The "What Next" Phase? After college....

<p>I am wondering what role you all played in the process of your kid deciding what to do next after college. My assumption is that the role should be that of counselor. And I honestly don't care what comes next - I at this point honestly only want my kid to find a happy and societally beneficial path in life. And as far as I am concerned many many careers are societally beneficial, I have a low bar.</p>

<p>But what conversations did you have? How did you sum up what you know about the early years out of college? What if graduate school were a discussed alternative, but still no real decision. What if working and earning money were discussed, but no real decision. What do you say? How do you process and structure this time with your kid? To be of value to them?</p>

<p>Other of course than the usual fun mom stuff, make them food, tickle them, go to movies with them, gossip with them, etc.</p>

<p>My own career path was so eclectic that it's kind of hard to know how to extrapolate lessons. And my own parents gave me absolutely zero career advice, so I can't even echo the wise words of my father or anything.</p>

<p>Hmmm.</p>

<p>Your parents were wise. Every kid should find their own path. If they ask I'd say something but otherwise, you are on your own--make the best of it. I'd say by brother sister and I all bounced around a bit from 22-27 before settling in on something. Great times.</p>

<p>They need a sympathetic ear. That's all. </p>

<p>My son called me one night at about midnight in mid-February this year, asking if I thought he should go to law school. I asked "when?" and he said he was thinking about applying for the coming year. I asked if he had taken the LSAT... he said he thought he would go ahead and apply and then take the exam. I checked on line and determined that the last LSAT exam for the season had been given the previous weekend... when I informed my son that it was too late to take the exam for the current admissions year, he launched into a diatribe about various things wrong with his post-graduation job prospects. ("I've realized I don't really want to do ......") </p>

<p>Finally I wised up and asked him whether he had been thinking about this for awhile or whether he was just feeling that way for the first time that night. Answer: "just now" Then I got really smart and asked him whether it was him talking, or the wine. When it turned out to be the wine, I told him to go to bed and call me back the next day if he still felt so distraught. </p>

<p>The next contact I had from him was a request to proofread his resume and some talk about various jobs he was applying for.</p>

<p>It's really tough for a kid on the brink of "the rest of his life" -- but I don't think that this is a time for much parental interference other than encouragement and reassurance. Of course the kid is going to be riddled with doubts -- every possible decision has significant long-term, life-altering consequences. Even if the kid finds a dream job or gets into an ideal graduate program, there will probably be some self-doubt and questioning.</p>

<p>Agree with Barrons. I remember my parents "inviting" me home for 2 weeks after college graduation "if I wanted a break before I started working." And I remember them shipping me the stuff from my childhood bedroom soon after I moved into my first apartment. I don't recall feeling offended by their attitude at all, although I probably had a "oh wow this is it moment" but I can't really recall so it must not have been too traumatic. They were supportive and if I recall loaned me some apartment deposit money but it was pretty hands off. It's a path my husband and I firmly plan and agree on taking with our kids.</p>

<p>Ditto-- I have a recent grad who took a crazy, risky path and landed happily. I listened and reminded S of his strengths. I echoed choices and ideas and sent vibes of confidence while keeping my anxiety stuffed away. I can't say it was easy, but I knew he would figure it out in time.</p>

<p>As much emotional support as possible; as little financial support as possible.</p>

<p>If they move to a new city post-college that isn't yours (as my 2 did) keep the cellphone juiced up in case they want to call and ask for advice.</p>

<p>When they don't ask for advice, don't worry. When they do ask for advice, don't worry. Sounding board, basically.</p>

<p>From my POV, it's all about keeping the lines of communication open rather than landing upon a real plan "for" or even "with" them. </p>

<p>Mine needed a summer at home immediately after graduation before pushing off for "the rest of their lives" in other cities. One worked a summer job, one performed in a circus for a month, but by September they were raring to go forward. I think their friends with grad school plans began writing in about starting up their engines in grad school for September, so that might have stimulatd their departures then.</p>

