stanford plenty of time to still draw from the list. Students are admitted from the list based on merit, so if the OP’s son was a near-admit, he’d most likely be pulled off in early May anyway.</p>

<p>After so much hard work and investment by the student, what is the harm in waiting another six weeks? But much past the end of May, it’s pretty hard to argue that it’s reasonable to wait to hear from Stanford.</p>

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<p>We employed the mom2collegekids strategy when it came to the waitlist. Go on a waitlist, consider it a rejection and emotionally move on, and if you get off the waitlist–great. None of this “waiting by the phone, hoping it will ring” torture.</p>

<p>And no, the waitlist did not come through…but there was no emotional wollop attached to it by then.</p>