<p>@Sharpener, agree it’s too bad that some feel it necessary to assume a judgmental tone. I think your sharing your story has been very helpful to lots of students and families who find themselves in the same predicament. Not sure if this has already been mentioned: you and your student have already invested a lot in the decision for BS. Again, I applaud your decision to change midstream, if that is what will lead to a better outcome, but one more thought I had is I wonder if investing a little more in the way of tutoring would help. Most BSs are close to universities. There may also be upperclassman willing to do some tutoring. I also found the online tutoring agency wyzant helpful in locating tutors of all kinds. A little extra help may be what she needs to help her meet her goals in terms of grades.</p>
<p>Personal attacks like that cross the line. </p>
<p>I think one of the most valuable things that BS teaches our children is tolerance for opposing points of view and the ability to put forth opinions in a constructive and reasoned manner. BS’s are so diverse that it is almost impossible to spend 4 years there and not come away with a flexible mind. A mind that can remain open to viewpoints that are diametrically opposed to their own. I know my D has told me that classroom discussions can get intense but always remain respectful. We can probably all learn a lot from our children.</p>
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<p>I stand by my post. It satisfies your requirements.</p>
<p>I have read every post here. Sharpener wants anecdotes that will show that his/her daughter will not be irreparably harmed by pulling her out of BS. Only if s/he feels the child will be damaged in some way, will s/he leave the child in her school. Otherwise, this decision is financial. I’m not missing anything here. I just find it appalling. Some people don’t. That’s OK. On we go. Me, to other threads.</p>
<p>I came to the party late. But I think it is human nature for parents to sacrifice a lot to send their child to BS, then want to blame the child if they are not performing. I would challenge the OP to pull back and think about supporting your student a different way, than threatening to pull her out in order to effect change. The way you are feeling is understandable. Whenever, I try not to react, but rather stand back and think about how I can support my child meet his/her goals is helpful. Again, consider online or inperson tutoring to go from B to A. Join with your student and ask him/her what would be the best way to help them. I think you can get where you want to go and feel better about yourself and your student.</p>
<p>Sharpener,</p>
<p>I think in this case you have moved the goalposts after the game has started. Originally you sent her to BS to increase her chances for an Ivy admit, now you expect her to make HYP or you will bring her back home.</p>
<p>To OP, entering late here, hoping to steer away from some of the stridency.</p>
<p>We understood when my D was looking at colleges that the ultimate goal of college is some measure of future security and happiness and worth, regardless of a school’s reputation. </p>
<p>She’s a freshman at a top 30 university that she herself chose, loving it, and is already having far more success than she might have imagined as she pursues summer research opportunities. Is her school’s “name” impressing those whom she’s approaching? Most likely, which may be unfortunate for this discussion. But clearly, her work ethic, assertiveness, stick-to-itiveness, patience, and maturity are the true factors that are ensuring her original goal. Personal attributes that, among others, studies show guarantee success over where one got his/her degree. </p>
<p>Will she at some point be head-to-head with some HYPSM grad who will dazzle simply by virtue of that designation, and lose out on some opportunity? Probably not. Such a terrifying “movie” image is exactly that—a fiction. Everything is relative, and that relativity is ever-shifting throughout life. Things are never so cut and dry as they may seem to you right now. </p>
<p>Things will work out. If you have to make the decision for financial reasons, your D/S will be mature enough to understand. If she/ he stays and still doesn’t get into blah-blah-blah-blah, she/ he will be brilliant and dazzle you, wherever she/ he ends up.</p>
<p>Seriously. Buona fortuna!</p>
<p>I completely understand your thought process and I do not see anything wrong with your desire to bring your daughter home under the circumstances. I think I would do the same thing as you except I would have only told her it was completely to do with a financial hardship and nothing to do with the grades.</p>
<p>Checking back in during some free time over the long holiday (Happy Chinese New Year!) Also, the CC mobile app no longer works after the site revamp which hinders my ability to view CC.</p>
<p>@Choatie – I wasn’t sure what you were trying to accomplish with your posts. But I thought it would be helpful to point you to a sticker on my younger one’s notebook.
T – Is it true?
H – Is it helpful?
I – Is it inspiring?
N – Is is necessary?
K – Is it kind?
