I ran into a lecturer from last semester. After some small talk, he prodded about my availability and finally says, “come find me after your exams, I’d like to take you out for lunch.”
Do you think this appropriate? Is this just friendly you think, or more? Should I go?
Other details, (feel free to skip)
He taught a subject unrelated to my major with 300 students and I would never have him as a teacher again. He is middle-aged and married with kids. He paid little attention to me in class. If I saw him in the hall we would nod/smile at each other. In class there was nothing, he didn’t even look at me.
We did email when I was in his class, paying each other compliments at one point about being a good teacher/student.
Also I went to his office once on an academic matter. It did become non-academic. He asked me normal stuff like info on my major, where I’m from, family background, hobbies. The personal conversation lasted about 30min. It was a pleasant conversation, but very awkward. He offered me chocolate too, which I found funny.
Unless you got the vibe that his demeanor was flirty, I don’t think there is any harm in meeting him somewhere public for lunch. Some professors are genuinely interested in the students at their school and like to be mentors. That’s why the teach , especially if its a smaller school with a tight knit community. . If he has something different in mind, a simple “no thanks” will suffice. If nothing else, it’ll make for an interesting story for the rest of your life.
Would you feel differently if a female professor suggested you grab lunch?? Wouldn’t be different if she were openly gay?? I think you shouldn’t stereotype this just because he is male. Like I said, public place, what’s the harm?
Hi Menloparkmom and Lindyk8, thanks for answering. The cautious side of me agrees with you. However, I’d like to know what exactly you think is appropriate/inappropriate and why. Is lunch on your own with a professor always inappropriate? I should have mentioned that when I went to his office, he kept it wedged open slightly. In class he talked about having good morals (no mistress/lady on the side). I would not classify him as a player who routinely preys on students. I do get a sense he really likes me though, and I’m unsure why.
Doschicos, wow thanks for your answers. Are you a professor/lecturer/tutor? I would really like and welcome a mentor/mentee relationship, but I don’t want to open the door or remotely suggest I am open to anything more. I admit that if it were a female professor, I would think it was weird but I would go without hesitation (probably not if she were openly gay and single though, then I would ask to take a friend).
I am rubbish at telling whether something is flirty. I would more classify our interactions as tense and awkward.
Right now I am leaning towards going. Any advice on behaviors to watch out for? Should I pay for myself and not let him pay?
If you think the conversation at the lunch would be awkward (and the prof doesn’t have connections that will help your career), I would just fail to follow up on this offer.
Sometimes lunch is just lunch.
I personally don’t really think anything is amiss, but I also tend to give people the benefit of the doubt, rather than jumping to conclusions. My question is why do you want to go to lunch with him? He taught a subject unrelated to your major (and presumably unrelated to your future career), and you say that your past interactions with him have been tense and awkward. What are you hoping to get out of the lunch? You don’t have to say yes just because he offered.
Lunch with a professor is not inappropriate, in and of itself. My college even had a program where students could invite professors to lunch on campus and the school would pay, as a way to give students an opportunity to get to know their professors better and vice versa. But I wonder why you want to go to lunch with him. If he works outside of your field/major, then in terms of networking it’s not an extremely valuable connection or anything. And while building up a network is always good, going to great pains to build connections with a professor who makes you feel awkward when there’s no real benefit to you seems like it’s kind of unnecessary. If you just want to be friends with him–well, there’s nothing really wrong with being friends with your professors, but it doesn’t really sound like you guys would make good friends. Do you want him as a mentor? Again, there would probably be better people to have as a mentor. I just don’t really see the reasoning behind wanting to have lunch with him.
For me, “tense and awkward” does not equal bad, unless it’s an unreciprocated “I like you” kind of nervousness. Lots of my friendships have started out “tense and awkward.” I was super awkward when I was younger, so maybe I am biased.
It’s true he doesn’t seem to be a great networking person. I’m not looking for something romantic, if any of you are suggesting that. Assuming this is completely platonic, I would be interested because:
I’m a (perhaps ridiculously) curious person.
He’s intelligent and I can learn a lot from him. I am a “foreigner” here and he’s local. The subject was something I knew nothing about, now know a bit, and should learn more.
We have some things in common (religion, both like to read, curious). Some of these qualities are very hard to find here.
It never hurts to have an extra friend.
I don’t like to leave things on a bad note/not provide closure or be a coward. Even if I were to say no, I would at least send him an email.
Usually professors/students here only go out to lunch in groups. Actually professors and students here are generally not close at all, something I think is part of the Asian culture. I don’t think that’s a good thing though, I’ve connected with some professors and it’s been great.
For clarity’s sake, are you an asian student studying in the USA? Or are you studying in Asia?
I still think it sounds fine. Especially if you are a foreigner. People often reach out to foreigners because a. they might be interested in learning more about you and your culture and b. they are trying to be hospitable knowing you are far from home without family around for support.
There is absolutely nothing inappropriate about a professor and a student having lunch - many schools have a take a professor to lunch program. For those of you in an office environment, would you feel it is inappropriate to go to lunch with a superior? What about dinner with an opposite sex colleague you run into at a conference?
IF you feel his intentions are inappropriate then you can avoid the situation if you like, but realize you are doing so because you are avoiding something that might never happen.
The relationship becomes inappropriate if he makes it clear through actions or words that he wants something more than a friendly relationship on a professional level.
I would go to lunch with my superior for a reason - 1) certain things are better discussed outside of office (projects that have not been announced), 2) the only time we have available is during lunch and we absolutely need to meet, 3) a celebratory meal, 4) to give me a pep talk after a difficult day/period.
I would go to dinner with a colleague (male or female) if I ran into them at a conference and if I am not busy. I would also have drinks with them to network. My boss may invite few of his/her staff out for drinks/dinner, but not alone unless there is a good reason.
What I don’t see here is a “good reason” for this professor to invite OP out for lunch. I have two daughters. I would tell them not to go.
Reading this: "He taught a subject unrelated to my major with 300 students and I would never have him as a teacher again. He is middle-aged and married with kids. He paid little attention to me in class. If I saw him in the hall we would nod/smile at each other. In class there was nothing, he didn’t even look at me.
We did email when I was in his class, paying each other compliments at one point about being a good teacher/student."
makes me wonder why this conversation has come up.
You’re no longer his student.
What he teaches is unrelated to your major.
In short, I see no educational reason for this lunch invitation. It’s personal. He’s a middle aged man with a wife and kids. Why on earth did he invite you for lunch?
Like Oldfort, the parent in me is strongly urging you to decline.
The OP has told me she is studying in another country. Perhaps the professor is just being hospitable/supportive of someone studying outside her home country. I think that knowledge adds another dimension to the exchange. In my opinion, it’s not uncommon to extend hospitality to a visitor to your country. I know I am more likely to do so to my kids’ friends that are non American than the kid from the area.
Dreadpirit, It’s nice to know professor/student lunches are not as uncommon as I initially thought. Maybe he’s just a curious person? I would like to believe his intentions are good and friendly.
Oldfort and Bjkmom - you have raised a good point. As parents,your points of view are particularly interesting to me. Why would he ask me? I don’t know the answer, and that does worry me a bit.
Dad does not have an opinion, he says it’s my choice.
I am confused again, but appreciate everyone’s input.
If it’s lunch in the dining hall, surrounded by other students & staff, then I see no problem w it. If he suggests a private place, then it’s inappropriate.
