So, my child recently started seeing someone in the last few months. They seemed to get along well and have spent time together but obviously new situation.
Prior to meeting, my child had a weekend trip planned with a large group of friends. Included in that group of friends is my child’s ex. They have not been together for over two years but learned to be friends because they both have the same friend group.
My child was up front about the situation and explained. New person asked my child not to go. My child is not willing to give up all of the long time friends, nor are they willing to give up this trip. New persons friends asked my child what was going on, and situation was explained. The friends appeared to agree that new person was being unreasonable.
New person now broke up with my child over it.
My spouse and I are not jealous people at all, neither is my child. I remained friends with almost all of my exes and my spouse is now friends with them as well.
We say it’s good this was discovered early because jealousy can be so toxic.
My child is sad but ok with the situation. Just curious if people here are the jealous type and what the feelings are on this situation.
I think your child may have dodged a bullet.
That’s my thought as well
I agree … bullet dodged.
I was a bit insecure when I was younger, but that’s different than being jealous. Jealousy, especially at the beginning stages of a relationship, is problematic. The fact that he actually told her that he didn’t want her to go is a definite red flag.
I think it is very common for younger people to have issues with jealousy. It is often rooted in low self esteem, and many young people haven’t had the time or experience to develop confidence in their professional and/or social abilities.
The new person may be a fine person that happens to be early in their social development. It is impossible to cast judgement on them without more information, and some of the nuance that comes from “being there.”
But one thing that strikes me in this situation is that a jealous person would likely have let your child go in the trip, probably worry a little about it while he/she is gone, and maybe ask some questions when your child returned. But the new person forbid your child from going. That gets into control and trust issues, beyond just jealousy.
Interesting. I had the genders reversed in my mind!
Very interesting, actually. I wonder what it says about me that I assumed it was a female child?
Maybe it means we are substituting our own kids? I have boys so I imagined a jealous gf.
I have one of each, so no excuse for me. But I watched a tv show last night with an abusive husband in the plot, so that’s probably why I assumed it was a jealous male.
I saw the same show! That came to mind when I read this thread!
@happy1 is spot on! The whole family dodged a bullet!
This.
I intentionally did not identify the gender of each party because I was also curious if there would be assumptions one way or the other. Let’s just say, at least one of you is right…lol
Anyone telling me where I can’t go or be with would instantly be ditched by me.
It gives me vibes of my dad who drove away both my mom and a step mom (later in his life). Both ladies were awesome people, but dad insisted they always be with him and couldn’t even go see family or go to work events. When he was dating he wasn’t that way (so I was told), but later he was.
Trust is important in a relationship. If the trust is broken, that will end it too (for me).
Inability to tolerate the presence of an ex may be cultural to an extent. In my easy going family, my dad’s inclusiveness with my mom did not sit well with his new wife. I noticed the same with my son and our friendship with his ex. New GF, now wife was not happy. Both were based in other cultures.
When I was in HS, I had a boyfriend for three years – sophomore through senior. Junior year, I was selected to join the choir, an honor. So I did. We had a couple of overnight trips to other parts of the country. BF was very jealous and told me he didn’t want me participating in choir my senior year, so I quit. Thanksgiving of our freshman year in college, I broke up with him. The choir incident was just one of many behaviors he exhibited where he tried to control me.
Your child dodged a bullet. And probably learned more about people in general.
I have a question: OP–how old are the kids in this scenario? Young teens or older teens? College age?
Early 20’s
Same
Jealousy or possessiveness which doesn’t “permit” a new partner to go on a previously scheduled trip/outing with a group of old friends is definitely a red flag for me. Your child dodged a bullet and though sad now would be a lot sadder if more was invested in the relationship.
For me, this would apply whether my child was male or female and whether new partner was male it female.
My old BF from law school came to our wedding during his finals week, even though it required him to fly and stay at a hotel to do so. My H had some if his old GFs attend our wedding as well.
I wouldn’t pass judgement on anyone in this scenario without more information. The ex did break up with your child, right? Then they are not being controlling.
A controlling person would stay with your child and make it either unpleasant or impossible for your child to go on the trip.
Jealousy is an emotion, not a character flaw. I wouldn’t expect a person (or two people) who is not ready for a committed relationship to know how to handle it constructively when it comes up. Learning to regulate or manage emotions is not easy even for some older people.
I know it’s hard to see young people’s relationships break up, but young 20s is very young for a commitment like that.