<p>Okay, so my first born, son, is headed off to college in the fall. Need some advice from parents who have already been there and done that! I know it's time for me to let him make his own decisions. He's a guy with a vision. He has a solid plan; it's just not what I thought he would do.
I think he's selling himself short.....choosing a lesser prestigious university closer to home (he was accepted to a more prestigious university, but didn't like the feel of it when we visited). He compared the curriculum and quality of professors of both universities and put some thought into it. I think he chose the university he did because it was the first college we went to. He loved it from the start. He said it just felt right there. He talked to several students there (mostly juniors and seniors) and that was it! His mind was made up.
I thought I had accepted this, but it's still there....ever constant on my mind. I thought he would go to an ivy league. He has no interest in going to an ivy league for his undergrad studies. He is practical to a fault. His undergrad is all paid for at this university (up and coming in the ranks) and then he wants to attend an ivy league for grad school. He will start debt free there. So many of his friends (also in the top 1-2% of his class) are going to more prestigious schools, including the one he declined after being accepted. He is sending in his letter to this university to decline acceptance this week. I don't even want to think about it. I just hope he's not making a huge mistake that he can't take back :(</p>
<p>It’s hard when they start making their own choices. It’s even harder when their choices make so much sense. Time for letting go.</p>
<p>Last year, my son (my youngest) got into all sorts of great schools and I so wanted him to visit, one more time, one or two of the other schools that accepted him. He didn’t want to bother. He had gone to one particular top school in October and even though he didn’t apply ED, once he got in and heard of all his choices, that was it. He didn’t look back. I think he made different choices than I would have made, but he’s the one there and he’s loving it. Wouldn’t have been awful if he went to another school he got into, just because I pushed him to go there? He was certainly motivated to make it work because I let him choose.</p>
<p>congratulations to your son!!! wonderful acceptances and a good head on his shoulder…what more could a mother ask for! Sounds to me like he knows what he wants…loves the school and has a great plan…Hope all goes well for him</p>
<p>He sounds like a smart, sensible kid who’s comfortable with his decision. If he can get his undergraduate degree without incurring any debt, that’s a huge advantage, especially if he is planning grad school. There are lots and lots of good places to get a solid undergraduate education: the marketing of colleges often overemphasizes the uniqueness of each institution and exaggerates slight differences in quality, when actually a great deal of the “college experience” is up to the individual student. Very often the less prestigious schools offer opportunities very similar to the fancier ones–especially to their top tier of students–but the kids have to take more initiative to grab those opportunities. If your S is a self-starter with a clear plan, I don’t think you need to worry.</p>
<p>Your S sounds like the Val at our S’s HS class of 2006. She was bitterly disappointed that she wasn’t offered more merit aid from the prestigous schools that accepted her & opted to go to with full-ride to in-state flagship U (much less prestigous). She had her eye on med school even then. Fast forward to yesterday, when her folks said that she just finished her 1st year of med school at Mayo in Rochester where she had NO TUITION for her 1st year! She’s doing great & everyone’s happy she saved so much $$$; her folks say it’s cheaper than her private HS was! She’s getting a great education (even tho she IS freezing).</p>
<p>I think you should count your blessings and know that your S has made an excellent choice for wonderful reasons. He will do GREAT! Congrats on raising a very bright and grounded kid!</p>
<p>I thank you all for your advice and comments. Do you think this will hurt his chances of getting into a prestigious grad school in four years, by going to a lower tier public university for undergrad? I talked to admissions at Stanford and they said they look at three main things: GRE, GPA, and research involvement at the undergrad level. They didn’t give a specific answer if where you went to undergrad school mattered.</p>
<p>I can’t even believe it’s almost time for him to go. Our last summer. He’ll only be a few hours away, but, he’s never really even been to camp or away for the summer for any reason. He’s always been a home body. I’ve been setting him up to be independent for the past two years…doing his own laundry, some cooking, cleaning. He started his own business 4 years ago and it has been quite successful. He has managed his own accounts and debit card. He says I’ve been overprotective. I knew this time was coming…so why do I feel like I’ve been blind-sided :(</p>
<p>Actually, it can well BOOST his chances for research, if he hustles & finds a good mentor who is excited to work with your S. They are always happy to work with motivated, bright and competent young people. You can read EvilRobot, who was accepted by several very prestigous Us but chose the less prestigous full-ride instead & ended up doing extremely well for himself. He’s just one of many, many students.</p>
<p>Our friend’s D was accepted by many Us & chose UC Riverside or Irvine (full ride), I believe. She was the top graduate of her U & got into ALL the graduate programs she applied to (the #1, 2 & 3 in the nation). She chose & is happily working on her PhD at Cornell on growing heart valves.</p>
<p>^^ agree with himom…my S took the full ride (tier1) but less prestigous than some of the others he was accepted to…in the honors program…has already worked in 2 labs as a freshman , presented his research at an undergrad expo this week, and has 3 wonderful lab opportunities next year. now he will have to pick which one</p>
<p>PITAMom (love your user name if it means what I think!). I was in your same shoes this time last year and I can honestly say my DD made the right choice for herself. She accepted a full ride to State U over top private and has had a wonderful academic and social year. She has even been fortunate to have obtained a summer undergrad research experience and is planning on being a TA next year. I truly believe now she made the right choice and I am glad I didn’t try and sway her otherwise although I was very tempted. If your son thrives and takes full advantage of the opportunities he will have he will do fine in Grad school admissions. Trust your son as I have discovered we don’t always know what is best and our kids can sometimes see with much clearer eyes.</p>
<p>Yes, coskat…my user name DOES mean what you think! Thanks. It just sort of came to me…I AM that mother. I’m not proud of it,either. I have got to stop reading all the posts on these college boards that talk about college rankings! This college vs that college.