Which one of these was your intent?</p>
<p>@redblue – Appreciate the sincere suggestion. In fact DD herself is requesting we set up tutors for her during breaks, and we have also encouraged DD to chase her teachers down after class for additional help. But you remind me of another issue a bit off topic. The rigors of boarding school have made tutoring a near necessity for us. And the expense is significant and not an expense I had anticipated AT ALL. There’s another thread on unplanned BS expenses and most of those I have managed, by just saying NO. But I am finding the tutoring expense to be one very difficult to avoid and refuse my DD.</p>
<p>@swimkids – Never moved the goalposts. HYPSM has been the goal from the start. I alluded to this in previous posts, but I believe if DD stayed where she was she still had a good shot at the non-HYPSM Ivies and LACs without incurring the financial and emotional cost of BS. Her local school has a decent track record of sending kids to the non-HYPSM Ivies. Less to the LACs as I believe there just isn’t the same awareness of these schools here in Asia. (Columbia and UPenn are far, far better known here than Amherst /Williams.) What is being challenged is my heavy weighting on HYPSM as a way to determining the return on investment of BS. </p>
<p>@gondaline – Agree with everything you said. I have no doubt, DD will be successful/happy without going to HYPSM. Unfortunately, she doesn’t think so… yet. She wants HYPSM, it was a goal I could be supportive of so I wanted to support. Of course, I too would be thrilled if she went to HYPSM (Are there parents that wouldn’t be?). For reasons unbeknownst to me, some seem to want to believe that I am brow beating DD into attending HYPSM. As a counter to that, I point to my younger who doesn’t appear to have the HYPSM “mindset” which is fine. We will pursue other ways of supporting her. </p>
<p>@Sharpener</p>
<p>ChoatieMom is very well regarded here, and was honest enough to tell you what she thought in a more respectful, considerate and information-oriented tone than I did. I just told you you have an obsessive psychiatric problem that you are taking out on your kid. She did not deserve your condescending content-absent flame of a response. I might. </p>
<p>And by the way, tutoring and extra help at the boarding schools is often free, provided by peers, or supported by group class that is included in tuition. You will just begin to scratch the surface of the cost of tutoring in Asia. </p>
<p>Are there parents who wouldn’t be thrilled with HYPSM? Me. My kids are each at their top choice top 20 universities outside of New England. We have all enjoyed learning to get to know other parts of the country without the HYPSM mindset. </p>
<p>@2prep – When DD comes home for break she gets help from tutors in Asia so am intimately familiar with the expense. My response to @Choate was simply to consider contributing posts that move the conversation forward by offering suggestions, anecdotes or clarifications. Telling someone they are “bad” or “crazy” just because their views don’t align with yours isn’t productive. I am responsible for my family and you are responsible for yours. Judgmental comments from people one doesn’t know has absolutely zero impact.</p>
<p>In fact, it is because of such judgmental comments that those with alternate views from the “CC Prep School Mafia” don’t voice opinions here or get bullied into slinking away. It’s why @howdoipay has <em>STILL</em> not been able to defend their comment “The HYPSM crazed don’t post here? That’s absurd.”</p>
<p>Sharpener, I’m sorry, but your story seems to be changing. Are you saying your D wants HYPSM or you, as suggested in your original post? </p>
<p>From that post, it sounds like you understand her chances of getting into one of those schools are slimmer than slim. And maybe it’s best to tell your D this and assess whether she should remain in her BS for other reasons. And it’s up to you to tell her that she WILL be happy and successful without attending those five schools, or even the “non HYPSM Ivies”, as much as her peers and the wider culture might make her think otherwise. </p>
<p>I think you were originally asking for advice on how to break it to your D that she has to come home and that your original reasons for putting her in BS aren’t likely to pay off, right? Maybe you should ask, then, for advice on how to encourage her and everybody in your household to have realistic goals and expectations, instead of tips on how to improve her chances of getting into HYPSM via tutoring or whatnot. I’m kinda scratching my head at your disingenuousness.</p>
<p>I have to be forthright and say that it sounds like cultural pressures to get into certain brass ring schools are what are really driving the decision-making in your family. Until you’re able to help alter and expand the dialogue within your home and your country regarding college admissions and post-graduate success, then little will change. </p>
<p>Out with herd mentality! </p>
<p>^^Story hasnt changed at all. Was just responding to someone else’s suggestion that we look for ways, like tutoring, to raise her grades so we can avoid pulling her out. I responded by saying we are already very, very familiar with tutoring and already quite actively engaged in it.</p>
<p>Please explain the logic behind employing high priced tutors for a child achieving a B average at a highly rigorous BS. It’s akin to me buying my kid an expensive boat and expecting him to medal every time even though I know there are other kids in club boats (held together with duct tape and twine) who can beat him. </p>
<p>OP has not changed her story from the very beginning. It’s just that people are trying to twist or interpretate what she is saying. My understanding is:
- D had the aspiration of going to HYPSM
- In order to achieve that, the family (OP) decided the D would have the best chance by going to a top BS in the US.
