We have two kids in the class of 2025. Both are doing well from an on-paper standpoint … they attend a well-regarded private high school, are taking the most advanced classes available (honors precalc in 10th grade; honors Spanish; queued up for as many honors as they can for 11th), and both earned a 4.0 this past year. They are bright, fun, interesting people.
But they ended this school year (and spent much of the preceding year) in a state of extreme stress. We worry that they are setting behavioral patterns in place that are unhealthy and are ultimately on a trajectory that won’t help them thrive in the long term. We don’t want to keep sending them the message that “it’s okay and even expected to live like this because this is what everyone does, and achieving the GPA is the most important thing.” (We tried therapy explicitly addressing ADHD (procrastination) + OCD (perfectionism) for one of our two; we still found ourselves trying to get them to go to bed at a reasonable hour, only to then find that they remembered another assignment that was due the next day.) We also suspect that some of the anxiety they’re feeling is an effect of an interrupted adolescence from COVID / zoom school.
We’re interested in really shaking things up, helping them re-set, and showing them the wider world. Do high schoolers ever take a gap year in the middle of high school that ISN’T an international academic program? Could we do an international move with them, and then have them do the bare minimum of academic work while experiencing life in a totally new place — then return to the US a year later to pick up again in 11th grade (effectively taking 5 years for high school)? And not that this is our primary worry, but are there ramifications to something like that that would look like a red flag to admissions committees down the road?
A few logistics to mention … Obviously, whether their school would allow them to take a year of leave and then rejoin a year later is a separate question that we’d need to work out with them, but we’re trying to determine if it’s even worth pursuing this line of thinking. We moved to our neighborhood recently and don’t have strong ties to the immediate community. We have a few friends nearby that we’d miss seeing, but our friendship would survive a gap year. Our work is remote-friendly.
Is a mid-HS gap year A Thing that people ever do, and if not, what ideas might you suggest for how we could help them recalibrate and have a healthier relationship with their work?
What are the requirements for homeschooling in your state? I’d start there.
The simplest solution is to homeschool your kids for a year; then reassess and decide to re-enroll them in HS or to continue with homeschooling. But you’d need to check out what you’d need to provide in the way of structure, meeting your state’s requirements for graduation, etc.
There’s nothing to prevent you from homeschooling your kids from a Kibbutz in Israel (while they work in the kitchen or daycare or whatever their assignment is) or from an apartment in Panama while they do an independent study on marine and aquatic life, right?
And another quick thought- I’m sure you had solid reasons for choosing the school that you did. But as many of us have observed with our now adult children- the law of unintended consequences- Ugh. It’s like the laws of gravity- ignore at your peril. If your kids are in an intensely competitive environment, it is VERY hard for them to let go what might be their inner wiring which is telling them “do more, do your best, you need to excel”.
There are likely closer to home options if you decide a gap year/homeschool experience won’t work, that will provide them with a solid foundation without heightening their perfectionism/OCD. And sending them the message that you take their mental health very seriously could be a lifelong gift…
We had friends who pulled their children out of school (middle school and high school age) and did a sailing trip around the world for over a year. They re-enrolled their children back into school when they returned.
With high school classes, I would think your children would be placed into appropriate classes upon re-enrollment and would continue in high school until they had enough credit to graduate (so if they still had two years of credits necessary, they would spend two more years after re-enrollment).
Thinking outside the box a bit is usually less complicated in these situations than we think it might be.
I will say that my daughter’s friend’s family did this: they took a year off as a family and traveled around the world. Sounds very fun and apparently it was - for maybe a month. After that, the friend was tired from all the travel and constant instability - she just wanted to be back in school with her friends and on a normal, predictable schedule. I’m sure she did gain a lot through the experience, but I also know that she didn’t really enjoy it and after about month really just wanted to go back to normal.
So that’s also something to consider. What sounds great as a fantasy isn’t always so desirable as a reality.
A very similar thing can happen at university. As an example, I saw multiple students (including me) at some point get stressed out as undergraduate students at MIT. Most (including me) managed to get through it. I did however see a few students drop out. One would have dropped out anywhere (his problem was showing up to class at all – he was brilliant and did well on those rare occasions that he bothered to show up). A few others might have been happier somewhere less stressful.
