If a kid is unhappy with the pressure, I agree it’s up to us to rein them in. It’s part of our jobs as parents to get them to some happy readiness for young adulthood, not simply be so focused on college that we miss the fact that this is all about their lives, today and going forward. Yes, that includes learning when to press (a great skill that will serve them,) but also when to pull back. In the grand scheme of life, college is just one milestone in that journey.
I do agree, without meaning to lay on guilt, that kids pick up cues from their parents. You fret, they sense it. It’s tough to set the bar high and expect them not to realize it.
We have to let go (or appear to) and believe in them, communicate that. Over my years on CC, I have come to see how many colleges, at different levels, have fine programs and great opportunities. I work for a big name school and no longer ascribe to the idea that public prestige is the “it.”