- Going to a top BS required a lot of sacrifice on the family - money and family time.
- D is not getting good enough grades to get into HYPSM now
- Therefore there is no reason to continue the sacrifice.</p>
<p>Many people on the BS board see there are a lot more value of going to BS other than getting into HYPSM, and that’s fine, but a lot of those people probably also have a lot more money and live closer to the BS. When writing a check for 60K/per year is just a why not, and going to visit one’s kid is jus few hours away, the decision is different than OP’s. As some BS parents have posted on the “why send you kid to a boarding school,” one of the reasons is that they do not have many options at their local schools. in the OP case, they have perfectly acceptable options at home, by going to the D’s current BS was to give her a boost of getting into HYPSM. </p>
<p>Not sure why one wouldn’t get a tutor for a student if he/she is getting a B. B means there is still room for improvement.</p>
<p>So does an A. </p>
<p>@Sharpener: I think the biggest concern here is if and how your daughter could handle the situation well enough when you pull her out after she’s been in her BS for two years. It would take some time and effort for her to integrate into her new school (that would be the same for any kid transferring school) and this would happen in her junior year, which is most critical for college admission. But, if it’s something you have to do, I think you need to try very hard to get your daughter on the same page. I agree it is a family decision to have a kid going to an expensive school so far away from home. There have to be enough incentives (which obviously differ among families) to justify that move. You should try to show her the whole picture in your mind, then listen to her concerns and address them, foresee the possible difficulties during the upcoming transition and start thinking of strategies to deal with them… The transition would be a lot easier if she herself has the motivation to work toward a successful transition. Good luck!</p>
<p>Now, a little off topic and you may not want to discuss it any more, but some posters upthread have said that the network/connections one builds in boarding schools are highly valuable and more so than those you could have in elite colleges. This is not the first time I’ve heard of it, but my child was out of BS not too long ago, so I have no first hand experience just yet to prove it one way or the other. I wonder if other posters can elaborate and rationalize why that is, especially why they are “better connections” than those of elite colleges? </p>
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<p>Many people on the BS board see there are a lot more value of going to BS other than getting into HYPSM, and that’s fine, but a lot of those people probably also have a lot more money and live closer to the BS. When writing a check for 60K/per year is just a why not, and going to visit one’s kid is jus few hours away, the decision is different than OP’s. As some BS parents have posted on the “why send you kid to a boarding school,” one of the reasons is that they do not have many options at their local schools. in the OP case, they have perfectly acceptable options at home, by going to the D’s current BS was to give her a boost of getting into HYPSM.</p>
<p>Not sure why one wouldn’t get a tutor for a student if he/she is getting a B. B means there is still room for improvement.<<</p>
<p>My only question in this is, was this made crystal clear to the D that the whole point of going to BS was to gain admission to HYPSM? And if it was clear that it was not going to be an option, then she would be brought home?</p>
<p>@oldfort - Thank you, thank you for your objecticity and nice summary. I think because this can such an emotional topic folks want to believe certain things about me or my dilemma.</p>
<p>@benley - Yes. Near term I am very concerned about the disruption and such a critical time in her life. But I am also concerned killing her ambition and her eternal resentment of me. And I think your question about comparing networks is actually pretty germane and am looking forward to the responses.</p>
<p>@surfcity - Admittedly the thought of bringing her home was on my mind if she didnt make the grades before we sent her off, as I had a good idea of how talented these kids would be and what she was getting herself into. But I didnt bring it up because I didnt want to add to the pressure she was already putting on herself nor did I want to be dreamkiller. While I see what you are getting at, even if I had brought it up then not sure if it would make current dilemma any easier to deal with for her or us.</p>