I’m worried my child is unnecessarily focused on college admissions and not spending enough time just being a kid.
My child is a high school class of '18 with straight As with a very challenging course load at a very academically competitive private school. She is a leader in her extracurricular activities and very well liked by her teachers. She wants to go to one of the two Ivies she happens to be legacy. Her PSAT 10s were in the 98/99 percentiles. She insisted on taking SAT prep over the summer for the October test. And, she wants to start planning college visits now.
I’ve let her decide on what she wants to do, but she is definitely devoting much more attention to the process than I did. I understand that college admissions have changed a lot in 30 years, but as far as I can tell, her scores and grades are high enough to put her solidly in the pool of admitted applicants at the very most selective schools. I don’t want her to burn out too early or miss out on experiencing all the things that don’t get measured by the admissions process.
Assuming she takes the SAT in October and scores around 1450-1500. Can I tell her to not bother taking it again so she can focus on high school?
What else can I do to encourage lowering the stakes and the pressure she puts on herself to think about college?
Not exactly. Her scores and grades are high enough to put her solidly in the pool of qualified applicants at the very most selective schools. You do realize that the majority of legacy applicants are rejected at these schools?
Depending on geography and your family’s plans, it could well make sense to start planning college visits now. My sophomore has already done a few, because we aren’t close to many schools she’s interested in, I don’t want to make a long trip to see a dead campus on break, and so basically we had sophomore spring break, and junior spring break to work with. We visited the two schools she thought she was most interested in, and one other which was on the way because I didn’t want her to go through applications thinking these were her top choices only to discover after applications were in that they really weren’t what she envisioned. Our hs sends very few students to top schools so it’s not so easy to learn more without visiting.
I personally think SAT prep courses are a waste of money but if that’s how she wants to prepare and if you are willing to pay for it, it is entirely reasonable to spend some time on it this summer.
In short, she sounds like she is well organized and committed to achieving well, and most parents would be thrilled by that. As long as she is doing things that she likes, and not things to look good to colleges, I wouldn’t worry. It might help to look into/at some less selective schools so that hopefully she will realize that the rest of her life will not be ruined if she doesn’t get in to one of those extremely competitive schools.
The good news is that a wide range of colleges and scholarships are available to her, including safeties. If she likes those schools, then that can reduce the stress level.
The bad news is that many students in her stat range get pushed (by counselors, teachers, other students, parents) to apply to super-selective reach-for-everyone schools, which greatly increases the stress level.
As a parent, the priority for you is to evaluate the financial plan honestly and conservatively, and clearly communicate any cost limitations to the student, so that she knows before making her application list. Having the money talk in front of a computer where you can run net price calculators on college web sites will give you an idea of what is realistically affordable.
But also encourage her to find affordable safeties that she likes to start off her application list, rather than dreaming about reach-for-everyone schools and scrambling to find safeties as deadlines are passing later.
Just wondering, what do you feel she’s “missing out” on? Does she seem unhappy? My rising junior is also taking a tough course schedule and is very involved in activities but she loves it all, is having a blast in hs, and has made so many friends in her activities. Her SAT course is a prep book, and she has summer homework to do for a few courses, and she’s doing a few camps that she wanted to attend, and reading a lot of books just because she loves reading, but she still spent 6 hours hanging out with her friends yesterday and will be attending another social event tonight. I don’t see that she’s missing out on anything other than a little sleep during the year which I am not entirely happy about. Stress is more about not enough hours in the day to do everything she loves to do.
The pressure doesn’t seem to be coming from you, so she should be fine. The PSAT will be in October which she may be do well enough to be in the running for National Merit, so I’d have her aim for the PSAT before stressing over the SAT. If you haven’t already signed her up for an expensive SAT prep course, with her self-motivation a $15-$20 book from Amazon should give her the practice she needs. I did that with both my kids and they scored great.
I’m going to agree with most of the other posters on this thread. OP, I’d give a lot to have had my kids that interested in the college search. Drumming up enthusiasm has been very slow and sometimes much like a root canal without anesthetic! As long as she’s not obsessing over it and pinning all of her hopes on one “dream school,” she’ll probably be fine. If, on the other hand, you see a marked decrease in her usual social life when school starts, it’s probably time to have a talk with her.
Her peers at her competitive private school may be fanning the flames. At a lot of these schools most of the students have come to believe that you are the college you attend. This kind of brand identity is sad and shows absolutely no sign of going away.
Apart from your headline, I’m not hearing any real indications of stress. It sounds like she is putting a lot of thought and activity into the admissions process, but high activity does not necessarily translate to high stress.
Check in with her now and then about how she’s doing, mentally and emotionally. Make sure she knows it’s safe to talk about being stressed or overburdened if that’s the case. If those check-ins don’t raise any red flags, then I wouldn’t worry too much about her activity level.
Prepping for both the SAT and PSAT actually makes sense, so I have no problem with that. I hope she’s also doing something else this summer! For both my kids who aimed high - I think what they did outside school was much more important than what they did in school. Obviously you want good scores, good GPA and good recommendations, but most of the kids who apply have that. It’s the extra stuff that ends up making a difference. And honestly, I think that extra stuff really has to come from the heart. My older son was Mr. Computer Nerd, younger son was less focussed, but managed to make even the little things he did sound fun and interesting. He could be thoughtful and insightful and funny about small projects.
The best way to reduce the stress IMO is to get in somewhere early via EA, rolling admissions or identifying a college you like well enough with automatic admissions requirements.
Unless you can figure out a way to change the culture of her entire school, you’re kind of stuck with it. Her innate drive and family legacy would probably have her pretty focused on the process anyway.
