One thing to think about for your brother (actually it is something that everyone needs to think about doing, whether there is mental illness involved or otherwise) is to talk to him about his execution of a durable financial and/or health care power of attorney, so that he can name an attorney in fact to handle his healthcare decisions and/or financial decisions if he is unable to do so. If things go south for him, and he finds himself in a position where decisions need to be made for him but no one has the legal authority to do so, then the courts might have to step in; and this could prove to be expensive.
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I have no advise to add… just admiration that you invited your difficult brother to dinner and tried to help.
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I have a brother who is an alcoholic- suffers from depression and other challenges. Well educated, had a great career and fortunately is well off financially and good with money. Deep down he’s a really good person and has done so many wonderful things for others but he’s got another whole side to him that is very, very difficult to deal with.
My other siblings and I spent several years getting him to rehab, medical professionals for physical and mental health problems but he refuses to do some things we and the professionals asked of him. His problems affect us all. Im at the point now I call him each week to check on him, see if he needs anything, invite him to get together, always include him holidays, etc but I no longer make suggestions . He has to want to get treatment and make changes in order to live a happy, productive life. It’s so sad and frustrating.
I mostly just want to make sure he’s safe.
I feel for you. No advice but it feels good to write this out. Best of luck.
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It didn’t need a name for the parents to have recognized that the man couldn’t hold a job, had children to support, and was very bad with money, especially since they probably were the ones supporting him for many years! They didn’t need a diagnosis to realize that he needed a trust fund, rather than an inheritance, and now look at the mess that his brother is left with, not to mention the man’s children having received no financial support from their father.
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Sometimes it’s not that simple. Until you deal with these issues personally you have no idea what it’s like on a daily basis and you don’t have all the details on this family’s situation.
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Have you gone to Alanon? That should help reduce the effects on you. In fact the princples of Alanon might help the OP.
NAMI has wonderful support information for families. Look for the chapter in your area. I think this would be a terrific help.
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You asked if anyone else had someone like that. It’s once I realized my dad and my sister have mental illnesses that I was able to accept them for who they are instead of thinking they’re not worthy of my time.
My dad has since passed away. My sister I still wish would change to become even a little bit on the normal scale - and I 100% wish I hadn’t told dad she could be the executrix for his estate as my uncle and I would help her out. She won’t accept help AND won’t/can’t do the estate (dad died in 2018). She’s on her computer or betting on sports teams/lottery - whatever. She’s on the 4th lawyer now. They’re all “great” until they are “awful” and get fired. (FWIW, the first one was awful.)
I won’t give her money except for her birthday and Christmas, but I will listen by text or phone and occasionally gently prod. Doing the latter gets me on the naughty list for a while though.
And I’m trying to support my nephew to help him get his inheritance from my dad that he can’t get because sis won’t/can’t do the estate. Fortunately my nephew appears to have a good job he likes driving truck.
You’re not alone and I agree with the others that it helps tremendously to realize it’s a mental illness, not really a lifestyle choice. Kudos to you for caring and being a listening ear.
Sis is among the 50% mentioned upthread who is sure it’s the world who is wrong, not her.
My son is an adult with ADHD. It really is frustrating to see people unable to do the little things that neurotypical people take for granted, but you need to reframe this whole relationship if you want to retain some peace of mind, and your end of the relationship (because he will always have a choice about the connection, too). You can set boundaries for yourself, but insisting on X Y or Z with people with these issues just drives them away, deeper into failing, further from health.
You can’t fix what’s wrong here, not by coercion, words, financial pressure, hindsight, Ritalin, etc… I know, it’s heartbreaking. What you can do is decide what you want more : (for example) You want him to have a car, give him the car. You want him to be uncomfortable enough to get a car? Sure, withhold your car then, but know he isn’t capable of doing that. You want him to be capable? Well, that’s really understandable, of course. And yet, not your control, and not even his. Be honest with yourself about what you really want, it helps.
A good coach motivates with success, not failure. A good coach sees beyond today’s obstacle and helps make a plan, but they can’t be the one to carry it out. You are the lighthouse, not the boat.
I highly recommend following any number of ADHD groups, because you will feel a bit less exasperated (and again, totally normal) and it made all the difference for me and mine. You can do this, hang in there.
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I am sympathetic to any physical or mental challenges he is facing but don’t view them as mutually exclusive relative to him being a flawed or bad person beyond his illness.
I don’t think being an abusive parent is excusable based upon a mental illness diagnosis. To do so would stigmatize all of those who face similar challenges and likely create reluctance to be properly diagnosed. This person sounds like a bad person who also happens to be an ill person.
If his behavior is as abhorrent as you describe perhaps some distance is in you and your family’s best interest.
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Wow, what an awesome post. Spot on. I love your analogy with the lighthouse and boat.
I should have mentioned setting boundaries. We need to do that with our son. His housing staff is willing to help him with cleaning and self-care, but he has declined their offer. My husband just this morning was saying we need to sit down with him and explain Mom can’t do it all - the staff is there to help him and he needs to accept it. I actually COULD do quite a bit, but we think it’s important for his independence that I not be involved much.
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I have found boundaries for myself to be really helpful, and sometimes that requires reframing and brutal honesty. It took me a long time to get here.
Boundary for him: “You clean up your room three times a week because I won’t” This , imho, is an inappropriate boundary because I am setting it for him.
Boundary for ME is “I am only going to tidy this up once a week and I am doing it for me, not for you, with no hidden expectation that you will learn from my highfalutin example”
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I can’t speak to all of the issues raised, but can only offer my perspective raising my 20 year old with HF Autism. He is a college sophomore now and there are some things we just can’t ever “make” him understand, reason with, etc. His strong suits are amazing but his areas of deficiency are challenging.
