So I guess you could say I have it pretty easy. Right now I’m commuting rent-free with my parents, and the only expense I need to pay for is gas for my car. In other words, every two weeks I put about thirty bucks worth of gas in my car, and the rest of my money is my responsibility. I can spend it as I please, when I please; so long as I have enough money to purchase textbooks for the upcoming semester.
But this is my problem with all of this: I feel a deep sense of anxiety and guilt whenever I spend money on anything outside of textbooks or gas. Like, it’ll be mid-October, I’ll have paid for my gas, and I know a video game or another personal item I really would like is going to become available. But I’ll spend my money and I’ll spend the next five hours berating myself about spending the money, even though I KNOW I’ll make it back in two weeks. I’ve done everything to deal with this anxiety: set budgets for how much I allow myself to spend, set goals for how much I want to make per a semester, totally limited my spending…
This might sound nuts, but I feel like it’s because I feel like I’m “betraying” my parents. My mom tends to be very emotional, so whenever I do something behind her back, like spending money, she’d flip her lid and say I “betrayed” her, even though it is my money that I earned from my job that I work every single day.
I just feel like I’m constantly fighting with myself. I have the money, and a part of me is telling me that money is meant to be spent, especially since I’ve paid the next to nothing expenses so I can certainly afford a few small pleasures when one pops up. But another part of me is constantly berating myself and feeling anxious for spending money, like I’ve committed some sort of cardinal sin for having the audacity to do so.
If anyone has any advice for how to deal with this anxiety/guilt, I’d appreciate it.
Follow the “pay yourself first” philosophy, which is to set aside a certain amount of your paycheck to build reserves. You will be instilling an important money habit and soon these purchases will be so small compared to your net worth you will be comfortable making them. You will also be broadening your opportunities. For example, if there were an internship available in another city would you be able to provide first and last months rent for deposit? Or would you be dependent on your parent’s to make that happen? If you are living paycheck to paycheck and dependent on others you will always be anxious.
You’ll feel less guilty about spending if you’re also saving. I’d suggest having two bank accounts – a lot of banks will give you free linked checking and savings account because you’re a student. Any time you get money, put half (or a quarter, or 10%, whatever works for you) in the savings account, and never touch it.
What happens to a lot of people is that they see that they have a certain amount of leftover cash – whether it’s $100 or $5,000 – and figure they have extra. And in a way they do, if they’re paying their bills. But the difference between people who live paycheck to paycheck for the rest of their lives and people who develop wealth is the ones who spend once they reach their comfort threshold.
If you’ve got spare cash, put some away, and then you’ll feel much less guilty about what you DO spend. You should feel totally fine about buying a video game every so often. If your mother doesn’t approve, she has other issues, and you guys should probably be having THAT conversation (does she feel that you’re not contributing to your college expenses enough?) but otherwise you’re an adult.
Relationship with your parents. Is she too controlling? Is that why you are commuting?
Financial Have you made a budget? Are you saving? My DD had money going into college and she budgeted how much she could spend each month. Can you ask for the video game for Christmas? Do you expect your parents to pay for books/expenses if you run out?
Does your school offer counseling for free? I think it would be very helpful for you to talk to someone, and he or she could help you sort out your feelings and what you should do. My daughter goes for counseling every week at her school and it has helped her tremendously. She also tells all her friends to take advantage of free therapy!
You should probably quit telling your mom when you spend money. As an adult with a job you shouldn’t have to hide it, but you can’t live like that either. You’re not blowing your paycheck, you’re buying a little something now and then, right?
Make sure you have a savings account. Budget spending money in and quit berating yourself for using it. I was a low income student and it took me a long time to feel comfortable spending money on myself. I spent money on little things, but it was a while before I bought big things. The trouble with that mindset is that little things can add up.
I agree that speaking to a counselor may be a good idea. Are your parents paying for school or are you getting grants?
So if you have money burning a hole in your pocket and live at home, offer some money to your mum for rent. She will refuse but be thrilled you gave it a thought. If you have a job, start a roth. If you feel guilty about spending money, that is probably a sign you should think about why. What is your job and about how much do you have per month in earnings?
OP feels guilty because her mother tells her she “betrayed” her if she buys a video game with her own money. How much she earns isn’t any of our business. It makes sense that if other people try to control your money, you’d feel guilty for spending it. OP may want to consider talking with a counselor to figure out ways to deal with her mom.
Here’s some answers to some questions people have asked:
@bopper
1)Yes, my mother tends to be a bit controlling. Her name is on my bank account, so if she wants, she can check up, take out, or put in money as she pleases. Any money I received in things like cards or as birthday gifts went into this huge joint account under her name, which is where my sisters gift money also resides.
2)I have myself under a very strict budget. Usually, after gas expenses are paid off I don’t feel comfortable spending more than twenty dollars of my money unless it’s for something school related. My parents made it perfectly clear I am to not expect any help textbook wise. They refuse to bail me nor my sisters out. Anything involving school, I’m to pay for myself, so if I’m short a hundred bucks for that one textbook, I’m not getting that textbook.
@MaineLonghorn
My school does offer counseling, and I did go for a majority of my freshman year. Problem was, my parents found out and thought I was talking bad about them to the counselor(in their defense, my parents are not horrible people, but they’re really controlling with astronomical expectations and tend to overexagerate things. Like “you spent money without telling me, that’s a betrayal” or “you dropped a friend off on campus after work, that’s lying”. I don’t hate them, but I do believe a majority of their behavior attributed to my low self-esteem, depression, and anxiety issues).
@austinmshauri
1)As mentioned previously, my mom does random checks on my bank account. I don’t need to tell her, if she suspects something, she’ll check it out. Even if it’s a small spending out of my paycheck, she’ll get very angry and disappointed if I don’t mention I spent x amount of money on whatever. I don’t know why she’s like this, I’ve never really done anything that’s shown I’m irresponsible with money. Typically, I tend to save my money rather than spend it.
2)As for school, I got a full scholarship. The only thing I need to worry about is some federal loans I took out for food and housing for my freshman year(did that because I wanted the experience). This I’ll have to pay off later.
You need to go open a bank account and have your paycheck deposited directly into it. Then move your money out of the shared account. Mingling your sister’s money with yours can have a negative impact on your financial aid. If you’re chosen for verification, an account with all 3 of your names on it sounds like it will be a mess.
At the very least open an account and have a portion of your pay deposited there. You shouldn’t have to account for every dime you spend. Tread carefully, though, because you need your parents to file the FAFSA in Oct. 2017 and 2018 so you can get aid for your junior & senior years.
@austinmtmom
Small misunderstanding! My paychecks go into my own account that’s under my name and my mom’s name. The whole thing with the gift money is an entire separate account which is entirely under my mothers name. It completely comprises of my money and some of my sisters’ money that we made/received between the the ages of birth and eighteen. She has complete control over it. My mother said that once we all turn eighteen, she’s going to open two new accounts for my sisters, then split the money in that account by three.
When you are 18 open your own bank account. Also talk to your mother about getting your share of the gift money…if she is worried about you “wasting it” then perhaps wait until you want to buy a car or put a security deposit on an apartment. If she still doesn’t give it to you then take her to small claims court.
I put my kids gift money in a savings account in their and my name (because you must), but when they went to college I had them open their own account and put the $ in it .