For academically stressful schools I have said “you have to want to do it”.
But then I took the equivalent of a gap (and had a job) between undergrad and graduate school, and this worked out very well. When I went back to get my master’s I did want to do it, and did very well while not noticing much stress at all.
And I have seen a few cases of students transferring to a less stressful high school and doing well.
I think that this is a difficult thing to figure out. We each do the best that we can and hope that it works out okay.
The “sailing around the world” experience was what immediately came to mind for me too. But it seems the families that do this type of thing are super-close and the parents are much more important to the kids than any other friends. Not always the most healthy situations for their later college experiences.
I would also think about planning a family gap year after high school graduation and doing that well in advance. That would give the kids something to look forward to instead of four more stressful years in college. I worked for a year before college and it was really helpful as a way to grow up and meet a very different set of people.
I have a couple of perfectionists, very type A, but it doesn’t seem to affect them negatively. I also have one with executive functioning issue/adhd and fortunately with the help of his guidance counselor he learned how to deal with it before college. My dd21’s twin is neither, but having half of his junior year and all of his senior year online, and not at all challenging, did a number on him. He struggled big time freshman year of college. My kids are all extremely social (with FOMO) so there is no way they’d agree to miss out on everything to travel with us for more than a week or so. What do they think?
This was my first thought - taking a year off and then returning the the same environment might not be the fix. I don’t know that it is the school or the students in the grade or your kids wiring or some combination. The private school environment (or any school) where the teachers, parents, and students all have high expectations for academics and activities can be stressful. Hope you can find a solution that works!
I don’t think it’s necessarily private schools. I think it’s that particular school’s environment. I was actually with you on the first part and going to suggest a school with a different philosophy. DS school had no APs, worked on the mod system so kids took fewer classes at one time, but were able to go deeper into them, had many options within each discipline and lots of hands-on experiential learning. He got through high school with his love of learning intact and, while challenged and he had to work very hard at times, he was never overly stressed. These types of schools tend to attract like-minded families, so there is also less parental pressure on the kids and administration.
Some schools offer independent study for extended absences; some states are very flexible about homeschooling arrangements. So, no, kids don’t necessarily have to attend school in person - but yes some arrangement must be made for them to do online school or independent study or something else.
Absolute agree that arrangements other than attending a traditional school can be made. I just wanted to mention that taking a year totally off education-wise is probably not an option.
If someone moves out of a district, there isn’t any responsibility to ‘notify’ the school (unless the move is during the school year).
Again, these types of choices are a lot less complicated than many people think. Choosing to live abroad and not having educational credits upon return just means the students need to complete the remaining credits necessary to graduate.
Whether this is a good idea for these two students isn’t something that I think any of us can opine about knowledgeably. Their parent(s) will have a much better idea of the situation, the possible solutions and the two children involved than any of us.
I don’t necessarily think taking a year off and returning to the same environment is a smart choice. For one, I can imagine one of your students still being worried about being behind or dreading the return to the environment. Changing the situation for a year doesn’t really address the root cause.
We chose to keep our one child in the local public school (rather than move to a more affluent/higher rated district) and pull the other out of a ‘prestigious’ private school. They both were able to be more well rounded and in an atmosphere more like the real world.
By being in classes with children whose first language was not English, or students who could not afford to be in ECs because they had to work, my kids saw the whole spectrum of education and achievement, rather than just fighting for a spot in an unrealistically thin slice of high school students.
Both went to well -regarded private colleges and graduated with honors and had great experiences there.
High school should be high school - not a zero sum competition.
Yes, I really meant any school could have that environment and that it could come from various factions. Changing schools doesn’t mean giving up a challenging or quality education, maybe there is a better fit.
My own kids thrived when the culture supported strong academics but also emphasized community service, social justice involvement, etc. And to my surprise- athletics. We are not a sporty family, and I HATED gym in HS. But a HS which emphasizes fitness, getting outside and running, vs. competition-- my kids had that and I wish I had…
HS’s have all sorts of cultures and finding one which has strong instruction and great teachers but doesn’t shred a kid’s self-confidence is the golden ticket.