I act as if it’s my decision. My son made his decision at the start of his senior year. He knew he would get accepted at the university he’s attending (honors college----see, I had to just throw that in there!) He didn’t even care about hearing he was accepted into the higher ranked state university (it’s in the top 50 in the country). Some of his friends were concerned they wouldn’t get accepted and here he is…accepted there and guess what, he’s declining it and deciding to go to a lesser ranked school! They were like,…why? He had his reasons and they were pretty solid ones, at that. $$$$$</p>
<p>I know he should go to a college where he feels at home and not coaxed into going somewhere he doesn’t want to. No, I don’t want him to feel pressured into going where I want him to go, then feel miserable when he gets there and not thrive. </p>
<p>Why does this whole “ivy league” thing matter so much? I can’t even answer that for myself. To say that your child attends Princeton or MIT or Stanford… It wouldn’t be my accomplishment, it would be his. He has no interest in these ivy leagues. He says he just doesn’t buy into it…literally. It’s just not worth the money for undergrad, he says. You’re probably wondering who’s the parent here? Anonymity is a wonderful thing when you’re this shallow!! </p>
<p>You are right, coskat, our kids can sometimes see with much clearer eyes and if I could just see past the tears of missing him already and get past the whole shallow pride thing, I would see what I have right in front of me…what my friends have always told me…a well-rounded, practical young man with a vision and a no nonsense approach to his future. He is a noble and humble guy. He doesn’t place himself above any one else. He doesn’t feel comfortable accepting praise unless he has absolutely earned it and even then…he’s humbly grateful for the compliment. He has stressed to me that he has no desire to stress himself out to be #1 in his class (there was a big fight to the finish for this spot). He sat back and felt sorry for his friends who were trying to out rank the other with an extra online AP course. “That’s not for me”, he said. " I intend to enjoy my teen years and my senior year. It’s not just about grades…it’s about living and that’s what I intend to do. Now, and in college. Strive for the best grades I possibly can, but enjoy the ride as well. There’s nothing else to say…</p>
<p>“Anonymity is a wonderful thing when you’re this shallow!!”</p>
<p>Hilarious!!</p>
<p>My daughter turned down Yale for another school. My husband still has not gotten over it. All I wanted was for her to realize what she was giving up so I made her attend the admitted students overnight. She came back a bit sad to give up such a great opportunity but at 11:59:59 she made her decision and has never looked back.</p>
<p>Bite your tongue and trust your son, you’ve done a great job and now it’s his life, not yours.</p>
<p>OP, I like your honesty, anonymous though it is. And wow, how right you are about the difficulty of letting go and allowing our kids to make what we think are mistakes.</p>
<p>In your S’s case, I don’t think it is a mistake. He is clearly a kid who has done his research, who is thinking long-range, and who knows what he wants. In terms of how successful and happy he will ultimately be, I’d bet on him rather than the Ivy-crazed kids. He’s trusting himself and I think his trust is well-placed. Your job now is to learn to trust him too. </p>
<p>If you want to see just how smart your son is, read some of the threads like “Son is heartbroken that we can’t afford to send him to dream school” or “Is $100K too much debt for undergrad?” or “Sacrificing retirement for college.” He’s making the right choice, and deep down, I bet you know it. He has opted out of the silly obsession with rankings, and he is to be congratulated for that. He sounds like a terrific kid, and a wise young man.</p>
<p>Buy yourself a car sticker for whatever school YOU can’t get over he is not attending. That’s what you want – the sticker --and you can just tell anyone who asks that he got in but turned it down – isn’t that what you are looking for the chance to tell the world he got in? </p>
<p>And then leave your son alone. He’ll be fine probably get into whatever ivy for grad school.</p>
<p>Congratulations to your son. The hardest thing to remember in this whole college process is that the KID is going to college, not the parents. Your son has chosen a four year university where HE feels he will get a good education, will be comfortable…and where HE wants to be. At the end of the day, he’ll be happier than if he chose YOUR top choice just because it was a higher ranked school.</p>
<p>I say…get a car sticker for the school your son IS attending and be proud of him for making his own choice.</p>
<p>PIAMom,</p>
