This is a borderline situation. I understand those being cautious and protective, believing it is the best to avoid a potentially yucky situation. Especially because I am young, inexperienced and rather impressionable. For those who say bad things don’t happen publicly, they do. I’ve had a random older guy feel me up and try to kiss me, on public transport during the day time, with other people around. Nobody did anything. I did stop it and got away as fast as I could.
However I think I will go. If it is a nice gesture, then great. Gentlemen who can offer a platonic relationship and help should not be treated as letches. If he has bad intentions, I can stand up for myself and hightail out of there.
That said, if he asks to go to a secluded place, I will bail.
Disclaimer: This isn’t something I would recommend to every girl this happens to - but for me, I think I am strong enough to deal with anything untoward happening, and I am curious enough to give it a try.
OP - so what do you want to get out of it? Ask yourself what kind of potential relationship you would want out of the interaction. Even if it is platonic relationship he wants with you, do you want to be his friend? Why are you curious? Are you interested in knowing how attractive you could be to a middle aged, married man? What’s the end game?
OMG, it’s just a lunch request don’t blow it out of proportion. How do you ever plan to get ahead if you are unwilling to meet with the people who can open doors for you? Until he gets inappropriate, which may never happen, don’t let your mind jump to conclusions.
I am still slightly shocked so many are replying and that here are so many takes on this. Thank you to everyone, really.
@oldfort - You can see some answers to what I am looking to “to get out of it” in post #10. I would be looking for us to be friendly acquaintances, maybe mentor/mentee or friends. I was referring to being curious in general. Everyone has an interesting life story, and everyone is interesting. I like getting to know people, professors included. I also want to find out why he wants to see me. If he finds me intelligent or interesting, that would be a confidence boost. If he finds me attractive or unattractive, congratulations he has eyes. I don’t care about how attractive I am to a middle aged, married man.
@frugaldoctor - I’m trying not to jump to conclusions, and I am willing to meet people, even those who don’t open doors. That doesn’t mean I should throw caution to the wind though.
@doschicos - I am taking your comment into account. Kind gestures are often misconstrued and they shouldn’t be.
@bodangles - Ultimately personal safety comes first. But should we give others the benefit of the doubt?
@DrGoogle - Good to know. It is not a common practice where I am though.
@Pizzagirl@JustOneDad - you are right. It’s not such a big deal and nothing crazy like that is going to happen.
@rhandco - thanks for your detailed post. I would have no problems going out with my dad’s friend, unless my dad had a problem with it. I tend to believe this lunch thing is a bit weird, but he maybe he’s just being friendly. The academic line won’t work, I think it’s pretty clear the lunch is a personal or extra-curricular rather than strictly academic.
There’s no reason you have to bring a friend or tell people where you are. He’s not going to jump the table or kidnap you. Obviously, if you go, you’ll get the gist. He won’t do anything, just make it obvious is all. Then you’ll know. But I already know his reasoning, there’s no logic to asking a student who isn’t even in his major. But there’s no harm per se – unless he’s some kind of stalker/obsessive. Which I suppose could be.
It seems as soon as I make a decision, out come a lot of “what ifs” and doubt.
@lindyk8 You say you already know his reasoning. May I ask how you know? Is there some example, observation or experience to back this up?
There’s nothing on rate my professor, but that was a good idea to look. Thanks.
One of the primary reasons I am leaning towards going is because I think we are wrong to assume the worst. I know when I do something nice I greatly dislike it getting misconstrued as manipulative or seductive. If we go assuming all older guys helping a younger female out have bad intentions, then “good guys” will avoid helping younger females out. Like the guy who has an umbrella when it is pouring down rain and sees a girl without an umbrella. He wants to share the umbrella, but chooses not to so that she and others don’t think he is hitting on her.
Another thing. Guy students can have either male or female teachers as mentors without any problems. Shouldn’t female students get the same treatment? Especially considering the fact that the professors are predominantly male in university.
Enough. Stop overanalyzing. If he was hot for you he would have asked you to lunch already, not given you a nebulous “come find me after your exams, I’d like to take you out for lunch.”.
At this point, my suggestion is to save the man some grief and forget about it. I’m beginning to realize why your interactions were tense and awkward. Sorry to be harsh but this should be small potatoes. He’s not a professor in your major so this overanalyzing is excessive.
We’re reading a lot into “I’d like to take you out to lunch.”
I like the idea that, IF you do have something to talk to him about, you just convert it to meeting for coffee- on campus or as close as possible. That’s a reasonable compromise. There are so many reasons why he could offer lunch. It’s a common enough expression and maybe it just slipped out that way.
It’s funny, because we want a world where men and women can interact- and yet the radar goes up so easily.
DH has mentored kids who had other majors. At his college, most kids had other majors than what he taught. The fact OP doesn’t major in the same topic isn’t so concerning to me. Just keep it as neutral as possible. Or forget it.
I say he is after more than just friendship (I’m a guy). In fact, I’d almost bet it…
He might very well just want to hang out as friends, but the way you’ve described it sure sounds like he is trying to feel you out to see how far you’ll go.
Obviously we can’t make a decision for you. If you are not looking for any sort of relationship with him, I’d suggest not going any further.
Hmm, students having lunch/getting drinks/having coffee with professors is normal at my university, but usually it is a group thing or a pair of the same gender.
I think the fact that he put it on you is important. If he were really forward about it, he would have grilled you about your availability and made you agree when he saw you. Instead, he’s leaving the ball in your court because he probably doesn’t want to come across as creepy of some people here think he is.
Even though he’s not a prof in your major, I think you could still benefit from networking with him. For all you know, he and the chair of your department are BFFs and if your name ever came up, he might compliment your aptitude and encourage the chair to give you that opportunity that’s being put out. I don’t know exactly how that kind of chatter works, but you still never know.
To make you feel more comfortable, how about you suggest the place? Maybe you could email him and say “I’m free on this day. How about we go to (campus restaurant)?” That way you can make sure it’s public and “safe”
Someone can demonstrate an interest in a person of the opposite sex without it being remotely sexual. It seems like some people have been forgetting that these days.
It’s likely that he’s just showing an interest in his students. Most professors love their jobs and love to see their students succeed.
Edit -
After reading through the rest of these comments, it is absolutely insane to me that so many people are talking about how weird and creepy this is and how OP should bring a friend, make sure several people know where she is and all that. This is a professor and a former student. Professors (even the male professors) sometimes like their students and want to get to know them. Some vision of this devious predator trying to rape his student is being formed in this thread, and it’s ridiculous.
I really liked a class that I took outside of my major, and I would say yes if that professor asked me to lunch or coffee. It’s just a meal, so I don’t see why so many people are worked up over this.
You seem to think that something is hinky, and therefore you are asking us about it. Listen to your gut…or at least find out why he wants to have lunch. You should read this great book called “The Gift of Fear” by Gavin DeBecker…it is about listening to your gut instead of trying to talk yourself out of why it might not be a good idea. Your example is a classic case of you overriding your initial reaction with rational as to why it will be okay.