I love the idea of having jewelry passed down with stories. I wish I had thought to write down everything my grandmother told me about her jewelry.
At least there would’ve been a written record of stories linking to the past.
I have a similar dilemma about some ‘antique’ jewelry that I inherited from an aunt. It includes some nice pieces that belonged to my great grand-mother (quite possibly were her mother’s). These are supposed to be passed down in the female line so my D is the one who will inherit (daughter’s daughter’s…daughter). One is a flower necklace with moonstones, another is a necklace made of old gold coins — monetary value unknown, sentimental value is high and chances that D will want it or wear it are close to none.
I’m not a big wearer of jewelry so all my jewelry resides in the bank locker. I’m perplexed about what I should do with this and other similar items. I would feel sad to change the setting as the beauty is in its ethnic design — the stones aren’t worth that much. Not many other options though, sadly.
Don’t get me started. My mom had a lot of jewelry. All of it was high quality. One sister and two brothers. Sister is the youngest and my dad’s favorite (by a lot). Parents never said anything about who would get it. My sister I think always assumed it would be her (that is pretty much how it worked for everything else). Though she and my mom never got along well (and often fought). Ultimately I think my mother believed she would outlive my dad and thus make decisions free from his favortism (which caused friction between my parents). But that didn’t work out because my mom passed a couple years ago. Dad still going strong though with significant memory/cognitive issues.
Mom’s jewerly is destination unknown at this point. Though sister says she has “some” and rest is in safety deposit box. Have seen said box and nothing of real value there. Olest brother (who was favorite when he was born and his kids became favorites when they were born all of whom were overtaken by sister and her daugthers taking the title (never got to me or my kids but no matter)) wants to fight over jewelry (dad moved to senior center and we are cleaning out house and selling it). He wants to find appraisals, check with jeweler who made most of the pieces – and likely cleaned/repaired anything else), etc. I am power of attorney (financial and health) and trustee. I told him even if we could identify and appraise each piece of jewelry, we have absolutely nothing to counter “mom gave it to me” or “dad gave it to me.” Or dad could give it all to her now. Or her two daugthers (who are the fav grandkids) even though there is another grandaugher and several grandsons (who are age of getting engaged and some things could be repurposed).
Cleaning out house could honestly be described as my brothers and I got choice of anything we wanted that our sister didn’t. Familes can be fun.
You can give your sister an incentive to come clean about what she has/what’s been given to her or her daughters. You can explain that once your dad passes, your responsibility as executor (I assume you are executor if you are the trustee) is to have everything appraised. If her share of the estate is 200K (for the sake of argument) her cash proceeds will be reduced by whatever jewelry or other trinkets she’s already gotten. And in the absence of a third party valuation, you will assume/impute values to what is missing from the safe deposit box using today’s price of gold.
I have found that most people want the stuff…until they discover it will reduce their cash haul. And then the bracelets come out of hiding!
You can play hardball too. She can run to your Dad, but since you have POA AND trustee (and hopefully executor) you’re holding the cards!
Why couldn’t my parents/my dad make gifts during their lifetimes that don’t impact distributions after their deaths? If he wanted to give his house to my sister right now, what is to stop him? Its their assets to do with as they please. Division of assets upon his death will be of assets he/his trust holds at his death. No adjustments for gifts prior to death.
And there would be the logistics of trying to determine gifts that were given over lifetimes. No thanks.
Sister also has another option: have my dad replace me with her as trustee/power of attorney. So my holding of the cards is contingent at this point.
There is nothing to stop your dad from giving your sister his house. Except the very real concern that one of your brothers would claim that he was coerced/taken advantage of, and since he’s already given you POA for both finances and health AND designated you as trustee, the first question that would be asked (if it became a legal issue) would be “did the person with the POA know about the gift?”
My interpretation of your comment that there is nothing of value in the safe deposit box was that these were NOT gifts your parents bestowed on your sister over the years, but things she’s gradually “assumed ownership for” after your mother’s passing. Grabbing is not inheriting. Apologies if these were actual and legitimate gifts that your mom made to your sister…
It sounds like your Dad might not be competent to make big financial decisions, @saillakeerie, which would be grounds to stop any house transfer (or other big assets). I’m also dealing with a tough family situation-- hang in there!
It’s incredibly difficult to have some one legally declared incompetent, from what I read.
Brother already threatened to sue at least 2 times during house cleanout process. I talked him off that ledge of stupidty. POA doesn’t cut off my dad’s ability to manage his own assets.
I just don’t have any evidence one way or the other in terms of whether jewelry was gifted to sister. My mom was as sharp as a tack unto day she died (night before at least which was last time I saw her conscience). But she is gone now. My dad struggles to remember anything so he is of no help. So I have absolutely no way to know if they were gifts to my sister. And presumably that would be her take if she was pressed on it.
@cinnamon1212 As an attorney, I have struggled with that issue. Can he really contract for anything at this point if you explain to him what it is he is signing but he can’t remember 15 seconds later? Talked to a couple of attorneys who specialize in the area for guidance. Not clear. At this point, I am trying to do what I can to limit the financial decisions he has to make. At one point, I went over and helped him write out checks. Then it moved to I was writing checks and he signed them. But he always had the check book. Then it moved to me having the check book but him still signing checks. Now I have migrated to online bill pay. Account is trust asset. Once house is sold, there won’t be much in the way of choices to make. Senior center is automatically paid for each month. Investment accounts are professionally managed. I sold his car a couple months back before my sister could have it transferred to one of her kids. Funds helping pay for senior center.
