This is no longer your home seems really harsh. Life takes some crazy twists and turns. My daughters snd son-in-law are always welcome.
When an upper middle class friend of mine decided to support their son’s majoring music composing, I believe that planned financial support for many years after college was deemed necessarily and part of the decision. Not lavishly. Just enough so that money won’t limit him from taking already competitive career opportunities within the industry.
I have less, but I disclosed my financial status and told DD to consider any surplus as her availability if she plans to take a sometimes underpaid profession - i.e. sculpting. For us, having a child was taking a lifelong commitment.
I just don’t think it’s very realistic to cut off support on graduation day. Rents, insurance, cell phone etc. are expensive necessities that weren’t so expensive (or were non-existent) when I graduated in the late 80s. We now live in a more regulated, less freewheeling time. It’s harder for young people today to gain traction financially or professionally. Parents should not assume that their kids can do what they were able to do at a similar age. The economy is different.
That said, there are jobs out there. They may not be great, but they are there. I would not accept a college-grad child living in my home, not working or actively looking for work. No excuse for that.
I agree completely. I graduated in 1986 into a job that I’d had an offer from since January. Even average students got jobs by graduation and could easily self support and have $ left over to both pay down debt and have a little fun. I think the economy is completely different.
“I want my kid to have the obligation of paying rent, even if it is below market. Whether I give it back to her or not is my option. No, I don’t want her to think she has more disposable income just because she is living at home.”
We aren’t doing this but I totally get why people do this. Similarly, I have a friend who could afford to be full pay but wanted her D to have skin in the game and pay a certain amount (maybe it was 5 or 10 percent, I don’t really remember). D did so, mom collected it, invested it and gave it back to D at graduation which enabled her to set up shop in her new city. It’s a good way of teaching delayed gratification.
Marian, I am curious why your relative had NO grace period in between graduation and a job that might not have started til, say, July.
I totally get not wanting to support someone who has no plan and is lazing around, but what is the rationale for not even a few weeks for someone who is clearly gainfully employed? Sometimes start dates are dictated by training programs and the like; it’s unrealistic to expect that a graduate will literally start the day after graduation. It’s not up to them.
@NJsue, I agree with that. I paid for much of my own college, while working part time, and paying very little rent.
It’s simply not that easy these days. But the kids do need to be moving towards independence after college, even if it takes some time to be “totally” I dependent.
@1214mom, I think that recent grads can get overwhelmed and feel depressed because it can be hard to get started. Those 6 weeks my D was at home were very hard because for the first time in her life, there was no plan and no obvious moving forward. Looking for a job is a psychologically difficult thing, especially when you’ve been on the education track your whole life. Adult life is a pathless jungle and you have to cut your way through it. Even bright, diligent kids have a hard time making that adjustment sometimes.
@NJSue, I am certainly learning that right now. I have experience many emotions this summer, from frustration, to understanding, to anger… Trying to figure out how to “help” my son, while at the same time not let myself be “taken advantage of.” That’s not quite the right word, but hopefully you get what I’m saying. Reading these posts is helping remind me to be sensitive to the overwhelming feelings he is likely having. (He is not one to share his feelings).
When my D was at home (and I did not know how long she would be there), I tried to treat her as an adult. She did her own laundry, she cooked dinner for us occasionally, she dealt with her own personal needs. I did not serve her as I did when she was in high school. We did tell her that we were an early-rising working household and she could not be galumping around at 1 a.m. on a collegiate schedule, disturbing her father who wakes up at 4 to commute into the city. I did suggest to her that she focus on job search activities in the morning; in the afternoon, we would go to the beach or run errands together. They say that job searching should be a full-time job but that’s frankly not very realistic. As it turns out, she got a suitable job fairly quickly, but I was also wondering at what point I would require her to take any job she could get locally, just to get her out of the house. Fortunately it did not come to that.
I have read that 82% of college grads are living at home. Sorry cannot cite.
Ironically, at the moment, I am spending the night at my elderly (89)mother’s in her assisted living suite. I had to evacuate an apartment. I am on her couch! (I sold my house two years ago.)
At this point, I may end up on my kids’ couch not the other way around.
D1 is home following graduation in June as she is in the 2017 dental school application cycle. She works one or two days a week for me and has picked up a daily driving job (temporary) picking up kids from local schools and driving them to the child care center she attended as a child. We provide room, board, our cell phone plan, car+insurance. No entertainment $$ unless she is with the family. She’s okay with it all, but envies her friends who have real jobs and apartments. She spent the summer getting her CNA and BLS certificates and is actively looking for another job.
I can’t imagine telling her she couldn’t come home for this year. Plus I am really enjoying having her as my “only” child (#3 in birth order)!
"How would I feel my kid left home after two years and I gave him the money, only to hear "Six months ago, I had an opportunity for a terrific job in another city, but I didn’t have enough money for the deposit on an apartment. If I had known that I was going to get my rent money back from you, "
How would I feel? I’d feel like I ran a cold, cruel household and had no relationship with him to speak of if he were living under my roof, had received a job offer he was excited about, and didn’t even tell me. Honestly, Marian, the fact that you envisioned this scenario is disturbing, because it just implies a level of coldness and emotional distance between parent / child that seems plausible to you. Coupled with the “this isn’t your home and never will be.” Someone in your life was / is really rough and cruel to family members and for that I’m really sorry, as you’re a nice, good person.