<p>Depending on the school he declined and the school he chose vs. his intended field of study. For example, I would not go to Harvard for Engineering. I would pick MIT, Cal Tech and CMU for computer Science. On the other hand, if I wish to land a job on the Wall Street, I would not skip Harvard, MIT, NYU. One can not talk about school in abstract terms. Every school has its strengths and weaknesses. Given that, now come back to specifics about graduate school: I went to UNC Chapel Hill for Ph.D. in Chemistry. It was among top 15 schools for Chemistry at the time. I was studying under a Prof who later became a member of Academy of Sciences. (He went to Ohio U as undergrad and went on to graduate school at Staford studying under someone who later on got his Nobel Price in Chemistry.) In that group, one would learn a lot more than in a more prestigious school under a less famous professor. Job prospect is a lot better as well. On another point, many of our classmates were graduated from “less prestigious” school as undergrad as well. Many of them had moved on to become brilliant professors and CEO’s today. On a more practical side, I like the idea of graduating college debt free.</p>
<p>By the way, following this philosophy, my son focused also on state schools and now he chose our state flagship. Since he is undecided on field of study, he will have a better chance of getting into a profession that is good or excellent in comparison to a school that is small and “more prestigious”. At the end of the day, pride in getting a “more prestigious” school may last a few days or months, while the gain from getting in a school that provides better opportunity may last for a life time.</p>
<p>I would cheer for that in any time of the day.</p>
<p>I was in your spot (in some ways) 4 years ago. D chose a LARGE OOS public university, and has never looked back. I can’t tell you the times she has said that she can’t imagine her undergrad experience being better anywhere else. LOTS of undergrad research, 4.0 GPA, outstanding programs, etc. etc. It was enough to convince her sister to join her 2 years later, and she hit the ground running 2 years ago and loves it as well. She has profs and administrators saying hi to her when she walks across campus (some who she doesn’t remember meeting!) </p>
<p>We’ll be attending D1’s Phi Betta Kappa induction the day before graduation in a couple of weeks, and I’ll probably join her a couple of times up north this summer while she gets her apartment ready before her Ph.D. program at Harvard starts in the fall. I’ll forever be the one arguing for the merits of large public universities. If a student isn’t self-driven, maybe it is harder to be connected and involved at a large university. But for a student who knows what s/he wants and has priorities in order, the opportunities are all there for the taking.</p>
<p>Astrophysicsmom…thank you for your insight. My son was accepted to our state’s flagship university, but has decided to decline admission and attend an “up and coming” state university instead where he said “it just feels right” and he has a full ride. He would lose $40,000 by going to our state flagship…any extra money he receives from scholarship he says would be better spent on his grad school.</p>
<p>I do believe if he stands out at the college he has chosen and right from the start he gets involved with research and develops solid connections with the right professors, he will succeed with his plan. </p>
<p>Let go. I know.</p>
<p>PITAMom-
Letting it go is much more easily said than done. Which is why, for some of us, being able to anonymously state our thoughts and feelings can be almost therapeutic.</p>
<p>We KNOW that the status game is unhealthy and full of false premises and promises. Yet we are surrounded by the hype and it is hard to disentangle our minds. So, while we act the way we think we should (support the sensible choices of our kids), that nagging voice is still there.</p>
<p>Your son sounds preternaturally sensible and it sounds like you know that he makes sense. </p>
<p>I’m guessing some of your angst comes from the fact that you can’t “give” your son the status school, so maybe he is settling because of your financial situation. I could well be wrong, but having been in the same shoes a few years ago, I am making this guess.</p>
<p>I will echo what others have said: moving to postgrad education debt free is HUGE.</p>
<p>Our son somehow “knew” immediately which school felt right. I was skeptical, and I know this doesn’t happen for all. But our son was right in his choice.</p>
<p>Best of luck to you all!</p>
<p>Hi, mafool…thanks for your reply. When our son was an infant, we purchased the prepaid college program for him in our state. It pays for the tuition regardless of any increases each year. He also has scholarships to pay for the rest of the expenses, in full …with about $2000-$3000 per year to spare that he plans to put in a 529k plan for grad school. </p>
<p>It’s true; my husband and I have paid what we plan to for both our kids (daughter is a freshman in high school and we have the same prepaid in state college plan for her) regardless if he chose an ivy league/OOS school that cost more. He completely understood that and agreed. </p>
<p>He IS a mature guy. He has certainly opened my eyes through the years and made me reflect on my short comings in a very noncritical way. I get choked up sometimes when I listen to his philosophies on life and I wonder how my type A personality gave birth to and nursed this carefree/nonsensical child for 17 months! He’s a Psychology major…did I mention that? :)</p>