Goal at the end is to still be on speaking terms with siblings. Given blantant favoritism that was played for decades, its not really an even hand to be given. Not sure siblings care about talking with each other in the end. I may well be the only one who talks to all of them. I did have a dream several months back when the house clean out started in which I was giving my father’s eulogy. At the end of it, I said goodbye to my dad and thanked him for everything he did for me. And then turned by my siblings and said goodbye to them too. Hope it doesn’t come to that but its a real possiblity.
So sorry @saillakeerie. There are a lot of families that squabble over $$$ and assets. It’s so sad and destructive. So far our family has mostly been able to avoid that, thankfully.
It is a weird thing that happens when family stuff is gone through, and a weird vibe of entitlement that different siblings have. Being the long time favorite your sister might not even be aware how she is coming across to everyone else. Sad thing when parents play favorites.
My mother never talked about who would get what. It wasn’t like she had a lot of jewelry, or if what she had was all that valuable, but there were issues with settling the (small) estate and a falling-out with the oldest sibling, and, well, things happened.
We divvied up what was there and nephew (son of sib we are all NC with) received our dad’s wedding ring. It was just a gold band, but he died young and there was a lot of sentiment attached.
Other than that, we sold off the misc gold chains and the each of us got a valuable-ish item. (I really wish my paternal great grandfather had invested in more expensive pocket watches, lol.) I love my paternal grandmother’s wedding set, but I don’t have the birdie bones she had, so it sits in a safe.
The moral: discuss everything involving end of life issues, including wills and inheritances, when parents are able to really communicate desires and can change wills if necessary. Sigh.
If they will. Some parents will not discuss this stuff…at all.
Also, re:the jewelry…frankly, some of it probably isn’t as valuable as some folks think…and it’s not very easy to sell.
True on the valuation. No one can sell that engagement ring for what it cost when originally purchased. Or the China or crystal or just about anything else. I think Nana’s 22kt wedding band is the only piece that held value.
I’m fortunate that mom was very open about things, but we thought it would be much longer before the frontal-lobe dementia took over and so she didn’t get the codicils she wanted in place.
I have one earring that belonged to my great grandmother. My grandma and her sisters couldn’t come to an agreement over who should get the pair, so they were split up.
My mom died recently and I have her jewelry box at my house now. She has some pieces that have $ value and sentimental value having come with her from Morocco when she married my dad and came to the States.
While I know she would want us all to have/share it, I’m not sure how to go about the process. My mom had 4 children - 2 girls, 2 boys. All married w/spouses. 10 grandchildren 5 of which are girls. She gave me her wedding ring a couple of years ago. I know my girls (2) are interested in a piece of jewerly.
How do we decide who picks first and then order? I have a couple nieces who may or may not even care about having the jewerly - I don’t want them to take just to take!
I haven’t really looked through the box yet - her death is still pretty fresh. My guess is there may be a half a dozen pieces that have true $$ value.
First off, there is no need to rush through that now. Take your time. It was over 6 months after my dad died that we cleaned out their house and divided possessions.
I only have one brother but there are grandchildren. My mom gave me a good amount of jewelry over the years, before she died. As such, I gave my brother right of first refusal of the rest (there was still quite a bit of valuable jewelry) because I wanted it to be equitable. My brother insisted that I still get the lion share of it because do wear her pieces. I did make him pick out pieces for his daughter and then we gave him most of our dad and grandfather’s jewelry.
D knows that when we die, if there is anything from the grands that she doesn’t want to keep, it is offered to her cousins first. If they don’t want it, then she can sell it. (And she’s to give to them, not sell to them if they want it).
Funny as I am wearing the one piece of jewelry I received from my husband’s family after my mother-in-law died twenty years ago. The bulk of the jewelry likely went to her 2 daughters and not the sons, even though they have daughters.
My one brother-in-law was famous for saying that “dad promised me” different things within the estate (artwork and some antiques). It was very challenging for the two siblings that were executors to figure out the fairest way to value what he claimed and it was very stressful because he didn’t want it “counted” against his share. I don’t think they “back figured” stuff he had already taken/been given.
My mom had very little jewelry. I believe she offered to both me and my sister, none of which was worth much.
I think it will be very difficult to get your sister to agree that the jewelry she already has is part of the estate. However, if it really was worth a lot of money your brother may push for that and perhaps sister would bring out some of it to be valued. Unless the jewelry is very valuable, not sure that it would be worth fighting over for a few thousand dollars each (value divided by 4), especially if nobody wants the jewelry to be sold.
When MIL died, we learned that she had set aside a gold bracelet from her visit to Lebanon for each grandson so that his future bride would have one. Heartwarming though heteronormative sentiment. lol We gave it to ds1’s future wife the night before the wedding last year. She wore it at the vow renewal this year. it was really special so don’t forget the guys when dispersing jewelry!
I agree with not leaving out the grandsons. We have zero from my mil other than cheap costume jewelry and she had a number of beautiful pieces. I found out recently that my SIL does have a good chunk of the jewelry (which she never wears) but the rest is still with FIL. I honestly thought that my fil would gift something of hers to my D when she turned 21, but nope. At this point, I’m sure D will never have any significant jewelry from that grandmother.
I don’t know if she feels badly about that, but I certainly do. Never wanted my niece and nephew to feel that way so it was important to me that my brother take pieces.
Not in a rush, though why wait too long? The process and decisions really don’t change whether it happens this month or a few months from now.
We had some jewelry to divide up. We included my siblings and me only…not our kids. We put it all out, started with the oldest, and went by age, going around until it was all taken.
I will say, at the end, there was some trading and giving away as some folks wanted some things or decided they didn’t want what they had.
There were no hard feelings. And it worked well…but we get along well anyway.
If any of us thought our kids might want something, we just took it in one of our turns.