We all can debate how long we would provide the soft landing for a kid, how much effort / motivation we’d want to see, whether we pay for gas / insurance / etc or not, and whether we would charge rent or not, but I don’t think anyone on here could fathom their kid living at home and getting a serious job offer and not hearing about it til six months later when he moves out to take a different job and then tells you that he was really excited about the first one but didn’t think it was feasible. My job, so to speak, is to be a sounding board for my kid who is searching for jobs / applying to grad school. It is unfathomable that he would get an offer he was excited about and wouldn’t excitedly tell me, my H and his sister within the day. That’s what family is for. To celebrate your successes with you - and if something isn’t immediately feasible, to brainstorm with you ways of making it happen.
Perverse Incentives folks. Or Adverse Incentives.
Don’t create a scenario where you are penalizing your kid for engaging in the activity you want him/her to do. Compensation Design 101.
If the goal is for your kid to get a satisfying, career-potential job after graduating with a degree, don’t set up barriers to your kid achieving that goal. Yes- maximizing short term compensation can be a good idea, but not at the expense of long term planning and thinking.
If a kid’s goal is to work in public policy/government, the optimal first job may be a minimum wage staffer job at your state capitol, doing constituent relations work for a state senator. A city you do not live in. Have the kid figure it out- 3 roommates in an apartment designed for 2. Taking the bus to work with an occasional Uber. Brown bagging lunch. These jobs lead to better jobs very quickly. And if your kid realizes he/she hates working in state politics, better to learn it now than after a 2 year Master’s degree in policy and government, no? A little thrift never hurt anyone.
If a kid’s goal is to become a museum curator, and gets an offer in your home town for a one year project to help digitize the collection of the local historical society-- minimum wage, no benefits, and the alternative is a job at the same salary but with healthcare benefits as a cashier at Target, seems to me that living at home for the year, keeping the kid on your healthcare plan for the year (assuming the extra cost is zero) is the way to go.
No one size fits all if the goal is long term independence, a career which makes your kid happy to get out of bed in the morning, and all the trappings of adulthood (insurance, paying off loans, etc).
I am happy to support my kids at home in any way I can as long as I see them being productive and moving forward- whether that means grad school or a career. One worked part time this summer while attending school, and she will be moving soon to attend grad school full time. I don’t mind buying what she needs, and am happy that I can. My other one is in undergrad but if she takes a year off and comes home to fill out grad school apps, study for necessary tests, work a little, etc I will be equally supportive.
I see too much enabling where I live. Parents allow their kids to graduate college and wait for the " perfect, top company" to hire them. In the meantime the kids don’t work at all, and the parents pay for a car, give them a credit card and pay the bill, shopping, travel, dinners etc. It’s not healthy and does nothing to foster independence.
My DD graduated undergraduate in 2.5 years (IB Diploma + some summer classes) so we used the rest of the money for a Master’s in Secondary Math Education. When she graduated but before she had a job, I hooked her up with a friend of mine who had an empty half of a duplex that wasn’t being used and she stayed there for the summer for nominal rent. When she got a teaching job we moved her to her new apartment. We had been helping her buy work clothes over the years for summer jobs and the like. We donated some bed room furniture for her new apartment and various extraneous kitchen items. She doesn’t need a car in NYC so she was okay with transportation.
[quot] These jobs lead to better jobs very quickly.
[/quote]
Or never. I think we can all look up how much public defenders and prosecutors make. Of course many of those lawyers go into private sector and make a comfortable living. I have no issues with my kids go into arts, music or any jobs that would make them feel extremely fulfilled, as long as it could support the life style they want. I am not going to provide free rent, car payments or other subsidies so they could pursue their “dreams.” At some point they need to wake up and live in the real world.
Oldfort- did you read my post?
blossom - I re-read it and I missed few points because I was reading it quickly. I do agree with you overall. I would help my kid out financially for her to take the job that would be better for her long term, but I wouldn’t continuous subsidize her so she could pursue a career that couldn’t support the lifestyle she wants.
“I see too much enabling where I live. Parents allow their kids to graduate college and wait for the " perfect, top company” to hire them. In the meantime the kids don’t work at all, and the parents pay for a car, give them a credit card and pay the bill, shopping, travel, dinners etc. It’s not healthy and does nothing to foster independence."
I think there are shades of gray here. My S is in this situation with lots of irons in the fire and living at home temporarily. He’s very motivated to be independent and he’s very grateful for the help he gets. But I’m also happy to do little things to make his life easier. If I’m taking a bunch of things to the dry cleaners, it’s no big deal for me to toss one of his shirts in and I’m not going to charge him for it. I’m not going to pay if he and his buddies go out for pizza, but if H and I go out for dinner, he’s always welcome to come along. It’s very possible I’m enabling more than I should; it’s always hard to know.