<p>The as little financial support as possible is the part I have zero experience with. When I graduated from college I had already received an inheritance which meant that I could take jobs that paid almost nothing, and still live well. So I, and my siblings, did a fair amount of wandering through the world having experiences. Some good things to that, some not so good. Amazing the amount of anxiety created by lack of necessity.</p>

<p>In any case, is that what everyone does? Say, OK, now go earn a living? Here's my naivete. Is it possible? Unless you get a high-paying job, how do kids just out of college live without parental support?</p>

<p>I help when it means the family finances are at risk. We carried S on Cobra for a few months when his first (dream) job did not offer health insurance. We are asking for a higher level of car insurance than S would otherwise purchase, so we pony up the difference. But otherwise he needs to live within his means and save for the rough spots and travel-lust. I would float him a loan to prevent credit card debt.
They tend to live in groups and share space in apartments, it can work.</p>

<p>Mine are and always will be welcome to come live with me. I doubt it is anything they'd ever choose, but the door is always open. It works for Italians. And it was worked for the vast majority of people who have ever occupied the face of the earth. I just don't see it as a big deal.</p>

<p>(Of course, with the size of my older d.'s fellowship, and her neglible spending, I'm thinking we'll borrow money from her to pay for the younger one's college. And the younger one is going to be rich, so I'm not too concerned.)</p>

<p>Our door will always be open, as well. Our oldest d, a class of 2005 grad, has been living independently several hundred miles away for the past two years. She did need (and did receive) our help for about six months following graduation - we were far happier to provide it than she was to need it! She lived at home for half a year after struggling to make it on her own immediately following graduation. We are so glad we welcomed her home for this brief period. It gave her the opportunity to gain some management experience in a rather low-paying setting; she's been able to turn this into a job in her dream field that pays well enough for her to cover all her bills, save an impressive amount of money, and have lots of fun in a great metropolitan area. One size does not fit all post-graduation living arrangements, and just because a 20-something comes home for a (brief) while after graduation doesn't mean he/she will be in permanent residence. :)</p>

<p>So they can come home to live - for some varying amount of time - but you don't give them a stipend for an apartment or anything. OK. Boy I have hole in my parenting book:). </p>

<p>Do you give them career advice? Generic career advice? Like, um, for your first job try to get as much training/learn as much as you can? Or just zip it and wait for questions?</p>

<p>My S had multiple job offers by Christmas of his senior year so we didn't have to think about him.
My D moved to Washington DC with several friends after graduation . She slept on friend's couches for 2 months before landing a job and a shared apartment. We supplemented her financially the first year but we made it known that the financial help was very temporary.</p>

<p>Would have done the same for S had he needed it.</p>

<p>I scrambled around with almost no money for a few years in my early twenties but my parents helped with emergencies. Our son, after freshman year, is already talking Peace Corps. I just encourage him, whatever he says.</p>

<p>Thinking about my kids being graduates is jumping the line a bit, though Mathson is so focussed I imagine something will likely fall in his lap when the time comes. The big question being which coast he'll end up on. </p>

<p>When I finished graduate school I had a grant to study southern Californian Spanish Colonial Revival architecture. Quite handy since husband-to-be was at Caltech and the week I graduated from architecture school the biggest firm in NY had just laid off 300 workers. I was glad to have 6 months or so living expenses taken care of. I eventually found a job in an architural related field, got laid off, worked part time at Caltech, got rehired by the first firm part time, found another better job. I was also lucky that my share of the rent was $35 a month. Even then, that was ridiculously cheap. And while I was working at a library at Caltech I was able to get healthcare that cost $12 a month. Also ridiculously inexpensive - I kept it for my later jobs. My parents were serving in Uganda when I graduated so going home to live with them wasn't really in the cards.</p>

<p>I don't think I ever asked my parents for money, but they may well have been generous about giving it to me.</p>

<p>"how do kids just out of college live without parental support?"</p>

<p>Some kids may have to reduce the style of living to which they've become accustomed.</p>

