We happen not to be doing that with our S, but I totally get the “have them pay some small amount of rent - and give it back” thing. Makes total sense.
Our oldest graduated in May and has been living with us while looking for a job. As others have said, as long as she has a plan and is working, actively looking for a job, applying to grad schools, etc she is welcome to live with us rent free. Naturally we expect her to be a contributing member of the household as far as daily chores are concerned. She started a job last week that is a reasonable commute from home, so she is welcome to continue to live here and save some money before moving out. Fortunately, she has a roommate lined up who is a friend from college and is also living with her parents for a few months. Both of them are eager to move but realize the benefit of being patient while they save and apartment hunt. We also helped update her wardrobe to include more professional attire. She and I are both grateful that she has this option.
We are a lot like @momofthreeboys. I love having my kids at home, but know it is best for them to be independent. They know they have to be self supporting upon completing their undergrad, and I think it helped them stay focused. That doesn’t mean they can’t be at home for a couple months waiting for grad school to start or a job start date, or during an earnest job search. And I’d let one live with me if they had a job or grad school and paid some rent.
I HOPED my S would get a job right at graduation, and use career center to help find a job. I always made it clear I expected kids to be on their way to independence after college. Of course living at home would be fine, but WORKING was expected. S graduated in May, and so far has done nothing about getting a job. I’m very frustrated and quite frankly not quite sure how to proceed. I did not expect to be dealing with this.
@Pizzagirl, we think alike! I helped my DD find an apartment and shop for furniture this summer. It was a blast! I searched the Internet for the best quality, cheap wood furniture I could find. DH, DD and I spent a week assembling it all. Best of all, she appreciates my efforts. Oh, and we paid for everything!
1214- you must run a very nice Bed and Breakfast if your son shows no inclination to move out.
Maybe cut back on the amenities? Does he have access to your car when you get home from work? I’d stop that. Is there food in the fridge that he didn’t go grocery shopping for? I’d cut back on that. No laundry service, no cell phone (of course he can use the family computer for his job search, but the data plan on his phone would end on September 1).
You’d be shocked how quickly a kid can find a job when the goodies stop.
Hugs- this must be challenging.
I’m sorry, 1214mom. That must be very frustrating.
@1214mom - Perhaps your S is anxious about the transition to “real life.” Parents seem to understand when their kids are nervous about college, but often expect kids to seamlessly transition to real life upon graduation. It’s a big jump from being financially supported by parents, with a generally prescribed path (take xyz classes and get good grades) and defined goal (graduation) to the uncertainties of the work place and financial self sufficiency. Friends scatter, people constantly ask what you’re going to do with your life, extended breaks are a thing of the past. And if your S didn’t avail himself of career services at college or previously apply for summer internships, he may feel unsure of his job search skills.
I’d talk to him and try to find out what’s going on. Perhaps help him formulate a job search plan. You could make adherence to the plan a condition to his living at home.
Your son may not realize it, but it’s very likely that the career services at the college he graduated from are still available to him as an alumnus. And that could help him with his job search.
After having my senior 3000 miles away all summer I’m hoping he finds something nearby next summer. I’m certain he will be off on his own soon than later. We have been launching him little by little all along.
I suspect more parents help their kids out more than they are willing to admit, from paying for health insurance/phone/car to graduate school expenses.
I was lucky with D1 that she was able to get a job to be self supporting as soon as she graduated, so other than giving her an allowance until she got her first bonus and getting her on my insurance (free for me), I haven’t had to do anything for her.
D2 wants to go to law school and is doing a 2 year paralegal internship near home. She is living at home and paying me 50% of her earning for rent, which I will give back to her when she goes to law school. She is paying for some utilities and her own grocery (I work some place else during the week). I probably will help out with tuition or living expenses for law school. I figure I would give her an inheritance some day anyway, so why not help her out when she really needs it.
I bought both of my kids’ work wardrobe the first year.
I think at the end of day we all want our kids to be launched and live a productive life. What I do not understand is when parents continue to enable their kids pursuing a pipe dream. Their kids are in their 30s and still trying to find themselves.
I will always let my kids come home if they should ever need a place for whatever reason, as long as it doesn’t become long term. 
The plans for now are that we will help D with undergrad as much as possible.
She has full tuition so remaining are fees, housing, food, and books. So far that has been possible without loans but she did take out her subsidized loan to save for grad school.
When she is a senior her brother will most likely start college as well and she might have to take out a loan for that year. She is most likely living off campus with a roommate by then so that might save some money.
For year 3 and 4 of pharmacy school she will be considered a grad student so will take out grad loans for that, unless she gets a scholarship. She will most likely do a residency year or two as well after her PharmD, but she will get paid a modest salary and will have health insurance coverage.
My parents helped us whenever able, and we hope to help our kids as well.
I struck a deal with my recent college grad-- she’d like to go to grad school (2-3 years from now) in a discipline that will not be likely to come with an assistantship or tuition remission. So, we are continuing to cover her health insurance, car insurance, phone-- but she is paying that equivalent into a savings account for when she goes to grad school to help cover tuition. So she is learning what her realistic budget is while we are helping her save for future expenses.
We paid for D’s first/last month’s rent/security deposit, we set her up with some furnishings, and we bought some essentials for her (work clothes etc.–the student wardrobe wouldn’t cut it in an office). She could not have shown up at her employer, ready to work, without our help, because as a graduating college senior, she did not have thousands of extra dollars lying around in her bank account to help set up an independent life.
D graduated without a job in hand and lived at home for about 6 weeks before getting an offer. The experience wasn’t ideal because she was stressed and anxious about the job search, and because life in deepest, darkest car-dependent suburbia with no peer group is boring and isolating for a 22-year-old. It is not easy to live with your parents after graduation.
I would scrub floors to pay for health insurance for my kids. That one item is something I’m very willing to pay.
@thumper1 we plan on keeping our kids on our health care as long as we can. To me that’s am entirely different thing from launching.
@MotherOfDragons my kids are 28 and 31. Keeping them on our plan is a ship has sailed.
So…I would scrub floors to make sure the have an individual plan.
Yes, of course, they can be covered under parent’s plan until 26 now, and for us it costs the same to have 2 or 3 kids on the policy. We will pay health insurance until they have a job with their own coverage. She will most likely be at least 24 by then.
Our plan is to do whatever we can to help our kids launch, and be happy we have the opportunity. This is their home. I can’t imagine turning them away.
Our home is open to our siblings and their children too. When our generation is gone, we hope the cousins continue to look after one another and pay it forward to the next generation.
Even with her own insurance, the oldest is still on our family plan. Why not? It doesn’t cost us any extra. Oldest d’s coverage (which is better than ours) is primary, but even ours as secondary has covered her deductibles and coinsurance amounts. I don’t see how making her pay those things just to be a grown up serves any purpose. She already has a lease and utilities, bought a vehicle, set up insurance, dealt with the cable company about a problem, etc. What lesson is she missing?