Do you have family fun time? I know it sounds silly but if her peer environment is competitive and college obsessed, then maybe what you want to do is make the family a refuge from that. Game nights, impromptu beach/lake trips, make your own pizza night…texting not allowed. Expect epic eye rolling and sighs. Letting her invite a friend along might be a way to inoculate the “for heaven’s sake, lighten up” message into the peer group.
Yes, I would identify a college she’s likely to get into that she can apply to early. Even if it’s not a top choice there is still some relief at getting an acceptance in hand, and it may cut down on the number of applications she feels she has to complete.
Also, it’s a bit of a coincidence that of all the colleges in the country, she wants to attend the one you did. Are you sure there are no parental expectations coming into play here?
Nothing wrong with visiting schools at this point. Even when school is not in session, you can learn a lot about preferences - size of campus, self-contained or not, rural/urban/suburban, etc.
If affordability is an issue, you should have that discussion with her now. Also make sure she knows just how selective the Ivies are. Many superbly qualified students are turned away. Try to identify some attractive safeties to round out her list.
At this point, I agree that prep with a book is appropriate and a formal course is probably over the top.
Congrats on having a motivated, hardworking daughter!
I think it’s a great idea for her to start planning her visits now. Once she gets onto a few campuses she can get a better sense of what types of schools interest her. Perhaps she’ll find some non Ivy schools appealing. And if she starts visiting schools now she will have plenty of time to discover the match and safety schools that interest her (which is key to relieving stress). Encourage her to research some of the less selective options, and make sure she shows those schools her interest if she likes them.
This is especially important if the school that she wants to apply to because of the legacy preference has binding Early Decision. At some colleges, legacies only get an admissions advantage if they apply Early Decision or they get a greater admissions advantage if they apply that way. But a student who is accepted Early Decision has no chance to compare financial aid packages – an important concern for some families.
I’m not saying that applying Early Decision to a school where you’re a legacy is necessarily a bad idea. In fact, one of my kids did it (and was admitted). But the financial aspects have to be considered very carefully.
Does your daughter look or act stressed? What you describe sounds like a very well organized, forward thinking high school student. I think she’s actually doing the right things - planning college visits for one’s junior year (she will be a junior this fall, right?) is smart planning. I would also say many parents would love to have their child suggest taking a SAT prep class for October (for PSAT and SAT). If you know your child needs a set time to prepare for the test, a prep class is a good idea. If your child can carve out the time consistently on her own, then maybe a prep book may work. I would discuss with her which method she thinks will work best for her.
As a parent, I would make sure she knows there is a range of good colleges and universities, that she does not have to limit herself to super-selective research universities and LACs (acceptance rates in the teens and single digits). if your family has a history of attending Ivy, and other elite schools, there may be a subtle but very strong message these are the only acceptable schools. I had to actively broaden the college universe beyond HPSM, the rest of the Ivies and a couple of public elite universities.
For many families, cost is a big factor. Have a talk about finances upfront.
I agree with @mathmom, applying and gaining admission EA or rolling to a couple of schools reduces the stress level. The key is making sure the child truly likes these schools and would be happy to attend them. This is the hardest part of the college search - finding the safety.
@snarlatron wrote: “Her peers at her competitive private school may be fanning the flames. At a lot of these schools most of the students have come to believe that you are the college you attend. This kind of brand identity is sad and shows absolutely no sign of going away.”
THIS. x1000
In our experience, affordability considerations & wise, big-picture decisions, got lost in all the prestige-chasing and talk of where students WANTED to go.
It was hard on our D to come to terms with what we could afford. She wanted to be able to choose whatever school she wanted, like her peers. She had feelings of shame and embarrassment.
It’s much better now, but those were some rough months. The selectivity pressure did NOT come from us.
My mom is the same! You know, it is very complicated to be a student these days, not as it was before. Competition is huge, chances not to get a job of your dream and the life of your dream and be killing. “What will I do if i will not be accepted and will not earn enough money for my life…?” These questions are following us when we go to bed and when we wake up.
I would suggest you to show your understanding of her concern. When/if you tell her 'It is not important" - you say that you don’t understand her.
Take her out and do chores together to get her distracted. Send her to Yoga or out with her friends. Help her to rest and other time she will be studying and researching.
I disagree. I think students need to be told, often and by people they respect, that attending an elite college is not important. It won’t really change your life. It won’t make or break her dream job or ability to earn enough money. Road less travelled, etc.
In my opinion, it is important (what college you go to, or if you had enough points to choose the profession you want and not the one that is left). You can tell a kid, prepare her/him that there is still a chance they will not make it to the top and will not be the end of the world. But while she is working towards her best - she should not be stopped, just helped to relax when she need this and left doing what she needs other times.
I appreciate all the feedback. It’s really interesting to see how different people’s perspectives/experiences are from mine. I don’t have any concerns where my daughter will go to college. In part, it is because she’ll do fine in life if she goes to our in-state public university. And, in part, because I know the legacy admission rates are very high in the early decision round at the Ivies my spouse and I attended for students with her academic profile. Other parents have warned us that her high school college counselors will put a lot of pressure on students to apply ED where they are legacy because their odds are so much higher.
And, I am certainly not trying to stomp on my daughter’s motivation. We just came back from the beach in New England and we did a detour to drive by some colleges on her list. It wasn’t a real college tour but she saw some schools that she isn’t as familiar with as our alma maters. I think it broadened her thinking a little, but all the schools were alternative first choice schools, not any potential safeties.
My underlying concern is a desire for my daughter to be more focused on the present and the journey and not to much on the destination. And, I want her to feel secure enough to know that she doesn’t have to be perfect in everything to be a happy. I want her to explore new things, try things that she might fail at, and rebel a little. Those were all very important to me in sorting out who I was at her age. As a parent, I greatly appreciate that she’s much more mature and thoughtful than I was, but what’s so bad about skipping a few classes or getting an A instead of an A+?