<p>My parents, middle to upper middle class, never said we couldn't come home and never said they wouldn't support us....but....I guess it was understood by me and my siblings that going home wasn't an option. All of us liberal arts graduates, we were fortunate to have our parents pay for our undergraduate education. A couple of us took jobs out of college that were very low paying. One of us in an expensive northereastern city, the other in a relatively low priced southern town. We lived within our salaries. I couldn't have imagined asking my parents for support. And, regretably, there was no inheritance to fall back on.</p>

<p>A couple of us went to graduate school, on our own dime. Lived in nearly substandard housing....with limited budget for entertainment. But...I felt less "deprived" then than I do now!</p>

<p>I will probably need to be more specific with my children than my parents were with me. I love my kids....but they need to have the expectation that they will live on their own (with or without roommates!) and be responsible for their own well-being. Which may mean either sacrificing their middle class life style for a while....or sacrificing a job they might love for one that will support their lifestyle.</p>

<p>
[quote]
how do kids just out of college live without parental support?

[/quote]
My son, who has just graduated with a BA in Poli Sci from a lower tier public (CSU) says that the jobs he is applying for pay starting salaries of between $35K - $55K. Your kid, graduating from Princeton, should probably have some better options -- though my son does have the added benefit of 4 years' real world work experience + a congressional internship under his built. Political jobs don't tend to pay a whole lot though. </p>

<p>When he was age 20, on hiatus from school, he earned about $25K at his first job, so I'd pretty much put that down as a floor.</p>

<p>I keep finding Peace Corps brochures in my mailbox -- my son has an application in but says that it is unlikely he will go -- so I think the Peace Corps is his fallback position if he can't find a job that is at all appealing to him. The Peace Corps pays next to nothing, of course, but I do think that it solves the problem of "live without parental support". </p>

<p>Back when my son was earning $25K annually and living entirely on his own he managed to save up about $10K over 2 years. He went out to dinner from time to time, saw movies, and spent more money on wine and beer than I would ever approve of, so I don't think his life was too miserable. He has always lived in apartments shared with 1 or more roommates, but always had his own room, and usually that bedroom is as large or larger than the one he has available in my house --so the "living on his own" part is quite doable. It is really helpful to get a job that includes a health plan -- but my son has been paying for his own high-deductible plan for the past couple of years and that has been affordable for him. (He felt that the private plan was a lot better in terms of coverage than the plan offered by his college, and not all that much more expensive). </p>

<p>It really isn't all that difficult.</p>

<p>Alumother, does your daughter have work experience? Summer jobs/internships, etc? If so, then I think that there is very little advice that a parent can give that the kid wouldn't be able to figure out on their own, unless it is very specific such as tax advice or help choosing an insurance plan. For example, both my kids had 1099 income this past year and had to report self-employment income on their 1040's.... so I was a big help there. Then again, my d. probably got better advice from a free tax workshop given through her college's financial aid dept - I don't know everything.</p>

<p>My daughter finished up projects that was an extension of her workstudy job at her college after graduation- luckily being able to live in a house a stones throw from campus.
When that ended and current students moved in, she moved in with other recent grads and tried various jobs.
( she is able to pay on her loans and eat at the same time but she has always been skillful that way)
At the end of this month, she is moving with her roommates into a new house that sounds great and also starting a new job that sounds promising as well.</p>

<p>We don't give her money although we do ask if she needs any help.
She doesn't , but I think she is just watching our wallet.</p>

<p>Apparently the "open nest" is gaining popularity:</p>

<p><a href="http://online.wsj.com/public/article/SB121130668211207625-rT32twRP3XIDrVUgmb8zsD1fLro_20080619.html?mod=tff_main_tff_top%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://online.wsj.com/public/article/SB121130668211207625-rT32twRP3XIDrVUgmb8zsD1fLro_20080619.html?mod=tff_main_tff_top&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p>

<p>I take a much more proactive stance than most of the previous posters.</p>

<p>If a kid has many interests and many options, he has many decisions to make.
I have a lot more experience making decisions. So far, my involvement is usually successful.</p>

<p>Currently, kid is stuck in the desert, having put diesel fuel in friend's car, which can't be driven. What to do?</p>