One thing I know is how much he wishes things were easier for him. How hard it is on him to not understand all the world around him, social subtleties, friends, employers, and life in general. I have found that really meeting him where he is, lots of open dialogue and not pushing too hard are helpful. Lots of what can I do to help? Validation-it seems like you are having a rough time, do you want to talk about it or spend some quiet time alone? Choices to empower what he can control, because I know he feels so out of control a lot. It’s easy for us without mental health issues or diagnoses to think the answers are simple, or that change and working harder makes it better. They just aren’t.
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I’m going off on a slight tangent here for those reading the thread who may be facing a similar issue with a child due to mental illness, drug abuse, and so on. In the book “The Living Trust Advisor” by attorney Jeffrey Condon the author recommends against having a sibling made trustee in these situations (chapter 20). He suggests hiring a professional
After having seen what happens when one child holds and manages money for a sibling, I must advise you not to make that choice. Why? Because you will make the life of your normal child a miserable one, with his daily life subject to the following 4 prospects.
(one of which excerpt) Your normal child also has to deal with your problem child who can potentially make his life miserable. Incessant daily phone calls. Dozens of daily email messages. Unannounced daily visits. Creating a scene in public.The professional manager can withstand being hounded and pressured by a child intent on getting more control. Of course the professional will charge a fee but you get far more for the dollar than the nonprofessional individual
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If a person is disabled before the age of 26, he or she can sign up for an ABLE account. The funds will not count as assets for qualifying to receive Social Security benefits. You can have up to $100,000 in the account. My son said it’s comforting to know he has almost $20,000 available for living expenses. It’s a relief to me, too, in case he ever loses his supported housing.
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These family issues are so difficult. My sister and BIL are in total denial about their second child who emotionally and verbally lags his physical age. ADHD or HFA maybe. She refuses to get a diagnosis. My older son was diagnosed with ADHD in high school. It was a long journey for us that she is well aware of.
She thinks I am just projecting. As if I would actually wish this on someone. I dont say anything any more. Hugs to the OP and to all who experience this sort of thing.
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That’s a tricky thing picking trustee. I certainly see the advantage of using a professional/non-sibling. But… there would need to be careful setup of alternates once the professional (who may very well be much older) retires. At least with sibling setup, there could be other family members as backup.
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Maybe the part time job is the best he can manage. At least he is working!! Many, if not most on the spectrum are under-employed, if they are employed at all. And its not surprising that many on the spectrum found their way into academics, where being quirky was ok. Maybe looking at what he is doing rather than what he isn’t doing will help you. Its how I have to reframe my BIL, who has more than his share of issues, has lost several jobs, has blown through his inheritance, and who fabricates and then embellishes stuff and lives off of others. He set up a non profit (thinly veiled way of paying for his previous travels) and for his birthday and for yesterday’s “giving Tuesday”, he put up requests for donations on facebook. More power to him if others give him $. Less for him to try to mooch off of us. He hasn’t worked in probably almost 10 years, and his wife claims every medical malady known to man, and hasn’t worked in probably 25 years. With the help of my DH and some friends, he got a very small grant to help disabled veterans. If he can manage to finish the paperwork to process it, he’ll use the funds to pay himself.
Its really hard to let some of it go when we watch our immediate families work so hard, and then one person in the extended family causes a maelstrom for the rest. One of his son’s is on the spectrum, but rather than help him with access to services and such, and despite all the help many of us in the family have tried to offer, he has never allowed his son to even so much as shovel snow, and at 36 his son sits in his room doing animation on the computer. This son did get a college degree and did get a drivers license, but has been essentially cloistered in the house. Its part of BIL’s own disorder that his son has been essentially imprisoned. Its very sad all the way around, but we as extended family have to decide what is and is not our place to do or say. When I watch the garbage my BIL pulls, it just makes me angry. so for my own peace of mind I have to step back. DH and I have agreed on how much he will give his bro annually, and I have to let it go. I would encourage you to do the same. You will feel much better. Good luck!
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What about skipping the brother and instead focusing on helping his kids?
Seems like the benefit of helping the brother would be to ease his old-age years. The benefit of helping his children would be to move them toward the life that is still possible for them to achieve. Helping his children would also change the cycle for his (future) grandchildren.
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I feel for everyone here going thru this with family members. I’ve seen so many solutions
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HS friend admitted to McLeans Hospital when I was working there. Her parents helped her get on SSI (which could be done 40 years ago). They pay her rent and electricity, and work with the landlord if there are issues. She “worked” at McLeans in the flower shop. She is fortunate that her parents can assist her with $.
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Others, from 20’s to 50 live with parents and have NO respect for boundaries. Eating all the food and leaving a mess is common. One man won’t leave the house and drives his MO to severe depression. He acts like a 6 year old. He refuses to let a repair man into the house. She hasn’t been able to leave him for a few days to visit family. NAMI cannot offer any group homes in our area, and we’ve been trying to find an ALF to admit him.
Another would like to work, but has held 12 jobs in 2 years. He can barely last 2 weeks, as he can’t relate to do-workers.
We only have one residential building in the area. Small apartments, rent based on income. Right next to a mental health center. Ten years ago, when I helped a patient fill out the forms, she didn’t turn it in. By the following year, they no longer had a waiting list.
It is almost impossible to find an ALF that will accept someone younger than 60, who has mental health problems.
Another man, 400#, was kicked out of a group home for stealing. Only because of his mental health issue, he is in a psychiatric hospital. His MO refuses to let him back home. He steals from her, gambles, acts aggressively.
Even as I write this, I just got a text to call a patient. She has been disowned by her family and has no one.
Point is, I’m impressed that the OP’s relative can work 20 hours from home. Also, that he can even live alone.
Several people mentioned boundaries and support groups. I am fully in agreement with these options.
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