" It is hard when you have a high achieving kid not to get caught up in the rat race, no matter what everyone here says. Mine isn’t even in college yet but I am dreading the second one who will be harder because he wants more specific things."
A couple of things I’ve learned over the years–
1- Your kid loves MIT, introduce him/her to CMU, Case, RPI, WPI, Missouri M&T. I cannot think of a college- no matter how august- that does not have a version which is easier to get admitted to. Same goes for the rest of the top 25 list. I’ve heard parents bemoan the fact that “Susie doesn’t have a safety-- Swarthmore is so special, if she doesn’t get in there she might as well give up on college”. Hogwash. Swarthmore IS special. But so is Rhodes and Earlham and Franklin and Marshall and Lawrence and Beloit and Conn College. You think Swarthmore has a lock on intellectual 18 year olds? I have a bridge to sell you.
2- The trope “we don’t push her, that’s how she’s wired” is true to some extent (certainly if my own kids are any indication) but that doesn’t mean that you have to enable every pernicious stereotype that’s out there about what is “good enough” or “what does success look like” or “being a happy adult means going to an elite college”. This is on YOU mom and dad, if your kid shows signs of running on the hamster wheel. You have a religious leader in your town who graduated from some college nobody has ever heard of- but is the widely respected, much beloved friend, leader and confidante to everyone-- even the atheists? Show this to your kid. There’s a social worker at your local hospice who graduated from your state’s directional college who won the citizenship award this year and has given comfort to hundreds of dying people and their grieving families? Make your kids watch that ceremony or show up (if in person) or read the transcript of the speeches. Not everyone who is distinguished and makes a difference went to Harvard. Not everyone who leads a distinctive and honorary life has an ivy league diploma. You can bend this arc- all by yourself. Your kid can be ambitious without an unhealthy preoccupation with “elite or my life is over”. There is a children’s librarian in my town who should be canonized. Attended two defunct colleges- both for BA and then MLS. An absolute genius.
3- Jackie Kennedy once said that nothing you do in life will matter at all if you mess up raising your kids (paraphrasing). Your kid wants “more specific things”- it’s on you to broaden that definition. Your kid has the temperament to compete, work hard, not let it rattle his cage? Great. Your kid gets anxious and depressed if he isn’t number 1, or gets a 90 on a test, or a B on a paper- fix that- now. You think going to Elite College is going to make his self-esteem or anxiety issues better?